Lies my Grandma Told (Remastered)
During my first few years of life, I believed all my Grandma’s lies intended to fool me into socially acceptable behavior. Instead of just saying, "Eat your spinach!", I'd get a load of crap, gypsy-type lore warning me what would happen if I didn't eat it.
This is a reckoning, Grandma--I'm exposing the untruths!
Lie #1: "If you eat your bread crusts your hair will get curly." Nonsense. What would make me believe that? The grown ups must have given each other looks over the table, congratulating themselves in my gullibility Not cool
Lie #2: "If you swallow your gum it will get stuck in your stomach." Is my thick, middle-section the result of years of swallowing gum wads which ultimately created a gigantic stalagmite in my stomach? I think not! It’s probably not a good idea to swallow gum, just because it isn’t food. Still….. swallow your gum if you want to--it will get processed and end up in Lake Michigan.
Lie #3: "The ice cream man plays music when he’s out of ice cream." That’s just cruel.
Lie #4: "If you pick your nose, your finger will stick there." No, it won’t. In fact, your nostril is exactly the right size for your index finger to fit in and out perfectly. It doesn’t matter what size nostril you have either, because the size of your nostril directly corresponds with the size of your index finger. What’s more, there are some boogers that have to be removed via the pick-method. Nose-picking has a long evolutionary history too and has been researched thoroughly. Dr. Thomas Harrison from Harvard University, in 1987, suggests, in his paper entitled: “Nose-Picking in the Pongidae and Its Implication for Human Evolution” that evidence of such behavior goes back some 20 million years!
Lie #1: "If you eat your bread crusts your hair will get curly." Nonsense. What would make me believe that? The grown ups must have given each other looks over the table, congratulating themselves in my gullibility Not cool
Lie #2: "If you swallow your gum it will get stuck in your stomach." Is my thick, middle-section the result of years of swallowing gum wads which ultimately created a gigantic stalagmite in my stomach? I think not! It’s probably not a good idea to swallow gum, just because it isn’t food. Still….. swallow your gum if you want to--it will get processed and end up in Lake Michigan.
Lie #3: "The ice cream man plays music when he’s out of ice cream." That’s just cruel.
Lie #4: "If you pick your nose, your finger will stick there." No, it won’t. In fact, your nostril is exactly the right size for your index finger to fit in and out perfectly. It doesn’t matter what size nostril you have either, because the size of your nostril directly corresponds with the size of your index finger. What’s more, there are some boogers that have to be removed via the pick-method. Nose-picking has a long evolutionary history too and has been researched thoroughly. Dr. Thomas Harrison from Harvard University, in 1987, suggests, in his paper entitled: “Nose-Picking in the Pongidae and Its Implication for Human Evolution” that evidence of such behavior goes back some 20 million years!
Grandma, you are so busted.
Lie #5: “Better watch out, better not pout, better not cry, I’m telling you why, etc, etc.” That one totally worked--well into pre-teen years. I wanted presents.
Here’s one I’m still afraid of though:
Lie #6: "If you cross your eyes they’ll stick that way." Just in case there’s any truth in that warning, I’m not taking any chances. I’m too busy anyway, getting ice cream off the ice cream truck and swallowing big, giant pieces of gum.
Lie #5: “Better watch out, better not pout, better not cry, I’m telling you why, etc, etc.” That one totally worked--well into pre-teen years. I wanted presents.
Here’s one I’m still afraid of though:
Lie #6: "If you cross your eyes they’ll stick that way." Just in case there’s any truth in that warning, I’m not taking any chances. I’m too busy anyway, getting ice cream off the ice cream truck and swallowing big, giant pieces of gum.
I might even pick my nose too!
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