Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Calling All Ant Bears!

Yesterday, my daughter Krista said, “Mom, I just saw an ant on the floor.” My husband and I were sitting at the table and my husband Rick froze. “Was it just ONE ant, honey, or more than one?” I asked, very slowly. “There might have been two, ”she said. In my experience, two ants is a plague.

The reason my husband froze is that every year we have ants and every year, they come out some wall in the house…frenzied!! Frenzied-- like the queen ant said, “Run like crazy, serpentine, go in circles! I command you--Freak out the humanoid!” And when this happens, I have a total MELT down.”

My husband is not bothered by the ants. He does not leap to my defense, nor does he put out traps, etc. For this I call my hero, the exterminator, to spray the interior and exterior of the house. I feel fairly safe when my perimeters are soaked with ant chemical. Inevitably, though, there are ants that are sacrificed and break through the “force field” and show up on the inside.

I’ve tried all methods of ant termination. It’s useless really, since our entire neighborhood is one giant ant hill. I’ve tried ant goo, which you squeeze on a tiny piece of cardboard. The idea is you wait, let a hundred-quadrillion ants crawl out from every corner and form a single-file line to the goo, eat it and report back to the nest and share it. This is too disgusting for me. When I see them coming out and lining up, I get so creeped out, I take out the ant spray and kill them all (rendering the “goo method” useless).

In my house ant spray is “husband repellant.” Rick can’t stand the smell of it (even the flowery purple can variety). If I spray even a tiny squirt, his ears prick first, then his face scrunches up, and he lies on his back and wiggles his feet in the air (ok, I’m making that part up).

I’ve been thinking lately about bringing in a predator. Anteaters, are also known as Ant Bears (I’ve actually researched this). From the sound of it, they’re solitary animals, eat up to 30,000 ants a day and …did I mention they eat 30,000 ants a day!! Ant bears don’t have a history of attacking people—they have sharp claws but no teeth. I could raise them and rent them out. I think I’ve been sniffing too much ant spray.


Nicci said...

Ok, I read your blog yesterday and today I find TWO, not one but TWO ants in my house. Are you renting out the ant bears yet??

Jeanne said...

one of the cities i lived in was on an anthill too..."grant's ant stakes" are the thing...also, did you know that fantastic will dissolve those babies on contact?!