Thursday, November 4, 2010

O.k. I’ll vote, but don’t call me “Sir”

The skies were bright yesterday in Heartland.  Warm air filled my lungs, caffeine buzzed in my brain and my thoughts were clear and determined as I walked into the building to vote.

Until someone said, “Here’s your ballot, Sir.”

Granted the man behind the table was 100 years old, with lenses as  thick as a butcher block, but sheesh, what an insult!  Out of the corner of my eye, I saw his table-mate elbow him--a spring chicken compared to Mr. Magoo’s grandfather who wronged me--but it was too late.  Damage done.  Mood deflated to Depressed Middle-Aged Frump Status.

So it's no wonder I was miffed by the time I read the following referendum:

Should the Wisconsin Constitution be amended to prohibit any further transfers or lapses from the segregated transportation fund?”
WHAT?? I am a writer, and a grumpy one now, so all I want to do is edit this confusing nonsense.  Here’s my Heidi version:  

Do you want to change the Wisconsin Constitution to prevent politicians from robbing Peter to pay Paul?  YES  or  NO
Boom!  Done!  Why do they have to write it in such tricky language?  Shouldn’t something that needs a vote be crystal clear?  Are they doing it on purpose so the average person just says, “Oh, the HELL with it and votes, “NO”?”  If I were a sneaky politician, that’s exactly what I’d do. 

But, actually, right now I care a lot more about being called a man than I do about difficult-to-understand political mumbo-gumbo.  

That cat called me “SIR!”  

I propose the following voter amendment referendum:

Do you want to change the voting volunteer rulebook to ask people with negligible eyesight to take volunteer jobs that don’t require sexing people?  YES  or  NO
Or better yet:

Would you like to see people who DO use the wrong gender assigning word to drop through a trap door (onto something soft—I’m not completely heartless)?
It’s not like I’m a dog who doesn’t care if you call it a “he” or a “she.” 

At least I hope they don’t care, because I make that mistake all the time.


Janet Johnson said...

LOL! Loved this point, agree on all of it!

Raining Acorns said...

Yes, indeed, I would vote for your referendums, not only for their content, but for their pithy prose! Reminds me of the time my dentist looked in my mouth when I was 16 or so and asked if I was 12. What humiliation! I suppose my teeth looked young.

Raining Acorns said...

referenda, that should have been! So much for my pithy prose . . .

Bagman and Butler said...

Making a sexing mistake -- great concept -- is something I have hardly ever done and when in doubt I keep mouth shut. Oddly enough, I sometimes do that. Bagman, of course, has never ever made a sexing mistake because he works on sense of chemistry more than appearance.

Jemi Fraser said...

I like your proposals!! I hope the man doesn't still have his license!

Fragrant Liar said...

Oh, you are an intelligent HUMOR writer. My kinda girl. So glad to meet you. Thanks for visiting my site. I'm your new follower too!

Friko said...

My dog is very certain that he's a he, I'll have you know.Thank you for following Friko's poetry etc.

You have very carefully attached yourself to the Poetry blog and the Fridge Soup but have totally ignored my special baby, Friko's Musings. How come? I feel rejection deeply.

colbymarshall said...

Hahahaha. I understand your pain, having been called "sir" over the years, what with a name like Colby. Because we all know that there are NO gender-neutral names. NONE.

Joanne said...

Not very encouraging to voters! However, looking for the silver lining, you demonstrate some amusing writing skills when you're pissed off!

ssaretsky said...

Heidi - I was going to get my hair cut short next week but I'm now rethinking! I can only say that while I havn't been called "sir", I have been mistaken for a being pregnant and if you develop that trap door, I will have a few other uses for it!

Bagman and Butler said...

I nominate you for congress so you can write all the laws!!