It was a “Perfect Storm” when it came to conditions of my “self-pantsing”:
· A banded-bottom sweatshirt exerting force down (and in)
· “Day before laundry day” looser elastic underwear
· Cargo pants with “wannabe” sweat pants waistband
· My apparent feigning sensitivity related to air on my bare flesh
At this point I’d like to interject an apology to all plumbers, electricians and rappers, who I previously chided, behind their backs, for their density regarding the exposure of their backsides. I would say, “How could they POSSIBLY NOT KNOW their butts were exposed?” Even my husband, Fred, deserves an apology for the numerous times I’ve said (and meant), “Crack kills” when he was bent over.
I’m a humbler person now.
It all stated when I felt my underwear roll down one side off my hip while walking in a store. When it became distractingly uncomfortable, and I couldn’t stand it another second, I said to my friend:
“I’m having an underwear emergency” and I left her puzzling with my cart and purse.
5 paces toward the restroom, the final lip of underwear rolled off the other hip and hung low on both sides, supported only by my inseam--an incredibly awkward feeling.
10 paces later, I felt cold… colder than maybe I should have felt minus only a thin layer of cotton. 5 more paces, I reached down and realized that not only had my underwear rolled down…but they took my PANTS WITH THEM!
I was bare-assed in the grocery store! And I didn’t even know it.
It probably took just seconds to pull everything up again, but it happened in slow motion, just like in the movies. The only other time (aside from that mooning incident in college) my butt has been viewed by strangers was in a delivery/examining room. At last in the store restroom, I comforted myself. Probably no one saw, I thought, rocking myself in the fetal position.
It could have been worse. I could have fallen. Some Samaritan would say, “Do you need help?” then, “Holy Mother! Why are you naked?” Followed closely by an announcement, breaking up the England Dan and John Ford Coley medley over the loud-speaker:
“Stock person report to Aisle 2 with a tarp. And dark glasses.”
My friend cheered me up on the way home by giving me clever suggestions for potential Hallmark cards related to a “Pants Fell Down” category:
· Sorry to hear you’re “Down in the Pants”
· Got Caught with your Pants Down? (inside) It could happen to any 3 year old.
· Happy Birthday …Suit
I explained the incident to Fred when I got home, and he said (and in the immortal words of Dave Barry…”I’m not making this up.”):
“Do you think there’s something wrong with you?”