Heidi in Real Life

As I entered, the "Victora's Secret" store at the mall, the eyes of the woman on the window poster looked sideways at me, like some portrait in a haunted mansion. Inside, images of shapely women in underwear made me feel like maybe I was in the wrong place.  I appear to have the same anatomical parts, but someone stepped on mine and yanked them down like a window shade.  None of the models look very happy.   My daughter once asked, “Why aren’t they smiling?” “They’re hungry, dear.  And  cold .” “Do you have anything that will fit me?”  I asked a skinny clerk.  All I wanted was something new to wear to sleep in instead of baggy shirts and pajama pants. Is there such a store as “Bertha’s Secret” ? I wondered, where "weathered" women go? “You could try the clearance rack,” she offered, stiffly.  The clearance rack is where they send freaks like me, to scrounge around for factory misfits.   I can hear it now... “Hey, let’s get a...

Training a teenager to drive is on my “Top Ten List” of worst experiences of my entire life.  My friend recently told me that her daughter, nearly 15, will be taking Driver’s Education classes this summer.  I laughed... and then my facial tick came back. “We’ve taken her out a few times already,” my friend reported, “and she does pretty well." “You’re fooling yourself.” I told her, “Wait till you get her on a highway.” David, my oldest son, led me to believe he had experience several years ago because he practiced with his father.  “Okay, let’s take a ride,” I said. Apparently, Dad had forgotten the “Put Your Foot on the Brake When Making a Turn” lesson.  During our first donut my hair turned snow white.  After the last complete revolution I was tensed up so far into the fetal-position I could have fit into a 12” box. “STOP!!!!!” I screamed, white hair flying. The gravel and dust cloud he created has finally subsided somewhere over the ...