Heidi in Real Life

My fri end and I usually take turns sitting with each others dogs when we go on vacations. Bear is Jasmine’s BFF.    Once, when caring for my dog, my friend taught her to “drop” and give up her “booty” Now--no matter where she is, or what’s in h er mouth, if you even whisper the word, “Drop,” Jasmine opens her mouth, spits it out imm ediately, looks at you and says: “There---it’s OUT. Happy?” I am not skilled enough to teach Bear tricks, but last spring, when we had her for a week, I documented her diary: Bear's Sp ring Break:   Vegas this Ain't Hello Family! Having a great time—wish you were here! No-really, I wish you we re here. Although Jasmine’s family is providing a fun-filled vacation for me complete with DELICIOUS PUPPY FOOD (which is WAY better than that “Club” Lamb and Rice crap you buy me, FYI), and entertainment in the form of a constantly “up”, hyper dog who, in my opinion needs to be MEDICA TED, I miss you. Bringi...

Recently, I wanted to make homemade vegetable soup.  While searching through my kitchen, I found a shrunken onion, a dried-out garlic bulb on the top of my stove growing green legs and a tail and a bag of slime labeled “favorite greens".  This would not do. My recipe called for celery.  When I reached for it on my shelf, it spoke to me: Celery voiced by Kevin Hart:  "I know you don't expect me to be hard any more.  Damn baby.  The force was with me a week ago, but now I'm limp!  That's on you, boo.  That's on you." Flaccid or not, Kevin, soup you will be. Next I needed carrots from the vegetable drawer.  These 5 carrots all had yellow hair and the voices of Donald Trump: Carrot 1:  I am the slimiest carrot in the entire world--better than any other. Carrot 2:  This is my natural coloring, not a self-tanning product. Carrot 3:  Do you want your pussy grabbed? Carrot 4:  Let's make this refrigerator great aga...