Wednesday, June 22, 2011

“I *Never* Do”

I’m feeling kind of “Weddingy” these days. I just saw “Bridesmaids” and now my youngest son is engaged. A friend’s daughter is set to wed on Saturday and a neighbor in a couple of weeks.

Because I have a lot of experience in what not to do....HERE COMES THE: Wedding “I never Dos”

1. Brides--Never, EVER pretend to throw the bouquet.
I was 20 the first time I tried to catch a bouquet. I was at a wedding reception with my boyfriend. The bride positioned herself to toss the flowers backwards. Just as she made a motion to throw, I, alone, charged for it, crazed ram-like. I tripped and when I raised my head up from the grass and saw my boyfriend, now sheep-white with several men around him slapping his back and laughing. The bride had only pretended to throw it that time.

After 26 years, I still want to punch her face in.

2. Never allow yourself to be photographed doing the “Chicken Dance.”

I was having a very good time at my wedding. Such a good time, I didn’t realize that my new uncle-in-law had stopped filming the 19 year old Danish foreign exchange student and turned the camcorder on me until we were at a post-wedding gathering at the Eagles Club 2 weeks later.

“Is that you?” my husband, Fred, asked. I looked up from a conversation to see myself flapping and making “talkie-crab hands” on 5 giant T.V. screens. Thanks to a prior undocumented slow dance with Fred’s sweaty friend, my make-up was running.

I was Alice Cooper in a giant lacey albino orca suit.

Don’t even get me started on the “Hokey Pokey” clip.

3. Unless you want exploding boutonnieres roses, never order from “Discount Flowers.”

I ordered peach roses for my bouquet and the men’s boutonnieres from a cheap florist. We were outside only 10 minutes before the temperature change caused the cold flowers, pinned to the men, to explode. We’re talking Morticia Addams-like beheaded flowers. Petal-less stems. “Anti-Boutonnieres.”

4. Make sure your wedding photographer doesn’t have a brain tumor.

We took requests for extra picture copies back to our wedding photographer—who had a complete personality change and didn’t know who we were. I described us, “The Frazers. You know, exploding flowers, white nightmare “Chicken Dance”, super-model foreign exchange student?” But still, “No. Sorry.”

“What are you talking about you don’t remember—don’t you keep records?”

“I had a brain tumor removed and my short term memories are lost,” she eventually stammered. She might be able to locate the negatives… but then she asked me who I was again.

5. Never acknowledge it was your kid who took all the cheese cubes off the ice sculpture table.

Well, obviously.


Mike said...

A failed wedding photographer is a failed wedding.

Jemi Fraser said...

Yikes! I've never heard of exploding flowers before!!! Hopefully the weddings coming up are disaster free! :)

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

I could totally see you doing the chicken dance. And we've never even met in person before. Such is the power of your writing.

Cheeseboy said...

So stinkin' funny! The brain tumor thing seriously happened to you? Crazy!

I'm your newest follower. Hope to read many more hilarious posts.