Thursday, February 24, 2011

Did you SEE that Half-Naked Woman in the Bakery Aisle?

My pants fell down in public this morning.  I just thought you should know that up front.

It was a “Perfect Storm” when it came to conditions of my “self-pantsing”: 

·         A banded-bottom sweatshirt exerting force down (and in)
·         “Day before laundry day” looser elastic underwear
·         Cargo pants with “wannabe” sweat pants waistband
·         My apparent feigning sensitivity related to air on my bare flesh

At this point I’d like to interject an apology to all plumbers, electricians and rappers, who I previously chided, behind their backs, for their density regarding the exposure of their backsides.  I would say, “How could they POSSIBLY NOT KNOW their butts were exposed?”  Even my husband, Fred, deserves an apology for the numerous times I’ve said (and meant), “Crack kills” when he was bent over.

I’m a humbler person now.

It all stated when I felt my underwear roll down one side off my hip while walking in a store.  When it became distractingly uncomfortable, and I couldn’t stand it another second, I said to my friend:

“I’m having an underwear emergency” and I left her puzzling with my cart and purse. 
5 paces toward the restroom, the final lip of underwear rolled off the other hip and hung low on both sides, supported only by my inseam--an incredibly awkward feeling.

10 paces later, I felt cold… colder than maybe I should have felt minus only a thin layer of cotton.  5 more paces, I reached down and realized that not only had my underwear rolled down…but they took my PANTS WITH THEM! 
I was bare-assed in the grocery store!  And I didn’t even know it.

It probably took just seconds to pull everything up again, but it happened in slow motion, just like in the movies.  The only other time (aside from that mooning incident in college) my butt has been viewed by strangers was in a delivery/examining room. At last in the store restroom, I comforted myself.  Probably no one saw, I thought, rocking myself in the fetal position.

It could have been worse.  I could have fallen.  Some Samaritan would say, “Do you need help?” then, “Holy Mother!  Why are you naked?”  Followed closely by an announcement, breaking up the England Dan and John Ford Coley medley over the loud-speaker: 
“Stock person report to Aisle 2 with a tarp.  And dark glasses.”

My friend cheered me up on the way home by giving me clever suggestions for potential Hallmark cards related to a “Pants Fell Down” category:

·         Sorry to hear you’re “Down in the Pants”
·         Got Caught with your Pants Down? (inside) It could happen to any 3 year old.
·         Happy Birthday …Suit
I explained the incident to Fred when I got home, and he said (and in the immortal words of Dave Barry…”I’m not making this up.”):

“Do you think there’s something wrong with you?”



Nurse Mommy said...

Funny story...funny husband! Sorry you were the butt of many jokes. Keep an eye on YouTube! :)

Von said...

Oooppps!thanks for reminding me of one of my all time favourite streakers.Out today buying new pants?

Anonymous said...

At the risk of sounding unkind, I'm sitting here laughing so hard the tears are falling down my face! Please take heart though - I'm not laughing at you, but just at the sheer relief that THIS time it wasn't ME!!

Way to go on finding the humor in it... and take heart - no one probably even noticed, and if by some slim chance they did they were likely thinking only about themselves, like I just did.

Jen Has A Pen said...

How in the world have I not been following you? Clearly, I'm an idiot.

This had me in stitches! :-) Also, I don't necessarily write "pluck chin hair" in my planner, but I do pluck chin hair while I'm driving. Other drivers stare. I can't handle the judgement, so I nervously put my tweezers down and try to pretend it wasn't just happening.

Lydia K said...

Thank you.

Thank you for making me laugh after a long day of work.

I'm sorry your bare ass had to be sacrificed to make me feel better, but I think it was worth it.

Andy said...

I hope you don't develop a complex like I did when my skirt fell off in front of the class in the fourth grade! Hilarious, Heidi! I only wish it had happened to me so that I could have blogged about it!

Heidi-"Heidi in Real Life" said...

Nurse Mommy- I will toss and turn all night thinking of my YouTube debut.
Von- you betcha I'm buying new pants!
Anonymous- I certainly hope no one noticed, can't really be sure.
Jen- Glad you found me! We'll laugh together!
Lydia- I'm glad my bare-ass came in handy.
Andy- It's time to blog about your 4th grade humiliation.

Joanne said...

OMG! The Head Nut and I are sitting here in hysterics, I have tears running down my face. I have lost the elastic in my pants before but I always managed to catch them before they fell.

Vintage Tea Time said...

Spluttering into my morning tea here reading your post! Poor you! It hasn't happened to me - yet! Go and buy some new pants, girl!

Doctor FTSE said...

Hello Heidi. Thanks for your comment on my Very Silly Blog post. The best compliment I could pay to yours here was to link to it from my blog. Reminded me of a record much played in the 1970's - "The Streak" - whihc you can find on YouTube.

Heidi-"Heidi in Real Life" said...

Tea-Time--Cheers (clinks tea cup to you)--here's hoping in never happens to you!
Dr. FTSE- Ha-yes, I remember that song. If I were going to streak though, I'd wait until I got a cuter butt back.

Raining Acorns said...

No, you couldn't make that up, but you certainly do know how to make it into a rollicking yarn!

I'm Jane said...

Hey, don't they have security cameras all over grocery stores these days? :)

Heidi-"Heidi in Real Life" said...

Acorns- you're right, I couldn't make that up!
Jane-Security cameras musta missed me--something tells me I'd have heard about it by now (hopes, chewing nails). ;-)

Ami said...

Oh my gosh, that was you?
Wait. I'm in Oregon.

I guess it wasn't you.

But at least it wasn't ME.



nick said...

Someone must have had a camera - looking for the youtube post

Jinksy said...

Full marks for knowing how to laugh about it! Great tonic story!! :)

Heidi-"Heidi in Real Life" said...

Nick-- I'm not worried--it would have to be taken with a "crack proof" lens. ;-)
Jinksy- The alternative to laughing would be heavy drinking/cake eating followed by self-loathing. Blogging is great therapy.

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

Pants on the Ground! Dang, girl! Oh to have been the friend with you when your crack killed! Ha! So funny, Heidi.

Friko said...

I bet your fall from grace HAS been preserved for posterity.
You've forgotten about all the security cameras everywhere. Even as I write this there are scores of store workers peeing themselves at the picture of you in half mast mourning.

I had a very good laugh myself.

Heidi-"Heidi in Real Life" said...

Dawn-Glad you're back from FLA--bet you have your own mooning blog ahead!
Friko-I'm trying not to think about there being footage of my crackage.

Lance said...

Since the hdealine said Half Naked woman I decided to not use my glasses. Keeps me out of trouble that way.

That you for following and commenting me blog. The favor has been returned. Nice nose.

Monkey Man said...

We men can be a caring and sensitive lot.

Katie Gates said...

Once, while on Cape Cod, I was out with some friends, and I was wearing a strapless, tube-topped sundress. A frog, hopping across a parking lot, caught my attention, and I bent over to get a closer look. When I returned to a standing position, the top of the sundress had rolled down and my boobs were there for all to see. But this was in Provincetown, where all the men are gay. Such a waste of a wardrobe malfunction!

Heidi-"Heidi in Real Life" said...

Lance- Thanks, it helps to keep my glasses on.
Monkey Man- You're absolutely right.
Katie- How embarrassing! I think boobs are a lot less offensive to onlookers (everyone loves boobs).

Mo said...

hahahaha So good. This keep me laughing for ages

Rolf said...

I don't need youtube to visualize


WritingNut said...

Oh my gosh! I'm so sorry that happened, but not only did you get a terrific story out of it, but you're going to be able to get a great laugh out of it too. And yes, you're right.. it could have been worse! :)

The Offended Blogger said...

“Do you need help?” then, “Holy Mother! Why are you naked?”

Funniest thing I've read all day! :)

Heidi-"Heidi in Real Life" said...

Mo- Hi, and thanks.
Rolf- that's good--because as I check daily, I haven't made it yet (at least not as "Woman loses pants" search words).
Writing Nut- Could have been way worse--our minister shops there.
Offended Blogger-Nice to hear from you--those pants are in the garbage now.

Ruth said...

Ahhhh! What a great laugh. Only in dreams I picture this. But no! And that great final line . . .


Mike said...

"My friend cheered me up"

A real friend would have been videoing everything and had it posted by now.

Bagman and Butler said...

I have deeply missed laughing with you the last week being too busy to check my favorites. But this is a classic...and an amazing experience - the first time I can remember laughing out loud and being aroused at the same time. Someday I will have to blog about the time I was running a quarter mile track race in high school and my jock slipped leaving me...well...

Heidi-"Heidi in Real Life" said...

Ruth-It was nice to check the "humiliation in the grocery store" box. ;-)
Mike-What kind of friends do you have? ;-)
BB- I can't wait to read it. If you'd been there, I think you'd wonder how an albino rhinocerous got lose in the store.

Tenon_Saw said...

A vivid description.

Jenny said...

Didn't I see this on u-tube? Do they even make underwear suspenders?

Heidi-"Heidi in Real Life" said...

Tenon_Saw--I think my friend would have had a better description (I would have needed a mirror.
Jenny-Suspenders is a fantastic notion