Heidi in Real Life

My friend, Karen, had the nerve to put in a backyard pool with no ladder or steps.   The s ides w ere too high for me to get good elbow leverage. I “ali-ooped” my daughter out on my shoulder a few minutes prior and witnessed my friend launch herself out of the water like an elephant seal (sorry, Karen) which made us laugh hysterically.  “Oh my God. How am I going to get out of here? ” I quickly brainstormed putting on high-heeled water shoes or getting myself up on a raft and then rolling over on their deck. Now…. “Oh my God. I’m next.” I tried to jump up and lift myself out of the pool. Nope. Tried again. Nope. Started laughing, which rendered my muscles weak. Tried again. Nope. “Is she going to live in our pool?” my friend’s 5- year-old said. “I’ll bring you a chair” Karen suggested. She fetched a green plastic lawn chair which was light and floaty.  She jumped back in to help me hold it under water. As I stepped on the ch...

I spent an afternoon with my family at the zoo while on vacation. It was so hot. Looking around it would seem the animals were also feeling the heat. Their way of coping was to …lie down and do absolutely nothing . I can totally relate to these animals.   I completely understand their need to remain motionless. BUT...I paid to see them and I want to see some animals looking alive! In addition to the comatose animals that are visible, there are many more animals you simply can’t see due to the arrangement of their habitat. I long for the zoo animals of my childhood that were in your face and doing stuff year round. Is it SO wrong for me to miss those days? I remember Bongo the mountain gorilla, swinging on tires and throwing things in the air, indoor elephants and polar bears diving and retrieving things for fish. I’m not at all advocating animal cruelty or abuse---I’m just saying…. I miss seeing zoo animals actually moving. The zoo we visited has...

During my first few years of life, I believed all my Grandma’s lies intended to fool me into socially acceptable behavior.  Instead of just saying, "Eat your spinach!", I'd get a load of crap, gypsy-type lore warning me what would happen if I didn't eat it.   This is a reckoning, Grandma--I'm exposing the untruths! Lie #1: "If you eat your bread crusts your hair will get curly."   Nonsense. What would make me believe that?  The grown ups must have given each other looks over the table, congratulating themselves in my gullibility   Not cool   Lie #2: "If you swallow your gum it will get stuck in your stomach."   Is my thick, middle-section the result of years of swallowing gum wads which ultimately created a gigantic stalagmite in my stomach? I think not! It’s probably not a good idea to swallow gum, just because it isn’t food. Still….. swallow your gum if you want to--it will get processed and end up in Lake Michigan. Lie...

In preparation for a reunion I’ve decided to go to, I’ve been refreshing my memory of names with faces. I own two different high school yearbooks which are strewn on the floor near my computer for quick reference. “What does KIT mean?” asks my daughter, holding my senior yearbook. “ Keep in Touch .” I say. “What about RMA?” she asks, pointing. “That’s Remember Me Always .” I answer KIT and RMA were “great-grandmothers” to the more modern OMG and LMAO. We were WAY ahead of our time. “What about SEXY?” “ WHAT ?? ” In a milli-second, I rapidly flash back to all the autographs, forget-me-nots, comments and notes that were written in my two books. Not knowing for sure how many things she read before she asked me a question, I say: “I need to look at that, dear.” Mother has some damage control to do . I see what she meant. Someone had written: “If you read Gertrude’s yearbook- I am just kidding about what I wrote. We all think you look ...