I See Naked People

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I've never been that person in the gym locker who walks around nude. In our gym locker room, I am often called upon to talk to women who do walk around nude.  Somehow, they don’t seem to care that something (a lot, actually) is off.  
I’m no prude.  I’ve had plenty of pleasurable private naked historic events, but none of them ever involved yappy senior female nudists.  Maybe it’s just me, but if you’re going to enter my personal space-bubble unclothed -- let's at least agree to coffee later. 

Here’s my personal decree: 

If you’re naked in the locker room and you want to talk to me, I’ll be able to pay attention to you for approximately 2 nanoseconds.  After that, my brain starts sending a million ADHD-fueled conflicting signals and then Heidi has left the building.  If you really want to talk to me, unless it’s about danger or a spider is about to drop on me--can’t I just meet you in the lobby?

“What do you think about the “Piggly Wiggly” expansion?”  A member asked me.  They never ask me “Yes/No” questions. 

“I think it’s nice,” I, all dressed and packed up ready to go, managed to say, looking at her hairline.

“I think it’s fantastic.  They’re really giving Festival…” 


WARNING:  Heidi NAKED DECREE will COMMENCE in ..3,2,1

Followed by, “Blah, blah, blah, blah, boob, blah, boob, blah,” She had run-over my 2 nanosecond attention span and I was a deer in her headlights.

“I got to run, Hazel.”

“O.k., but when are you teaching…”

LA-LA-LA-LA-LA



Comments

Anonymous said…
I agree! When I was in college, we had community bathrooms. Although there were separate shower stalls, there was always that chance you'd run into a birthday suit en route. I contemplated showering in my robe on many occasions. Fortunately, no one ever seemed interested in chatting.
February 5, 2012 at 12:40 PM
laughingmom said…
"Private naked historic events" HA!! I love that. I guess that is better than unremarkable events.
February 5, 2012 at 1:09 PM
Stacey Hatton said…
Interesting phenomenon why they are drawn to you. Very funny and unfortunately for the reader quite vivid. Thanks!
February 5, 2012 at 2:12 PM
Dawn@Lighten Up! said…
"I’ve had plenty of pleasurable private naked historic events,"
This sentence just made my day, along with blah blah boob blah blah blah boob.
So, so funny, my Heidi. Loved loved loved it!!
February 6, 2012 at 7:48 AM
Bagman and Butler said…
Unfortunately naked women never want to talk with me. And it has been years since I've had interchanges with naked men. At least those over the age of three. These days my toddling grandchildren give me more challenges while naked than I need. And yes, ah, to remember the pleasure of those private naked historic moments. Such a shame that most of them didn't last over ten minutes.
February 7, 2012 at 3:12 PM
Larry Hyatt said…
You asked, "Why can't they leave me alone?" I think it's the big red nose.
Good stuff.
February 24, 2012 at 3:19 PM
Larry Hyatt said…
You asked, "Why don't they leave me alone?" I think it's the big red nose. Funny stuff.
February 24, 2012 at 3:21 PM
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