Takin’ it to the Streets: The Pets of Springfield, OH

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The fur is really flying in Springfield, OH, as citizens, interested parties and especially pets of voters are enraged and taking it to the streets this election eve.  Many of the pets are out on the front lawn with signs:

“The Haitians were GREETING us, not EATING us!”

Haitian immigrants can be seen outside too, hugging the cats, dogs and hamsters…and not in a creepy way.   

Pets of all size and shape think they can influence the outcome of this election.  Forget about Iowa, folks.   Where the atrocities of false rumors have been spread, they must be addressed and avenged.  

“The Haitians have come here due to our low cost of living and plentiful jobs,” said Fido, a mutt, “and they’re friendly to us.  They eat mainly starch anyway, not meat.  Be afraid if you’re a navy bean!”

“Yeah, I saw a bald eagle flying around the other day.  Now, they will eat us!” said Rufus the hedgehog, shivering.

Donald Trump, lured by the size of the rally, arrives in his garbage truck and can be seen with a megaphone, warning the pets to go inside lest they be eaten by “illegal aliens”.  A cat fight between Trump and two big pussies ensued.  Both felines now claim to have been grabbed by Trump…in a very creepy way.

J.D. Vance is onsite as well, trying to protect the cats from all the single ladies. 

“Keep the cats away.  If those women have cats, they won’t have babies!”  Vance cried, trying to herd them, which as everyone knows is very difficult.

“We won’t go!  We like single ladies!”  the tabbies hissed.

Cat and dogs protesting together!  Mass hysteria!  Puppies are nibbling Trump’s shoes and hamsters are crawling up Vance’s suit, trying to see if he really does wear mascara.

The mood intensifies when the national guard shows up, called forth by Trump, in anticipation of victory. 

“Why aren’t they worried about school children being killed by guns?” the chameleon chimed in, “the pets of Springfield are just fine.” 

“Yeah, it’s fine to “save the fetuses”, but when they grow to school age, it’s every child for itself?” the mother hen clucked, “I take care of my eggs AND my chicks!”

You heard it here first. 

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