Heidi in Real Life

This is not meant to replace your annual physical, mammogram, pap-smear or prostate check. We all remember “The MOVIE” right?  They put the boys in one room, the girls in the other to teach us about the forthcoming changes in our bodies?   I suggest making one for us in 40s, so when things start changing… again …we don’t think we’re dying. Man Movie Highlights : When you reach your 40s, you’ll have new and wonderful areas of expanding skin…just above your eyebrows.  Don’t worry--the hair isn’t disappearing, it’s just moved … to inside your ears.  And hey---those new 4” long eyebrow hairs hanging down your cheek should take the focus off your shiny head.  Nature finds a way! Speaking of ears-- you're right, they actually are getting bigger.  Don’t bother your doctor--you’re not becoming a chimp--ears grow forever .  Your nose grows forever too.  In fact, in about 30 years, you and all your male friends can have an “Elmer Fudd” look-alike ...

Anyone out there who has hyperventilated blowing out trick birthday candles;  who’s had 20 friends startle you in a darkened room; or who’s been attacked by 30 pink flamingos on your front lawn— and hated every second of it —let us commiserate together. But we do like the cake and presents though.  Each year, I wish the same wish—just give me my fattening dessert and don’t involve strangers with fiendish grins.  I wish, O granter of birthday wishes, that there was a law against embarrassing birthdays, so that the next time someone slips a waiter a note about my birthday, a police officer would poof in, put them in handcuffs and force them sit on a table-side saddle in front of 150 strangers on their 40 th . Yeah!  Ride THAT cowboy! This year a friend offered to take me to lunch at my favorite Mexican restaurant on my birthday.  I accepted, but begged her— “Please don’t tell them it’s my birthday—I SERIOUSLY do not want to wear the sombrero!” But…faster th...