Sunday, February 5, 2012

I Hear Naked People

In our gym locker room, I am often called upon to talk to naked women.  I try to look down and rush to a “doored” private cubby, but they find me and want to talk about ordinary things.  They don’t seem to care that something (a lot, actually) is off.  
Why can’t they just leave me alone??
           
I know we’re all women. I’m not offended by their casual attire, even if it does feel a little "National Geographicy" at times. It’s just not part of my normal to talk to strangers without at least two layers of something between us.  The weird part is while I am at my MOST vulnerable that “that condition”—they don’t see it that way.  I’ve actually been scolded by a nude.

“You should mop up the floor under you, those puddles are slippery!”  I turned to apologize and was greeted by angry eyes and a lot of peachy flesh.  There’s something about a bold, “Unashamed to be Naked” woman that intimidates me.

I had nightmares for a week.        

I’m no prude.  I’ve had plenty of pleasurable private naked historic events, but none of them ever involved yappy senior female nudists.  Maybe it’s just me, but if you’re going to enter my personal space-bubble (as many of them do) unclothed -- you should at least buy me dinner.

Here’s my personal decree:  If you’re naked in the locker room and you want to talk to me, I’ll be able to pay attention to you for approximately 2 nanoseconds.  After that, my brain starts sending a million ADHD-fueled conflicting signals and…Heidi will have left the building.  If you really want to talk to me, unless it’s about danger or that a spider is about to drop on me--can’t I just meet you in the lobby?

“What do you think about the “Piggly Wiggly” expansion?”  A member asked me.  They never ask me “Yes/No” questions. 

“I think it’s nice,” I, all dressed and packed up ready to go, managed to say, looking at her hairline.

“I think it’s fantastic.  They’re really giving Festival…” 

WARNING:  Heidi NAKED DECREE will COMMENCE in ..3,2,1

Followed by, “Blah, blah, blah, blah, boob, blah, boob, blah,” She had run-over my 2 nanosecond attention span and I was a deer in her headlights.

“I got to run, Hazel.”

“O.k., but when are you teaching…”

LA-LA-LA-LA-LA

7 comments:

Emma Lauren said...

I agree! When I was in college, we had community bathrooms. Although there were separate shower stalls, there was always that chance you'd run into a birthday suit en route. I contemplated showering in my robe on many occasions. Fortunately, no one ever seemed interested in chatting.

laughingmom said...

"Private naked historic events" HA!! I love that. I guess that is better than unremarkable events.

Nurse Mommy said...

Interesting phenomenon why they are drawn to you. Very funny and unfortunately for the reader quite vivid. Thanks!

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

"I’ve had plenty of pleasurable private naked historic events,"
This sentence just made my day, along with blah blah boob blah blah blah boob.
So, so funny, my Heidi. Loved loved loved it!!

Bagman and Butler said...

Unfortunately naked women never want to talk with me. And it has been years since I've had interchanges with naked men. At least those over the age of three. These days my toddling grandchildren give me more challenges while naked than I need. And yes, ah, to remember the pleasure of those private naked historic moments. Such a shame that most of them didn't last over ten minutes.

Larry Hyatt said...

You asked, "Why can't they leave me alone?" I think it's the big red nose.
Good stuff.

Larry Hyatt said...

You asked, "Why don't they leave me alone?" I think it's the big red nose. Funny stuff.