Jasmine, the Canine Alarm Clock is ringing.
It doesn’t matter if she stays up all night. I could take her for a 20 mile run, she would still get up earlier than I intend to, shake her noisy collar, and clack her four sets of toenails on our hardwood floor. Even if I gave her slippers, took her collar off for the night and kept her in her kennel—she would jostle, hmpf, rattle, whine and generally make it known she is awake.
And no one hears her but me.
Why won’t she sleep in?
I have a lot of questions like this stored up. I thought—for the purposes of this Blog and for dog owners everywhere, I’d conduct an unprecedented interview with my dog:
Heidi: Good Morning, Jasmine.
Jasmine: Yes, Good morning to you as well.
Heidi: Let’s get right to it. Why won’t you sleep in?
Jasmine: Well, we dogs have heightened senses. We hear the sun starting to pop on the horizon. We are protective by nature; we sleep lightly and only try to bother you when we absolutely must for the purposes of relieving ourselves.
Heidi: You’re putting me on.
Jasmine: O.k.—it’s cause I can’t wait to see you—is that so wrong?
Heidi: Aww. I guess not. Are you a happy dog?
Jasmine: Basically yes, but since you asked…I’d like to be walked a bit more, I’ve been gaining weight.
Heidi: Nonsense. You’re in great shape.
Jasmine: You’re only saying that because you don’t like to take a lot of walks. I’ve been reading your Blog, and if you really want to lose 50 lbs. by your reunion…why don’t you try getting down on all fours and eating kibble every… single…..day out of a bowl in the laundry room? You’d be wearing belts again before you knew it.
Heidi: That’s uncalled for.
Jasmine: Maybe but…how about when you took a mmmmmwuuuuuuuumaj mjsuuuiiiiehhheyyyi
Heidi: I’m sorry we’re having some technical difficulties (maybe you’d like a bath?)
Jasmine: O.k., O.k.
Heidi: Why are you so afraid of the hose outside? Every time I turn it on, you back away and look at me like I’m “Sybil’s” mother.
Jasmine: Well, remember when I was 2 months old and I had a few accidents in my kennel? You dragged me out of the house IN the kennel…
Heidi: That was because I was afraid you’d run all over the house covered in “poo”
Jasmine: You hosed me off like a Chevy. It was COLD!
Heidi: What did you expect me to do? You were COVERED in POO?
Jasmine: I wouldn’t have jumped on you.
Heidi: I couldn’t take that chance.
Heidi: Do you have any questions for me?
Jasmine: Why do you shave your legs?
Heidi: It’s a customary American thing women do to…. Uh….so we don’t look like ….I guess I’m not sure.
Jasmine: You’d look a lot more attractive with hair on your legs.
Jasmine: Why do you wear clothes?
Heidi: Because we don’t have fur and it gets cold. PLUS—certain colors flatter your skin tone, certain pants make you look thinner, you know.
Jasmine: No. I don’t.
Heidi: Back to you. What’s up with birds?
Jasmine: Bird? Where? Where’s the bird? Here birdie, birdie.
Heidi: Exactly! You’re obsessed.
Jasmine: Have you ever eaten a bird?
Heidi: Well, yes, chicken, turkey, duck…
Jasmine: Where? Where’s the chicken, turkey, duck?? Oh. It’s the most fantastic scent in the world. I’m a bird hunter you know.
Heidi: Yes, I know. Why do you keep putting your tennis balls so far under things that I have to get them for you?
Jasmine: What’s your point?
Heidi: Wouldn’t it be simpler to keep them within reach?
Jasmine: Then you wouldn’t have to go get them.
Heidi: What’s your point?
Jasmine: I put the tennis ball under things, and you go fetch it. Don’t you get the game?
Heidi: Yeah, I get it. That’s about all the space we have here…
Jasmine: Wait a minute….how about some different dog food, maybe “Sparrow ala ..”Heidi: Times up.