I had a job interview yesterday. It was mental and physical Get-A-Job Olympics. We began with the:
Job Applicant Triathlon
In retrospect, it seemed a WHOLE lot like they were administering a psychological test, from behind a one-way glass, designed to weed out any of us job candidates (nay Olympians) from undesirable “Charlie” personalities—those being: Charlie Brown, Charles Manson, Chuckie and Charlie Sheen.
Event 1: 12-page Application Completion- Those fun-loving employers set us up with a clipboard and pencil on a rickety, wheeled office chair and no table. I managed to recant my life with only one episode of writer’s cramp and one small “Hoo-Hoo-Hoo-Hoo” Tigger from the 100-acre wood sound-effect when the chair moved backwards unexpectedly.
· Charlie Brown would have talked himself out of trying.
· Charles Manson would have tapped on the one-way glass like a bad boy does in an aquarium to make fish move.
· Charlie Sheen would have put is feet under the chair and done 1,000 sit-ups
· Chuckie would have scared the dickens out of the receptionist.
Event 2: Math Test in an 80-degree Room- I haven’t had a math test since I was 16. That fact alone made me sweat, not to mention the high room temperature. Deductions for water requests (which I made).
· Charlie Brown would have screamed “AAUGH!” and all you’d have seen was his mouth and the top of his nose.
· Charlie Sheen would have rolled it up and smoked it.
· Charles Manson would have scribbled swastikas on it.
· Chuckie would have melted
Event 3: Viewing of the Corporate Video- This doesn’t sound much like an event, but the office manager put the video on, left the room, but neglected to hit ‘play.’ The same video scene ran for 2 LONG minutes before I got up and pushed ‘play’ myself (full marks for bold movement). They tried to increase the difficulty by seating me in the middle of the busy, distracting office environment.
· Charlie Brown would never have pushed ‘play’.
· Chuckie would have torched the place.
· Charles Manson would have interacted with the people in the TV.
· Charlie Sheen would have found the remote and flipped around for the Porn Network.
Next was the:
To my great relief, this morning’s interview was one-on-one. Questions asked included the dreaded, “What is something you’d like to improve about yourself.” I managed NOT to say, “How long do you have?”
And finally the:
Endurance Run/Wait for the Phone Call
I’m passing the time waiting for my results by practicing sitting on an unpredictable chair and not making cartoon tiger noises.
Unless that will get me the job, in which case, “Hoo, Hoo, Hoo, Hoo!”