Heidi in Real Life

CHING, CHING, CHING, CHING, chingcingchingching, shimmy, chingcingchingcing. Click,click,click,click…click,click,click,click Jasmine, the Canine Alarm Clock is ringing. It doesn’t matter if she stays up all night. I could take her for a 20 mile run, she would still get up earlier than I intend to, shake her noisy collar, and clack her four sets of toenails on our hardwood floor. Even if I gave her slippers, took her collar off for the night and kept her in her kennel—she would jostle, hmpf, rattle, whine and generally make it known she is awake. And no one hears her but me. Why won’t she sleep in? I have a lot of questions like this stored up. I thought—for the purposes of this Blog and for dog owners everywhere, I’d conduct an unprecedented interview with my dog: Heidi: Good Morning, Jasmine. Jasmine : Yes, Good morning to you as well. Heidi: Let’s get right to it. Why won’t you sleep in? Jasmine : Well, we dogs have heightened senses. We h...

All women know if you hold in a fart long enough, it goes into an appointed fart-holding area; a special female-fold in our colons. It waits there until the coast is clear, when you’re perfectly private and you’re perfectly alone. Then…on your command only….blastoff.   NEVER in all my years in school did I ever even THINK of squeaking a noisy fart out—not at recess, not in the locker room, not even in the high school bathroom with the burn-outs. The potentially disastrous impact on my vulnerable social life wouldn’t allow it. No girl I knew ever did. We have trained ourselves to manipulate the air …just so… to be absolutely certain that in case of an emergency, we could slip it out silently. It’s not something we’re taught—it is instinct. And… this goes DOUBLE for dating and/or wooing a boyfriend---no gas—EVER!! I’m sure there are men out there that hold it in and pass it out silently too. But the consequences of noisy-release aren’t as severe. You might hear some snickers,...