Friday, May 20, 2011

I’ve Mounted WAY MORE than My Share of Birthday Saddles

Anyone out there who has darn-near hyperventilated blowing out trick candles;  who’s had 20 friends startle you in a darkened room; or who’s been attacked by 30 pink flamingos on your front lawn—and hated every second of it—let us commiserate together.

But we do like the cake and presents though.

“Is having a nice, quiet birthday too much to ask?”  I inquired of my husband, Fred, earlier this year…pre-birthday.

“But what fun is that for everyone else?” he replied and flashed that I’ve-got-something-in-the-works guilty look. 

Each year, when I blow out my birthday candles I wish the same wish—just give me my fattening dessert and don’t involve strangers with fiendish grins.  I wish, O granter of birthday wishes, that there was a law against embarrassing birthdays, so that the next time someone slips a waiter a note about my birthday, a police officer would poof in, put them in handcuffs and force THEM sit on a table-side saddle in front of 150 strangers on their 40th.

Yeah!  Ride THAT cowboy!

This year a friend offered to take me to lunch at my favorite Mexican restaurant on my birthday.  I accepted, but begged her—

“Please don’t tell them it’s my birthday—I SERIOUSLY do not want to wear the sombrero!”

But…faster than you can say, “Where’s the ladies room?” a mariachi band had assembled and the Spanish speaking waiter presented me with a fabulously ornate black sombrero, fiendishly grinning, saying, “Feliz Cumpleanos!” which I hoped meant “Here is a million dollars” or  at least “We spray for head lice.”

My “Birthday Embarrassment” is not limited to dinning.  In fact, surprise parties should be listed on a bottle of Benadryl as a cause for hives.  Fred threw me a surprise party for my 33nd birthday but he now knows if he ever does that again, he should plan to sleep with one eye open and his good ear up…forever. 

Children LIVE for their birthdays and they don’t mind people staring at them waiting for their amusing reactions and having total strangers size them up to guess their age.  They squeal happily over the fuss and don’t fret about how they’re going to look in all those candid pictures (or who will post them on Facebook).  Save the parties, the hats and horns and the singing restaurant employees for the little kids….

…and leave us this old, camera-shy “Birthday Grinch” alone!  

I still want cake and presents though.


Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

Heh. You said 'mount.' come on now, you know you totally wanna wear the hat! Lol loved this. One of my favorites of yours!

Oilfield Trash said...

I agree with you about surprise parties coming on the warning label of bendryl.

laughingmom said...

Last year for my birthday I told my family I wasn't celebrating. It turned out to be my happiest birthday in a LONG time.

Jen Has A Pen said...

I completely don't get the singing in restaurants thing. I have a job, I don't need the free dessert. Please don't sing the fuc***g song to me! Please don't make me wear the hat. Have you ever been to a birthday at Carrabbas? Oh Jesus. Even sung in Italian, I feel like a carnival side show.

On the other hand, I want a big deal made of my birthday - just not made by servers. :-)

And, to answer your question about my HSG, results came back fine. No blockages, gloriously open tubes. :-) Were you the one who told me to take Motrin beforehand? I feel like you were.

Jen Has A Pen said...

Amen to you for being the Motrin suggester. I was trying to remember who I should have thanked for that! :-) It was extremely helpful. They had to dialate me, which made me want to shed my vagina and walk away from it for good. :-)

Heidi-"Heidi in Real Life" said...

Dawn- The purpose of the hat is ridicule. I hates the hat! ;-) But I love the word "mount". ;-)
Oilfield Trash- Yup--got a few bright ones just THINKING about a surprise party.
Laughing Mom-I try that every year.
Jen with a Pen- I hope you were drugged for that!

Anonymous said...

I'd be that friend!!! Loved you in the sombrero :) Just wish I had a camera. Remember, we did get a free dessert from the whole affair!!!