Heidi in Real Life

When I’m on food restriction, food is all I can think about. Now I’m counting calories, sadly chomping vegetables I do not like, and guarding my stash of “allowable food items” like a lioness hoards her kill. “Back off!” I hiss; yellow eyes burning. My stomach was making angry-volcano rumblings last night. “Feed me!” it roared, as Audrey II in “Little Shop of Horrors.” I sat straight up in bed —I can have air popcorn! The moment the dry, fluffy, puffy stuff came tumbling out of the popper, I grabbed a fist -full and pushed it in my mouth frantically. And I bit own my finger…hard. As my finger throbbed, and I felt faint from the pain—a couple of thoughts stood out: That I have the jaws of a Kodiak bear Air popcorn tastes like electricity There really should be a sleep-over camp for people just starting a diet.  A get-away from temptation.  Or maybe a hotel called “The ‘No-More’ Suites” : There, hungry, grumpy people could be housed until Day 4, when th...

While in a dimly-lit parking lot the other night, my daughter Krista screams, “Mom, it’s a Porcupine!!” We drove over to get a closer look. Porcupines are not uncommon in our part of Wisconsin (although I’ve never seen one out in the winter). “No, it’s just a dirty little snow-pile off someone’s car,” I said, amused. Snow Porcupines may not be the exact technical term for those “Dirty Packages” of snow that accumulate right behind your tires and are EVERYWHERE now. Following a cruel cold, the slightly warmer temperatures create a short Snow Porcupine season, when every car and truck has multiple “creatures” to drop. Driving is hazardous as cars embarrassingly and unexpectedly release their animals in streets and on highways. They come in two species: “Mushy” Snow Porcupines – which cause your car to skid, but then might be crushed flat, or... “Rock” Snow Porcupines –Essentially solid ice and will mess you and your car’s suspension up . They can ricochet of...

I 'm getting ready for the ball--the exercise ball.  I'm trying to burn a few extra calories in my sedentary life. Sitting on an Exer-Ball at my desk will accomplish this goal while I do my work.   Right? Of the many things heavy people have to consider: How wide are the dining booths at the restaurant--do I need a table? Is the toilet seat screwed on tightly so it doesn't shift when I sit on it? I add to this list: Is my Exer-ball plug secure? The pressure required to pop the plug, I'm quite certain, must be equal to my weight times the force it's exerting on the ball's now straining weak spots.  A story problem from Hell.   H x F = Ker-plow! I will tape the plug with duct tape, just for some reassurance.  I will likely hear if a problem starts--the ripping of the tape perhaps, or some sideways hiss.  I'm starting to wish it had a handle like a Hippitty-Hop, for something to hold onto to if it starts to...