Wednesday, October 13, 2010

In The Arms of Another: Mall Massage Chair and Me

It all began when my husband, Fred (who I blame for the entire incident) was taking H-O-U-R-S going over the particulars for his new cell phone plan with a sales clerk in the mall.  My daughter and I walked around the shopping center to a point at which I finally announced, for the first time ever, I was sick of shopping.  Our quest for a comfortable seat ended at a pair of “Pay-As-You-Go” black vinyl massage chairs. 
“Can we try them?” Krista asked. “Why not? It’s only a dollar,” I said.

As soon as Krista’s chair motor started up, she jumped up and out.  “It feels like it’s trying to pinch my spine,” she exclaimed.

“No, it’s just working out the kinks,” I purred.  As she cautiously plunked back in her seat, the mechanism in my seat was luxuriously swirling the backs of my shoulders.  I was starting to relax.

Until the spin cycle started.

 “Mom, are you having a seizure?”
 “Nonononno, whwhwhwhy?”  I shuttered, shimmying like I’ve never shimmied before.  The chair was making me do unspeakable things.  Things I definitely did not want to do--especially in public.

My chair faced the entrance to a “Game Stop” store where numerous male 14-year-old Halo players were exposed to my middle-aged body now opening up and shutting, grinding and jerking.  They were too astonished to snicker, too repulsed to move and too affected to ever look at a woman the same way again.  I tried to laugh it off, but the look on my face caused the one with a Mohawk to drop his chain wallet.

The chair began bucking like an overzealous St. Bernard and making an awful whining noise.  Afraid it might start to smoke, I tried pushing another button on the remote control.  However, lacking the ability to adjust my glasses during the “chair quake” to see through the bifocal lower portion, my best guesses as to what the buttons read were:  Shaggy Knead, Body Plumbing and Squeal, none or which sounded better than the current mode-- Dance Puppet.
After another minute, it DID pinch my spine, which sent me launching near a couple of teenage girls, who were bold enough to say, “What a loser” so I could definitely hear them.

Fred, meanwhile, was urgently trying to make his new cell phone’s video option come to life. 
Thank God for delayed cell phone activation


ssaretsky said...

LOVED IT!!!!!! I'm still laughing out loud and I don't need the video - the description was enough to give me a great visual!

Larry Hyatt said...

In the picture, was it the chair on the right? It looks like it is smiling. I enjoyed that.

Jemi Fraser said...

So funny! I'm never - EVER - going to try one of those chairs now! :)

swapon said...

I also write a comment to this post but never seen. Why? about Mall massage and Me.

Bagman and Butler said...

That could have been a scene in "When Harry Met Sally." Hilarious blog! Dance Puppet mode!! Good thing I read this before drinking my coffee or it would be coming out my nose!

Marti said...

Oh my gosh - too funny! Glad you survived and that hubby wasn't able to get any pictures.

Joanne said...

Did you have a cigarette afterwards?

David Looper said...

So funny!!! I will never ever try such massage chair at mall!!!

Md. Abu Zafor Fagun Ahmad said...

Tahnk you.
This one help me on finding information about massage chair
And this is really wanted by me. Because on the month I will buy a vending massage chair