Heidi in Real Life

I hardly ever do this...but...does this fur coat make me look fat? HELLO?! HELLO??? That's all Dr. Phil's rep says when I call to describe my friend's problem. It's like they can't even hear me. I enjoy the fact that "rabbit trailing" is an insult used by "suits" to make fun of those off-topic. MY trails ARE the topic I don't think sitting stone still and looking casual is fooling anyone. "Ding Dong the Falcon is Dead" is a song I hum when I'm happy. The problem with eating tulips is that you just can't stop at one. I would like to propose that Dust Bunnies be called Dust Raccoons Everyone I know is sleeping, yet I am wide awake, staring at a starry night. I think I'll write my name in paw prints. A deer told me my butt was fluffy, so I opened a can of 'whoop ass' (which in my case entailed staring intensely and thinking evil thoughts) Suckling an icicle like a gerbil's water dispenser. Long winters ...

I've never been that person in the gym locker who walks around nude.  In our gym locker room, I am often called upon to talk to women who do walk around nude.   Somehow,  they don’t seem to care that something (a lot, actually) is off.   I’m no prude .   I’ve had plenty of pleasurable private naked historic events, but none of them ever involved yappy senior female nudists.   Maybe it’s just me, but if you’re going to enter my personal space-bubble unclothed -- let's at least agree to coffee later.  Here’s my personal decree:   If you’re naked in the locker room and you want to talk to me, I’ll be able to pay attention to you for approximately 2 nanoseconds.   After that, my brain starts sending a million ADHD-fueled conflicting signals and then H eidi has left the building .   If you really want to talk to me, unless it’s about danger or a spider is about to drop on me-- can’t I just meet you in the lobby? “What do you think ...