Thursday, July 12, 2012

Men in Wet Shorts


You can get into big trouble trying to diagnose your own ailments on the computer.  As tempting as it is, there is no substitute for a medical degree, a cold stethoscope and a scale that adds 10 lbs.  However, one night recently, I turned to the dark-side and read up on the residual pain from my gall bladder surgery.  Of all the crazy things it could be, the one I settled in on was:  A plugged, spasming bile sphincter.

Oddly, this diagnosis soothed me and I went to sleep.

Later, the next day, I attended a water aerobics class for the first time in many months.  The two male lifeguards who were on duty that night I knew from years past.  One was a college kid; another man was nearly my age.  They asked how I was doing.

“Much better, but I had some complications after my surgery.”  I said.  I should have said, “Fine”, but I felt compelled to give more details.  It’s what old people do.

“Oh?  What kind of complications?” 

This was an unexpected question.  Men in wet shorts were curious about my health!  In my mind, I was waving my hands around like the Robot on “Lost in Space” repeating, “this does not compute.”   A combination of odd flattery and anxiety clouded my cerebral cortex.  I was standing in the water, they were both on deck.  This is what I actually said:

“I’m having a problem with my sphincter.”

To which both men said in unison:

“Whooooooahhh!”

Two male acquaintances are now under the mistaken impression I was complaining about my asshole.

“Oh, no, not that kind of sphincter…” I sputtered out, but it was way too late for any kind of recovery.  I have never spoken the word “sphincter” before in my ENTIRE life.  And now, it was clear I couldn’t stop saying it. 

“I wasn’t talking about “THAT” sphincter.”  I called to them as they coiled up the swim lanes, their eyes open wide, eyebrows raised.  “I was talking about a spasming sphincter.”

“Whooooooahh!!”

“You do realize you have more than one sphincter, right?”  I called to them, this time plowing through the water to get closer to them.   By the time I got near them again, class had started, and the lifeguard shift changed…
…and so had my social life at the Y.

8 comments:

Joanne said...

Heidi! Heidi! Heidi! What can say? I think you just made my sphincter spasm! That was hilarious! Stay off the internet medical sites!
Good to see you writing!

Bagman and Butler said...

I'm spasming with laughter. That was way to funny to made up.

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

Whoahhhhhh!
My fave line: "you realize you have more than one sphincter, don't you?"
Oh and also:
"I felt compared to share. That's what old people do."
Bwa Ha Ha! Another one of my favorites!!

One Bad Pixie said...

Glad to see the post, and what a post it IS!

I try not to go on the Web MD type websites. Because of things like this.

Fragrant Liar said...

I'm pretty sure they were trying to get away cuz their own sphincters had just shrunk to the "No Entry EVER" zone.

I personally have used the word sphincter on a number of occasions, and I want to point out that it's quite liberating. You didn't mention that part, but I assume you now feel free to speak any word anytime anywhere because nothing beats the sphincter.

Nurse Mommy said...

I think I just woke up the kids! That was so funny I just blew out one of my MANY sphincters!!! OMG...seriously, Heidi...brilliant! Loved it.

Candice said...

Lmao!! You're a nut.

I hope you're sphincter is feeling better by now.

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