Sunday, May 22, 2011

Aunt Heidi Speaks on Mature Body Awareness

This is not meant to replace your annual physical, mammogram, pap-smear or prostate check.

We all remember “The MOVIE” right?  They put the boys in one room, the girls in the other to teach us about the forthcoming changes in our bodies?  How about making one for us in our late 30s, so when things start changing… again…we don’t think we’re dying?

Man Movie Highlights:

When you reach your 40s, you’ll have new and wonderful areas of expanding skin…just above your eyebrows.  Don’t worry--the hair isn’t disappearing, it’s just moved… to inside your ears.  The new 4” long eyebrow hairs you’re growing should take the focus off your shiny head.  Nature finds a way!

Speaking of ears-- it’s not your imagination-- they actually ARE getting bigger.  Don’t bother your doctor--you’re not becoming a chimp--ears grow forever.  Your nose grows forever too.  In fact, in about 30 years, you and all your male friends can have an “Elmer Fudd” look-alike contest…and you’ll all win. 
Please--don’t worry about that indentation on your “remote control” thumb.  You’re not dying.  That’s from turning the volume up…a lot.  It’s not the new plumage of ear-hair interfering with the sound waves either.  Go get an exam or one of those “Miracle Ear” thingamajigs and give your family a break…or we’ll all go deaf!

If you think I’m picking on you men—I dare you to be a 45-year old woman for a day….

Woman Movie Highlights:

I’ll start with some free association:

Turkey-neck.       Leaky Bladder.      Grey Hair.    Anti-Gravity Boobs. 

Eye-lid Hoods.     Wrinkled...EVERYTHING.    Hooves.

Dried-Up Like a Wind-Mummified Nomad.

Don’t be surprised by facial hair growth.  Like most 13-16 year old young men, peach fuzz can appear on our upper lips and chins.  And…just like 13-16 year old boy, if you shave your chin often enough, the hair will come in like Rasputin’s. 

Warring hormones will burn you like a cross on a vampire, causing sleeplessness, marital challenges and angst among your coworkers.  You’ll also have to go to the bathroom at night as often as a new puppy.  Advice:  Go to your happy place and put a piece of duct tape across your mouth…and reorient your bed so you’re closer to the bathroom.

Heidi trying to avoid being photographed.
If you’re in your 40s now, chances are you worshipped the sun as a teenager like I did.  Hope you had fun, because it’s time to pay the “Tanning Piper.”  I look so much like a spotted hyena right now and if I got on all-fours and laughed, someone would shoot me with a tranquilizer gun and haul me to the Milwaukee Zoo.  Be sure to have a “Mole/Liver Spot” map made with your doctor.  Be sure to ask for credentials if you happen to go to a “Free Full Body Scan” clinic.

If you’re having trouble reading this… 

Go get some bifocals.  There are no more “lines” to tip off people that you’re half blind.  The true tell-tale sign of a bifocal wearer is “Nodding” to find the right spot to see through.  It also makes us appear very agreeable.

Does this help in your transition into mature adulthood? 

Yeah, me neither.


Joanne said...

Sadly, it's all true. When I'm bored now I pluck my chin hairs!

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

"Warring hormones will burn you like a cross on a vampire, causing sleeplessness, marital challenges and angst among your coworkers." Along with the need to wring out your PJs every morning. Grrr! So stinkin' funny, cuz it's so stinkin' true.

Gail said...

Honey, you ain't seen nutin' yet. Just wait 'til you're staring 60 in the headlights!

Friko said...

Don't be silly, none of this will come to pass.

I'm way past 45 and as beautiful, firm and juicy as ever.

Bi-focals are good for you. Sitting in front of your computer they make you tilt your head backwards to look at the screen through the bottom half and thereby keep your chin and neck free of crepe.
It'll be fine dear, don't panic.

And if none of the above is true you can always write a funny blogpost about it and make others laugh and commiserate.

Fragrant Liar said...

Yes, we could all use a menopause manual. When you stop learning, they say, you may as well be dead. When your nose and ears stop growing, that will be especially true.

Bagman and Butler said...

Oh, God!!! And at 65, I can tell you that you've only scratched the surface!! Hilarious...well, hilarious if it wasn't so painfully true. At my annual physical last week, I finally had to accept the fact that I'm 5'11" and not six feet tall. Probably why my squished vertebrae make me waste ten minute trying to figure out how to get out of bed and stand up. At least I think I still have a sex drive but I've lost the transmission.

ssaretsky said...

Heidi - I'm still convinced that we're sisters somehow. I think our mother's forgot to tell us something! I was just talking about the bifocals yesterday. I take my readers off and on so much that my students just bought me not one, but two holders to wear around my neck. I kept loosing them and have now poked myself in the eye twice in front of a class of 45 young nurses. I convinced my class the other day that all older women pee on themselves and all older men have prostate and erictile function issues. At least it was fun to watch them leave in fear! said...

You're so right. I went ballistic on the young chipper eye doc who told me, at age 40, that I need bifocals.

I'm a fan of any humorist chocolate-lover. Found you through Dawn and I'm glad I did.


Sandra said...

As a 42 year old, I have experienced the leaky bladder. Still waiting for the first facial hairs, first sun spots, first turkey's coming, I know it is. I can feel it in the night, ready to pounce, as I'm coming out of the bathroom for the third time!