The Island of Misfit Christmas Treats

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Enter Heidi's House of Horrible Holiday Misfit Treats and enjoy:

Sperm Cookies
Mouse Cookies gone wrong.  Instead of darling little cookies that look like mice, a simple margarine mistake later and suddenly  little almond ears and red-hot candy noses were floating in opaque little blobs with long red licorice tails. Very unappetizing.

Molten Peanut Brittle
There is no such thing as a safe bowl or oven mitt when you’re making microwave candy. The ceremonial “Dance of the Molten Peanut Brittle” performed while removing it from the microwave is much more about pain, burns and trauma than enjoying the treat--which will break your teeth anyway.

SOS Pad Sea-foam
Only 3 ingredients in this "light as air" candy, yet with all the unwritten fussy technicalities like being quiet while standing on one foot, coaxing the sugar into submission with sweet talk, a door or sneezes could instantly de-foam the concoction and morph it into flat Brillo pads that even a dunk in chocolate cannot make taste good. 

Bird-Poop Cookies
Always DRIZZLE the white chocolate onto your chocolate cookies --never "plop and smear.” 

Skeet-Gun Ammo Cookies
Quite possibly the most labor intensive cookie ever invented are the German anise picture cookies called Springerles--a sophisticated treat. After the 2-day process, my square, concrete-like creations could pulverize clay pigeons…probably real ones too.

And just to show it's not just my christmas treats that fail...I give you my-

Graduation Cap Penises: 

To create these goodies, you need the correct sized "nib".  Use one too thick and you'll end up with tassels that looks like flaccid penises.  Hard to eat those. 



If anyone wants my recipes--let me know! ;-)

Comments

Von said…
Sperm donor cookies, they'd be a lot of people grateful for those!
November 25, 2010 at 6:18 PM
Bagman and Butler said…
Yep -- I'll take two dozen of the sperm cookies. What a hilarious blog! You could write the world's funniest cook book! Bravo.
November 30, 2010 at 1:56 PM
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