Thursday, December 16, 2010

Bunny Tweets Again

Do Rabbits get hernias?  If not, I think I need some stronger back teeth.

Are you following me?  Cause if you're following me, I'm going to stand stone still, twitch and then run away.  I mean it.

I saw a cucumber the size of a scuba tank this morning.  It seemed too good to be true, so I, the eternal skeptic, did not nibble on it.

With two different kinds of legs, finding it hard to make snow angels look like actual angels.

Other rabbits are looking at me (sideways of course) and rolling their eyes.  Independent thinkers often get this reaction.  Sheep don't.

I spy a tomato that's bigger than me, and remembering Peter the Pumpkin eater, I chuckle.

Observed Heidi light gas grill with giant flash of fire followed by singed hair odor. Gladtobeknownforkeenhearingnotsmelling  

Wondering if you can load a gun with rabbit pellets?

If so, I'd like to.

After listening to Elvis Prestley's famous song, new favorite activity is to make hound dogs feel defeated.

Long ears are occurring in epidemic proportions among elderly humans.  But theirs just droop, while mine are still perky.

It's very windy today.  Wondering if there are any animals besides rabbits, donkeys and elephants that have to worry about involuntary ear movement.

Wants to feel Christmasy, but all-red lights on favorite fur tree makes abode look more like all-night brothel (which isn't a bad thing in my culture).

Thursday, December 9, 2010

The “Have a Happy Dysfunctional Holiday” Game

Note:  Characters are fictitious.  Any similarity to a person alive, dead, in rehab, in my family or in the house down the street with the pink shutters, is purely unintentional.

Dysfunctional family holidays are all the rage.  If your relatives don’t always mesh, and you’d like to brighten your nerve wracking events, try…


Object of the Game:  To keep everyone together in one room without getting hurt.

Players (pick any number):  1 Pair of Grandparents, 1 Outspoken Male and 1 Fainting Male, 1 Texting Teen, 1 Alcoholic in Treatment, 1 Emotional Eater, 1 Angelic Child, 1 Confrontational Female, 1 Quiet Female, 1 Mr. Manners, 1 Single Parent and 1 Dog

When all seems lostSPIN THE ARROW for Stress-Relieving Suggestions.

The board is separated into 4 rooms (you can substitute yours):  The Living Room with the T.V. for distraction, the Basement, the Kitchen where the grandparents always sit because they can’t get out of the living room furniture and the Porch for smokers and (sometimes) Dog.

Sample (Fictional) Scenario:  The players start by sitting in various rooms.  The Alcoholic in Treatment will draw first from the OFFEND OTHERS deck.  His reads his card outloud, “TALK ABOUT SOMETHING GROSS” and he starts explaining, in great, graphic detail, about his recent strip search.  This will cause Mr. Manners to leave the room to join the grandparents in the kitchen and the Fainter to turn lily white and drop to the floor.  The Emotional Eater retreats to the kitchen, straps on the feed-bag and eats from it like a mare.  Angelic Child tries to get the Confrontational Female (CF) attention, but CF) is only interested in the Dog (and says so). The Texting Teen exits to the basement for privacy.

SPIN THE ARROW for a Stress Relief Suggestion to try to bring them back together.  It lands on Alcohol Time, which makes the grandparents very fun.  They start talking about recent colonoscopies and the necessary preparations.  Ooops!  Fainter hits the deck again and when he regains consciousness goes to the porch for a smoke, while Mr. Manners, now slightly intoxicated and slightly less uptight stays seated.  Alcoholic in Treatment joins the Fainter on the porch to avoid the temptation.  Emotional Eater badly needs a drink, but doesn’t want to hurt her gall-bladder.

Outspoken Male draws from the OFFEND OTHERS deck.  He reads his card, “Burp out Loud” and does so, causing Mr. Manners to twitch, change colors and change rooms again.  Texting Teen and CF laugh in mocking amusement.  Alcoholic in Treatment has the power to burp “at will”…and does…which causes Mr. Manners to LOSE it, and temporarily exit the party. 

Everyone draws from the WHAT TO SERVE FOR DINNER cards.  Angelic Child draws a “Sweet Potato” card and the dish goes in the oven.  However, one of the grandparents drew “Turn the oven up for your own dish without telling anyone” card from the OFFEND OTHERS deck and the sweet potatoes go up in flames.  A Fruitcake card is shyly drawn next by Quiet Female and everyone scatters.  A quick SPIN THE ARROW for a Stress Relief Suggestion and Hookah Pipe time and the entire room is finally mellow.  Single Parent, swirling, takes 15 minutes to open her napkin.

The drawing of the WHAT TO SERVE FOR DINNER cards produces 3 dishes that everyone can eat with various stomach ailments and vegetarian preferences:  Beets, Lemon Juice and Meatloaf. CF uses her OFFEND OTHERS card (“Break the ‘No Feeding the Dog from the Table’ rule) and while everyone is finally seated, offers Dog her meatloaf.  The grandparents push away from the table and ask for their coats. 

SPIN THE ARROW for a Stress Relief Suggestion again and it’s Sing-A-Long Time.  This throws the Emotional Eater into a feeding frenzy.  No one sings, but Angelic Child is pressured by the grandparents to play the piano.  Emotional Eater instead turns on music channel cable and the effect is soothing and draws everyone near.  The lights are dimmed and the Christmas tree shines.  At last, all is calm with everyone ‘high’ and equally offended.  

Game over.

Happy Dysfunctional Holidays to all!

Sunday, December 5, 2010

To "Channel "Jackie or Pass on the Office Party?

“I need to find you an escort,” I told Fred recently, dreading his upcoming swanky office party.  There is a thin, pretty, quiet woman inside me dying to get out to serve as my husband’s mute eye-candy (no offense to mutes), but I have her distracted with cinnamon rolls and promises of long walks.

I’m not the person you want by your side at a dignified party.  I’m the girl who rides a mall massage chair like a bucking bronco, gets stuck in a ladder-less pool and cracks toilets seats.  My ADHD fueled social nervousness is a catalyst for event disaster.  I don’t even need alcohol.

I’m not exaggerating the problem. 
A Great Tit
Once, while dining with a British associate, he began talking about his hobby of watching tits.  Watching TITS!  I tried coaching my imagination (“he did not just say tits”), but he kept talking about the different colored ones he’d seen in his field and my face pulled back like The Joker and my drink sprayed out my nose like a shower spigot.  

 “Just pretend you’re on a job interview,” Fred suggested.  Fred’s memory is short.  I once said, ‘I am woman, hear me roar’ at a job interview.  I once told a potential interview panel about my Mom’s blackhead.  I’m dead serious

In the past, at proper dinners with Fred’s co-workers, I’ve tried saying nothing, and just smile and nod.  But inevitably someone will make eye contact and ask me a question and sweat starts rolling down Fred's face.

But maybe some preparation might help.  What kinds of questions are they likely to ask?

Question 1:  Do you work? 
Answer:  Yes, I’m a fitness instructor.
The table would fall silent at this answer.  Confused looks would come upon their faces.  Did you say, ‘FITNESS instructor?”  Unspoken:  “She couldn’t have said FITNESS instructor, she’s not at ALL fit” and “maybe she said ‘fatness instructor.’”
Alternative Answer:  Yes. I’m a humor blog author.
As I rattle off my blogspot site, I would remind myself of some recent titles such as “Diarrhea on a Plane” and “Awakened by the Bathroom Vampires.”  Would reading my blog do Fred any social GOOD at work?
Another Alternative Answer:  Yes.  I Twitter.
Some polite person would ask me the name of my “handle” and I would reply, “Bunny in my Garden.”  People would eye Fred sympathetically and politely ask me the reason I write from the perspective of a garden rabbit. 
A dignified, Jackie Kennedy type answer would require a lie.

Fred should take his mother.