Heidi in Real Life

Enter Heidi's House of Horrible Holiday Misfit Treats and enjoy: Sperm Cookies Mouse Cookies gone wrong .  Instead of darling little cookies that look like mice, a simple margarine mistake later and suddenly  little almond ears and red-hot candy noses were floating in opaque little blobs with long red licorice tails. Very unappetizing. Molten Peanut Brittle There is no such thing as a safe bowl or oven mitt when you’re making microwave candy. The ceremonial “Dance of the Molten Peanut Brittle” performed while removing it from the microwave is much more about pain, burns and trauma than enjoying the treat--which will break your teeth anyway. SOS Pad Sea-foam Only 3 ingredients in this "light as air" candy, yet with all the unwritten fussy technicalities like being quiet while standing on one foot, coaxing the sugar into submission with sweet talk, a door or sneezes could instantly de-foam the concoction and morph it into flat Brillo pads that even a dunk in chocolate ...

The skies were bright yesterday in Heartland.  Warm air filled my lungs, caffeine buzzed in my brain and my thoughts were clear and determined as I walked into the building to vote. Until someone said, “Here’s your ballot, Sir .” Granted, the man behind the table was 100 years old, with lenses as thick as glass block, but sheesh, what an insult!  Out of the corner of my eye, I saw his table-mate elbow him--a spring chicken compared to Mr. Magoo’s grandfather who wronged me--but it was too late.  Damage done.   So it's no wonder I was miffed by the time I read the following referendum: Should the Wisconsin Constitution be amended to prohibit any further transfers or lapses from the segregated transportation fund?” WHAT?? I am a writer, and a grumpy one now, so all I want to do is edit this confusing nonsense.  Here’s my Heidi version:   Do you want to change the Wisconsin Constitution to prevent politicians from robbing Pet...