Friday, March 4, 2011

Please Don’t Let Me Sound like Charlie Sheen (repeat)

I had a job interview yesterday.  It was mental and physical Get-A-Job Olympics.  We began with the:

Job Applicant Triathlon  
In retrospect, it seemed a WHOLE lot like they were administering a psychological test, from behind a one-way glass, designed to weed out any of us job candidates (nay Olympians) from undesirable  “Charlie” personalities—those being:  Charlie Brown, Charles Manson, Chuckie and Charlie Sheen.

Event 1:  12-page Application Completion- Those fun-loving employers set us up with a clipboard and pencil on a rickety, wheeled office chair and no table. I managed to recant my life with only one episode of writer’s cramp and one small “Hoo-Hoo-Hoo-Hoo” Tigger from the 100-acre wood sound-effect when the chair moved backwards unexpectedly.
 
·         Charlie Brown would have talked himself out of trying.
·         Charles Manson would have tapped on the one-way glass like a bad boy does in an aquarium to make fish move.
·         Charlie Sheen would have put is feet under the chair and done 1,000 sit-ups
·         Chuckie would have scared the dickens out of the receptionist.
 

Event 2:   Math Test in an 80-degree Room- I haven’t had a math test since I was 16.  That fact alone made me sweat, not to mention the high room temperature.  Deductions for water requests (which I made).
 
·         Charlie Brown would have screamed “AAUGH!” and all you’d have seen was his mouth and the top of his nose. 
·         Charlie Sheen would have rolled it up and smoked it. 
·         Charles Manson would have scribbled swastikas on it.
·         Chuckie would have melted

 
Event 3:  Viewing of the Corporate Video- This doesn’t sound much like an event, but the office manager put the video on, left the room, but neglected to hit ‘play.’  The same video scene ran for 2 LONG minutes before I got up and pushed ‘play’ myself (full marks for bold movement).  They tried to increase the difficulty by seating me in the middle of the busy, distracting office environment.

·         Charlie Brown would never have pushed ‘play’.
·         Chuckie would have torched the place. 
·         Charles Manson would have interacted with the people in the TV.
·         Charlie Sheen would have found the remote and flipped around for the Porn Network.

Next was the:

Interview Hurdles
To my great relief, this morning’s interview was one-on-one.  Questions asked included the dreaded, “What is something you’d like to improve about yourself.”  I managed NOT to say, “How long do you have?” 

And finally the:

Endurance Run/Wait for the Phone Call

I’m passing the time waiting for my results by practicing sitting on an unpredictable chair and not making cartoon tiger noises.

Unless that will get me the job, in which case, “Hoo, Hoo, Hoo, Hoo!”

28 comments:

Mike said...

"I got up and pushed ‘play’"

This was a test. Depending on the hiring manager you are either motivated or controlling.

Nurse Mommy said...

I would have pushed the dang button too. Get her done, I say! Great post, Heidi?!

Von said...

Well done for pushing the play button!!I'd give you the job.

Raining Acorns said...

Ah, yes, nothing like fun-loving employers, now, is there?

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

Fantastic! Along with your usual hilarity,was so creative! Love the four Charlies!

Heidi-"Heidi in Real Life" said...

Mike- I'm sure you're right (I am both motivated and controlling. ;-)
Nurse Mommy- Someone had to.
Von-I wish you were the hiring manager--I have a feeling we'd get along great.
Raining Acorns-They have us right where they want us, those fun-loving employers.
Dawn- Thanks, girlfriend--there's a lot of Charlies I could have added too. ;-)

Jen Has A Pen said...

You worked your butt off in this post, keeping me totally amused the entire time! :-) When do you know if you get this CIA job???

tattytiara said...

Haha, I think my Charlie would have bit their fingers! Unfortunately that probably would have ended up an embarrassing security video instead of a charmingly cute viral video.

Candice said...

Good luck with the job!

“What is something you’d like to improve about yourself.”

The correct answer.

"I'd like to improve my ability to effectively deal with complete fucking morons on a daily basis without wanting to rip my eyeballs from my head at the end of the day."

Then again, maybe not the answer you're looking for. ;)

Heidi-"Heidi in Real Life" said...

Jen-If I told you the job I was applying for--you would not believe it.
tatty-Does Charlie bite fingers--I never knew!
Candice-I would LOVE to say that!!I'll keep it in mind for an exit interview.

Joanne said...

Loved it! How about Choo Choo Charlie!

Heidi-"Heidi in Real Life" said...

Joanne- Thanks--I'm going to google "choo-choo" charlie! ;-)

The Offended Blogger said...

Too bad you can't put your potential employers through a battery of psychological tests! I could think of a myriad of them that would keep me entertained for days... :)

Heidi-"Heidi in Real Life" said...

Offended Blogger- Ooo-you've got me thinking now!

Janet Johnson said...

You are jumping through hoops left and right! And I loved the four Charlies. :D Hilarious!

Best of luck on getting the job.

Heidi-"Heidi in Real Life" said...

Thanks Janet! I'll have to make a vanity license plate--OMGAJB

Lydia K said...

OMG, that was too funny. You took making fun of Charlie Sheen to a whole new level, ha ha!

Mo said...

Ha ha brilliant

Katie Gates said...

I love this piece. What a great idea, putting four Charlies in a scene. And those 4? Clever!

Heidi-"Heidi in Real Life" said...

Mo- You can call me brilliant any day--thanks!
Katie- I must thank Charlie Sheen for the inspiration.

Jenny said...

You made this flow effortlessly and seem easy which must mean either you are a genius writer or...oh...ummm... I guess it's not an either/or thing. Obviously you are a genius writer. This was clever.

Heidi-"Heidi in Real Life" said...

Jenny- Thank you SOoomuch! Sometimes these things just write themselves! ;-)

Jinksy said...

The Tigger noise would have got you the job if I were in charge, let alone the push/play common sense! LOL

Bagman and Butler said...

Being a fan of your blog, I would have hired you instantly. Also, I am a fairly astute manager -- at least for 13 more days -- and can usually tell the difference between the Heidi-types and the Charlie-types without a batter of tests. Hope you get the job. Looking forward to sequel. And I don't usually go back and look at old comments but...albino rhinocerous? You are way too kind.

Heidi-"Heidi in Real Life" said...

Jinksy- in that case, HOOHOHOHOHOH.
BB- See- this is why I'm a misfit--I was referring to ME being the albino rhinoceros--which is why if you were in the store when my pants fell down, you wouldn't recognize my rear end as being human.

Will Burke said...

Job hunting is the WORST! I kinda understand thw wringer hey put you through, since I work with some twits who should have been weeded out early, but at least you got a great post out of it! Your "Four Charlies" could serve in a lot of situations!

Suze said...

I don't know if I'd harsh on ol' Charlie Brown like that. Maybe by now he's acquired a touch of Linus' philosophical sensibilities.

Sandra said...

Ok, I got a little scared when you mentioned the math test 'cause I break out in a sweat just reading the word.
But this post was awesome, I love it! I especially love how you got up and pressed 'play'! You should totally get that job, even if the hiring staff seems a little slow. I'm sure you can work around that.