Men in Wet Shorts
Oddly,
this diagnosis soothed me and I went to sleep.
Later, the next day, I attended a water aerobics class
for the first time in many months. The two
male lifeguards who were on duty that night I knew from years past. One was a college kid; another man was nearly
my age. They asked how I was doing.
“Much better, but I had some complications after my
surgery.” I said. I should have said, “Fine”, but I felt
compelled to give more details. It’s what old people do.
“Oh? What kind of
complications?”
This
was an unexpected question.
Men in wet shorts were curious about my health! A
combination of odd flattery and anxiety clouded my cerebral cortex. I was standing in the water, they were both
on deck. This is what I actually said:
“I’m
having a problem with my sphincter.”
To which both men said in unison:
“Whooooooahhh!”
Two
male acquaintances are now under the mistaken impression I was complaining
about my asshole.
“Oh, no, not that kind of sphincter…” I sputtered out,
but it was way too late for any kind of recovery. I have never spoken the word “sphincter”
before in my ENTIRE life. And now, it was
clear I couldn’t stop saying it.
“I wasn’t talking about “THAT” sphincter.” I called to them as they coiled up the swim
lanes, their eyes open wide, eyebrows raised. “I was talking about a spasming sphincter.”
“Whooooooahh!!”
“You do realize you have more than one sphincter,
right?” I called to them, this time
plowing through the water to get closer to them. By the time I got near them again, class had
started, and the lifeguard shift changed…
…and so had my social
life at the Y.
Comments
Good to see you writing!
My fave line: "you realize you have more than one sphincter, don't you?"
Oh and also:
"I felt compared to share. That's what old people do."
Bwa Ha Ha! Another one of my favorites!!
I try not to go on the Web MD type websites. Because of things like this.
I personally have used the word sphincter on a number of occasions, and I want to point out that it's quite liberating. You didn't mention that part, but I assume you now feel free to speak any word anytime anywhere because nothing beats the sphincter.
I hope you're sphincter is feeling better by now.