Friday, January 28, 2011

Ooo Eee Ooo Ah Ah…CHOO!

I have had a terrible cold for a month.  I have “Seven Dwarf” symptoms too-- Dopey, Sleepy, Sneezy and Grouchy.   I’m thinking I need Doc, but I know what she’ll say:  “It’s a Virus.”  But I’m miserable enough to risk getting the "V" word. 
Nice Lady at Doctor’s Office (NLDO):  “What are your symptoms?

Me:  “Green *goo* pouring out many of my orifices and the total loss of 4 of the 5 senses.”

NLDO:  “Do you have a fever?”

Dishonest Wench (still me):“Yes, 101 (always a good number to say when you’re fibbing about your temperature) but I took Ibuprofen so now it’s normal.”

NLDO :  “When can you come in?”

I’m on the schedule, but not home-free.  In years past, green *goo* (which wasn’t a lie) was the ticket to getting a prescription.  Now?  Not so easy.   Mentioning a fever, may make a bigger impression.   I’m hoping I can manage something like a friend of mine, who was bequeathed with a prescription when he “saved” what was sure to be a sensational, slimy “loogie” for an hour until the doctor came in.  He hawked it up right then and there, in its brownish-green glory.    I only hope I’m that lucky.

In the doctor’s office, I’m sweaty, which can only work to my benefit, and coughing. 
“You’ll need to wear this mask.” 

Now I REALLY can’t breathe.  My one good nostril is over-extending itself even farther over to the other side of my nose, seriously blocking my already bad nostril.  Struggling to inhale?  This can only be a good thing when it comes to looking pitiful.  30 minutes of re-inhaling my hot, germy exhale later, my name is called.
Sadistic Person: “Can you step on the scale?”

Me: “Yes.”

Sadistic Persistent Person: “Will you step on the scale?”

Stubborn Fat- Yet- Sick Person (me): “Do I have to?”  Childishness is definitely a symptom of some kind.  My mental faculties are diminishing.  Doctor—HELP me!!

After only two minutes with the doctor:

Vicious Drug-Withholding Monster (VDWM):  “It’s a virus.”

Honestly Sick Person wishing she had a loogie of any size available (me): “Did I mention I’ve been sick for a month?  Don’t you want to prick my finger or something?”

VDM:  “Why?”

Old Person-because only old people say “When I was a kid” (still me):  When I was a kid… they pricked your finger with a nasty pointy silver stick, and a nurse dressed all in white would suck my pooling blood up into a straw, and, while I was still holding a cotton ball on my throbbing digit, I got some dad-blame penicillin and I felt BETTER!!”

VDM (unaffected by my ramblings): “Doctors have been over-prescribing...”  Followed by mumbo-jumbo, doctor speak that my ears interpret as “I want to take your money and do absolutely nothing for you”.  

Old and Defeated (you know who):  “What should I do about this *virus*?”

Rather than hitting the pharmaceutical lottery and leaving with a piece of paper for my druggist, I took down the formula for concocting my OWN home chemistry-spun “Mucus-cide” (or sorts), instructed on how to use the nasal power-washer and told about the benefits of chicken soup.  None of which worked, I may add. 


Next time I’m skipping the MD and hunting for a WD (witch doctor).  Hit me with a voodoo stick, blow white powder in my face and tattoo my forehead, I don’t care--only fix this snotty nose! 

Ting Tang Walla Walla Bing Bang


English Rider said...

Your head is not too woolly to write an amusing post, at least. I prescribe rum/cognac or whisky with lemon juice, honey and brown sugar, all warmed up and sipped, as well as inhaling the vapors. Even if it doesn't cure you, you will forget your symptoms for a while and "it's all natural" so it must be good for you, right?

Joanne said...

Heidi, Sorry to laugh at your expense but that was hilarious! My suggestion is fill up a netty pot with warm salt water, pour in your nose, when done give it a good blow and then go make yourself a strong hot toddy! Either the one described by english rider or one of my favorites.....Captain Morgan and lime juice with a cinnamon stick! And yes, definitely sniff the vapors.
Feel better soon!

Candice said...

I love making your suckers step on the scale right off the bat. Men seem to take it the worst, oddly enough.

Have you tried Mucinex?

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

Candice is right about the Mucinex. HATE the scales - always forgo water and food before getting on - then I eat and drink like a mofo as soon as I leave the office. Hilarious post. You're such a good writer!!

Heidi-"Heidi in Real Life" said...

English Rider & JOanne- Can't wait to try your remedies. Sounds like a party!
Candice- That's just as I suspected--nurse's and their sadistic ways! Mucinex eh? Can I mix with alcohol as previously prescribed?
Dawn- This time I just said "F--K it!" and left my boots and coat on and held my heavy purse. All those things weigh 50 lbs. right? Mucinex it is!

Raining Acorns said...

Hey, sorry to be so late in replying. I, for one, will be sending all good thoughts that you get rid of this thing. What a drag!

Heidi-"Heidi in Real Life" said...

Raining Acorns--it's never too late! Thanks for the well wishes. I think I've coughed up my last phlegm dumpling. ;-)

Sydney said...

Hope you get better very soon... Have to say I love your picture! And thank you for stopping by my blog. I have not been writing enough lately, as I got a job where I'm in charge of 4 blogs in addition to everything else. :-)

Heidi-"Heidi in Real Life" said...

Sydney--Thanks! I earned a prescription this morning. Cost me another doctor visit and my name registered as a potential meth. maker, but I'm on my way!

Bagman and Butler said...

I'm so glad you don't blog every day because I couldn't keep up and I am determined not to miss any of your humor writing. This one is great. I think you should publish a book of humourous essays!

Katie Gates said...

Hello Heidi, I linked over from Lydia Kang's blog and I'm so glad I did. Despite your ailments, you are funny as hell. I look forward to reading more (and I hope you get better soon). Will it help at all if I verify the "word" commo? Anyway, I'm about to do that...
Please stop by my little place in the blogosphere. I can't guarantee it'll cure you, but...

Heidi-"Heidi in Real Life" said...

BB--you're on my blog roll so I don't miss any of your stuff either. Thanks for the ego boost--it makes me feel almost as good as Mucinex-D!!
Katie- Thanks for the compliments, I'm humbled. I'm a new fan of yours now too. Bubble wrap...LOL!

colbymarshall said...

Are you taking cold meds? That would explain the dopey...