Thursday, January 13, 2011

Ohhhhh, FFFFFFUDGE!

The more I try to avoid chocolate, the more trouble I get in and the lower the Limbo Pole of Chocolate-Related Embarrassment keeps going.

Yesterday, I found two Godiva chocolate bars I was going to put in my kids’ Christmas stockings.  I ate them like Scarlett O’Hara, filthy from the war, mauled that dusty radish on Tara

I got a paper cut on my forehead from putting my whole face against a carton of Whoppers last week. 

“Mom, my malted milk balls are missing!” my daughter announced.  Guiltily, I bought her another box and then had to make it look like the same box by getting “rid” of some of them.

And I'm not imagining things when I walked into a candy shop and the customers in the store looked up at me, in unison, like animals sensing a predator.  They clutched their selections and scurried to the cash register.  The candy clerks became super enthusiastic, determined to make me feel like the most important Demy-God in the entire mall.  When the manager of the store saw me, his eyeballs rolled back and became dollar signs like Uncle Scrooge McDuck.

I wouldn't have tackled them--there was plenty for everyone.

Trying to be a reformed choco-holic, I went to a sporting goods store looking for some new exercise gear.  On the cashier’s counter was a display of extra-long Snickers, next to them Butterfingers large enough to be labeled Butterfeet

“That’s gotta be one of those “Power Bars” with asparagus, bark and antler powder in it, right?”
“Nope, they’re just big candy bars.”
“Ring it up”

Blast you, Chocolate, for lurking in unlikely places!

If Clarence, the “It’s a Wonderful Life” angel would indulge me one of those life without something moments, I think my life minus chocolate would be very different.  On the one hand, I’d surely be thinner, more energetic and with at least one two-piece bathing suit.  On the other hand, would life really be worth living?

Are there other chocolate consumers out there who get woozy when they pass a chocolate donut or hear, “Buy me, you know you want to” whispering voices when they are standing next to a Ghirardelli brownie display?  If so, we must unite and harness this dark power to coexist with candy everywhere.

But let’s wait until after Valentines Day.

5 comments:

Raining Acorns said...

Oh, s***w the 2-piece bathing suit. Take it from me, at a certain age, no matter what, they're goners. But chocolate, well, that never gets old (and, by the by, they say now that it's GOOD for us . . . along with red wine).

Nurse Mommy said...

Heidi, I feel your pain. You know you are in bad shape when you find yourself holed up in the pantry with a half-eaten bag of semi-sweet chocolate chips in your paws. Not that that has ever happened to me...I've just heard stories! :) Great blog!

Von said...

Ah! Chocolate! What would life be without it? It stops coughs, helps chronic pain, prolongs life, produces euphoria and tastes so darn good.If they start Chocoholics Anonymous I'm not going.

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

Yeah, I've been gnawing on the leftover block of melting chocolate in the pantry...actual Dawn teeth marks striping it. Not pretty! Love your honest humor, my dear friend!

Heidi said...

Hi Raining Acorns: 2 piece bathing suits should be outlawed in some places. Nurse Mommy: I heard that same story. Von: I've often thought they should have a chocolate delivery service (definitely not approved by Chocolate Anonymous). Dawn at Lighten Up: Dawn teeth marks? HILARIOUS!