Talking Vegetable Soup (Remastered)

Recently, I wanted to make homemade vegetable soup.  While searching through my kitchen, I found a shrunken onion, a dried-out garlic bulb on the top of my stove growing green legs and a tail and a bag of slime labeled “favorite greens". 

This would not do.

My recipe called for celery.  When I reached for it on my shelf, it spoke to me:

Celery voiced by Kevin Hart:  "I know you don't expect me to be hard any more.  Damn baby.  The force was with me a week ago, but now I'm limp!  That's on you, boo.  That's on you."

Flaccid or not, Kevin, soup you will be.

Next I needed carrots from the vegetable drawer.  These 5 carrots all had yellow hair and the voices of Donald Trump:

Carrot 1:  I am the slimiest carrot in the entire world--better than any other.
Carrot 2:  This is my natural coloring, not a self-tanning product.
Carrot 3:  Do you want your pussy grabbed?
Carrot 4:  Let's make this refrigerator great again.
Carrot 5:  If you inject me with some disinfectant, I'll be healthier.

Bunch of carrots, hairy and narcissistic...in the pot!

Potatoes with eyes of fear were chopped along with dried silent ingredients.  Beans completed the dish, along with some canned tomatoes.  Not my best effort.  Screams boiled up, then quieted. 

Reanimated, talking vegetables are the main ingredient in my 2 week old food supply of neglected produce.  I've got to get better consuming fresh fruit and veggies before decay, sarcasm and madness set in.  

I reached for an apple the other day.  The apple shriveled in my hand.  It had a miserable face on it and immediately lay a guilt trip on me. "You never call me," it said in the voice of Ida Morganstern, played by Nancy Walker, "I'll just stay here and die."  



"Becky, your hair isn't that good, " said Beyonce banana, black and ready for a mash.






Comments

Anonymous said…
I cannot believe how alike we are. Seperated at birth cousins. Right now there are two drawers in my refrigerator teeming with rotten produce and I am sitting here eating a half-pint of Ben & Jerry's for dinner...
Unknown said…
Servings per container as serving size - YES!! If that is incorrect, then I , too, have going about this eating thing all wrong for the better part of my life!! Who knew you weren't supposed to have the whole jar of peanuts as a "snack"?? ROTFL!!

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