Parties from Hell

-

All activities I planned for my kid's birthday party either went way too fast, leaving hours of chaos, or they bombed.  Piñata's last only minutes.  Kids also cheat at the “Pin the Tail on the Donkey" game. 

I've have also been booed.

The most recent disaster was a slumber party for my daughter and 5 friends. I’ve been doing birthday parties for years and after much pouting and resistance on my part, the party was scheduled and Krista invited several guests:

Folded-Arms Girl - wouldn’t participate in any of the 3 Ms (music, movies or makeup)

Painfully-Shy Girl - wouldn’t speak to anyone but my daughter

Passed-Out Girl – slept through everything past 8 pm, even my “Do you want me to call your mother?” reputation-tarnishing question delivered at 3:30 am, when ‘Folded-Arms Girl’ became rambunctious with a microwave popcorn bag on her head.

Overly-Sensitive Girl - wept twice (I still don’t know why), and bawled when ‘Painfully-Shy Girl’ spilled orange soda on a corner of her sleeping bag.

The Godfather - The pinkie-to-her lips “Dr. Evil”, who rallied the girls to her side and performed a coup. She even took over control of my dog.

One of the main activities was the “Decorate your Own Cupcake” course. ‘Folded-Arms Girl’ really got into this activity, and instead of making her cupcake pretty, started a contest amongst the other girls of “Who can pile up the most frosting?” ‘Painfully-Shy Girl’ took one bite of her cupcake mountain and ran to the bathroom...for 20 minutes. When I tapped on the door and said:

“Are you o.k.?” three times, each with increasingly urgency, she finally, meekly, squeaked out, 

“I’m fine.”

The high-octane cupcake sugar fueled “The Godfather,” who avoided all planned fun, enlisting our dog in “Attention/At East” exercises. At one point the dog slipped me a note that said, “Help me.” I sent one back that read, “Hey—tonight it’s every animal for herself. Bite her if you want.”

Following dog obedience, “The Godfather’ returned to the group, coaxed the girls into smearing the colored frosting all over their faces, like war paint. Visions of “Lord of the Flies” danced in my head. Even Krista fell under the influence of the dark side. Even Krista.

I, the living embodiment of the “Survivor” theme--outwitted and outplayed and outlasted, have given up on birthday parties. 

I’ll pay anyone, anything to do it for me next time.


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Did you SEE that Half-Naked Woman in the Bakery Aisle?

-
Image
My pants fell down in public this morning.  I just thought you should know that up front . It was a “Perfect Storm” when it came to conditions of my “self-pantsing”:  ·          A banded-bottom sweatshirt exerting force down (and in) ·          “Day before laundry day” looser elastic underwear ·          Cargo pants with “wannabe” sweat pants waistband ·          My apparent feigning sensitivity related to air on my bare flesh At this point I’d like to interject an apology to all plumbers, electricians and rappers, who I previously chided, behind their backs, for their density regarding the exposure of their backsides.  I would say, “How could they POSSIBLY NOT KNOW their butts were exposed?”   I’m a humbler person now. It all started when I felt my underwear roll down one side o...
Read more

Job Applicant Olympics

-
Image
I had a job interview yesterday.  It was mental and physical Get-A-Job Olympics.  We began with the: Job Applicant Triathlon   In retrospect, it seemed a whole lot like they were administering a psychological test. Event 1:  12-page Application Completion Those fun-loving employers set us up with a clipboard and pencil on a rickety, wheeled office chair and no table. I managed to recant my life with only one episode of writer’s cramp and one small “Hoo-Hoo-Hoo-Hoo” sound-effect when the chair moved backwards unexpectedly. Event 2:  Math Test in an 80-degree Room I haven’t had a math test since I was 16.  That fact alone made me sweat, not to mention the high room temperature.  Deductions for water requests (which I made). Event 3:   Viewing of the Corporate Video This doesn’t sound much like an event, but the office manager put the video on, left the room, but neglected to hit ‘play .’  The same video scene ran for 2 LONG minutes befo...
Read more

Ooo Eee Ooo Ah Ah…CHOO!

-
Image
I had a terrible cold for a month .  I have “Seven Dwarf” symptoms too-- Dopey, Sleepy, Sneezy and Grouchy.   I’m thinking I need Doc, but I know what she’ll say:  “It’s a Virus.”  But I’m miserable enough to risk getting the "V" word.    Nice Lady at Doctor’s Office (NLDO):  “What are your symptoms? Me :  “Green *goo* pouring out many of my orifices and the total loss of 4 of the 5 senses.” NLDO :  “Do you have a fever?” Dishonest Wench ( still me ):“Yes, 101 (always a good number to say when you’re lying about your temperature) but I took Ibuprofen so now it’s normal.” NLDO :  “When can you come in?” I’m on the schedule, but not home-free.  In years past, green *goo* (which wasn’t a lie) was the ticket to getting a prescription.  Now?  Not so easy.   Mentioning a fever, may make a bigger impression.   I’m hoping I can manage something like a friend of mine, who was bequeathed with a prescr...
Read more