Sunday, August 28, 2011

You Think You’ve Got it Ruff?

My owners are idiots. 
They brought me to the grandparent’s house, leashed me to a shade tree, left me a bowl of water and patted my head.  They were gone for 2 hours (that’s 14 in dog hours), during which time the old folks’ automatic sprinklers timed ‘on.’  There I was trapped in my 10 foot circle while the Ch-ch-ch-ch-tsssssssssssss Ch-ch-ch-ch- tssssssssssss spritzes of water, from which I could not escape, nailed me every 20 seconds.  Oh, they came home and felt bad, but I definitely heard some chuckling at my expense.
This latest incident follows a long summer of “First Time Dog Owner” follies with me as the main act.  Heidi’s previous blog detailing my humiliating “all-over” shave was a crock of dog-doo.  I would have titled it, “Jasmine feels all exposed and NASTY.” I’m glad she got butt-fur on her face.  If I had known it would have caused her such discomfort, I would have blown the hair up at her myself.
This all started back in July, when the “fam” took me with them to a lake house.  They let me swim and run around on the sand bar, catching Nerf balls, which was great.  But all that physical activity loosened things up and you know…I had to go.  As soon as they saw me squat (and it was WAY too late for me to stop squatting), I got yanked back in the boat while someone danced around screaming for something plastic.  I was brought to shore immediately, which I thought was silly, because I was “clearly” DONE.
A couple of weeks after the lake weekend, I started to itch--A LOT. The recommended Borax bath was supposed to dry naturally--so I couldn’t be toweled dry on my way outside.  BOY was I heavy --I could hardly move.  I couldn’t stand it…one…. more…minute… and I shook so furiously, the ceiling and walls were dripping.  That felt better.  Then my skin and hair turned snowy white.  The neighbor dogs raised their tails and growled at me.  Hey—it’s still me guys, I tried to communicate, even though I looked like the canine Methuselah.
The doctor admitted the bath didn’t help, because 2 days later I was covered in the grossest possible nodules.  She prescribed BIG green pills for my skin infection that I got to eat off a spoon with peanut butter.  That almost made up for the fact that I had to be brushed 3 times a day to get rid of the potato-chip sized flakes in my hair. 

Well, after this past weekend “Sprinkler Soak”, I decided to get even.
I tried to stay as moist as possible so the wet-dog smell would permeate the carpet and car upholstery on the drive home.  Next, I inhaled all the air in the car and exhaled it through my mouth.  It was raining so they couldn’t open the windows.  To their credit, the four of them didn’t complain much, and I got 10- 15 Pizza doggie treats just for looking cute.
Guilt is a wonderful tool.
Signed, Jasmine

6 comments:

Jemi Fraser said...

Poor Jasmine!!! Glad you got some treats at the end :)

Bagman and Butler said...

Jasmine's writing is as humorous as yours. I loved the poop in the boat scene -- and yes, why do we always take them outside when they've already gone.

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

"covered in the grossest possible nodules."
I HATE when that happens to me!
This was hilarious. I love it when you write like an ANIMAL!

Gene Pool Diva said...

Jasmine, Jasmine, Jasmine, I've got your number you little stinker!

ssaretsky said...

We should get Jasmine and Dexter together...I think he may have similar thoughts. It took Eric and I about an hour to clip three dewclaws...we decided to leave the last one. Love your writing!

Lisa Tognola said...

Carol King said it best: Jazzman. . .take my blues away. . . ;)