Saturday, May 24, 2008

Sensible Panties Sisterhood (SPS)

When you decide that bikini underwear really isn’t all that comfortable, you know you’ve crossed over. I made that discovery years ago, when I couldn’t find maternity bikini panties in my size. Once I chose briefs, I felt the arms of women all over the world embracing me as I grew into a new level of maturity—another consciousness. I am in a new group—the Sensible Panties Sisterhood--“High-Cut Briefer” brigade.

I am reminded of the sisterhood this past week when I was doing a mountain of greasy, nasty, college male laundry. My washer and dryer were monopolized for several days and I was seeing the barren bottom of my underwear drawer while waiting to do my laundry. WAY in the back, where I haven’t been in YEARS was the LAST pair of clean underwear. It was the jade-green pair. The pair that is WAY too tight.

I am embarrassed to think how old they must be. I think the reason I keep them is that they remind me of a thinner, younger me. I keep them to test how close I am to my goal weight. They are Cinderella’s glass slipper. If they fit, I will be transformed once again into my 20-something self. However, I remain, ever-after, the plus-sized step-sister.

I pulled the jade-green pair of bikini underwear out and looked at them. They chuckled at me. If I had seriously tried to step into them, they would have broken out into spasms of hilarity and said, “Come on Fatty, wouldn’t you rather have a cookie?” The underwear has a one inch Playboy bunny black silhouette floppy-ear rabbit head on the backside. Just then, I remembered these particular panties had a story:

I was wearing them 17 years ago when I was getting my boys cleaned up after a long camping weekend. I was changing with my door open, while David and Jon (then 4 and 2) were both in the bath tub nearby.

Jon looked at me and yells, “MOM!! CRICKET!”


“It’s …ON YOU!” David screams.

“WHAT??” I scream, “WHERE?”
”RIGHT THERE!!” they both say, panicking, pointing at me.

At this point I’m brushing myself off wildly, freaking out.



I took off running into the living room. I got brave enough to finally look behind me. It was the Playboy Bunny black silhouette floppy-ear rabbit head.

Since I am part of the Sensible Panties Sisterhood, I gave myself permission to finally get rid of them today. When they hit the waste basket, I heard a sigh. They are at peace. They were never all that comfortable anyway.

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