Heidi in Real Life

Members of my household generally agree we clean for company because we want to make our guests feel comfortable, and by comparison, our normal cleanliness level isn’t. Most days I honestly don’t see the mess. I am complacent until such time we are notified that someone is coming over. The “I-live-in-a-clean-house” drug wears off and I come out of my trance to the reality that…(gasp), I am a messy housekeeper! If you arrive unannounced at our home, you will most likely “bust” us as we truly live—as dusty oafs, sitting around in a living room of filth, dirty dishes and dog hair. You will definitely find clutter, unfolded towels in the bathroom and the toilet paper roll off its dispenser. If you’re lucky, you might even see the artwork my daughter sculpts with the nearly-dry toothpaste in the sink. If you give us notice , however, the scene is quite different. The counters will be sparkling, knickknacks dusted on the coffee table, vacuum cleaner stripes on the carpet,...

When y o u decide that bikini underwear really isn’t all that comfortable, you know you’ve crossed over. Once I chose briefs, I felt the arms of women all over the world embracing me as I grew into a new level of maturity—another consciousness. I am in a new group—the Sensible Panties Sisterhood--“High-Cut Briefer” brigade. I am reminded of the sisterhood this past week when I was doing a mountain of greasy, nasty, college male laundry. My washer and dryer were monopolized for several days and I was seeing the barren bottom of my underwear drawer while waiting to do my laundry. Way in the back, where I haven’t been in years was the last pair of clean underwear. It was the jade-green pair. The pair that is way too tight. I am embarrassed to think how old they must be. I think the reason I keep them is that they remind me of a thinner, younger me. I keep them to test how close I am to my goal weight. They are Cinderella’s glass slipper. If they fit, I will be transf...

Lunch ladies have a bad rap. Sure they look weird with their eyebrows scrunched down by the webbing of the hairnets. Sure they’re grouchy and abrasive. People don’t realize what a tough job it is to be in a cafeteria behind the scenes . To really understand a lunch lady, one has to walk in her orthopedic shoes. I have limped in those shoes. I accepted a job at our local middle school lunchroom. How hard could it be? When I showed up on my first day, I quickly assessed that I was at least 15 -25 years younger than the other employees. This was going to be no problem. Never underestimate a senior citizen wearing a hairnet. Day 1 . Lifting, moving, baking, hot pads, freezers, lifting trays, steam---Holy Crap!  Those old women can move boxes like bulls.   They never stop moving and it’s hot in the kitchen.  I was sweating down planes of my body that had never been sweat down before . The food service general issue “Lightly-Powdered Surgical Gloves” I was wore...

Yesterday, my daughter Krista said, “Mom, I just saw an ant on the floor.”  I froze. “Was it just one ant, honey, or more than one?” I asked. “There might have been two” she said.   In my experience, two ants are a plague. We have ants every year, they come out some wall in the house frenzied.  Like the queen ant said, “Run like crazy, serpentine, go in circles! I command you--Freak out the humanoid!”   When this happens, I have a total meltdown. No one else seems to be bothered by the ants like I am. I call my hero, the exterminator, to spray the interior and exterior of the house. I feel fairly safe when my perimeters are soaked with ant chemical. Inevitably, though, there are ants that are sacrificed and break through the force field and show up on the inside. I’ve tried all methods of ant termination. It’s useless really, since our entire neighborhood is one giant ant hill. I’ve tried ant goo, which you squeeze on a tiny piece of cardboard. T...