A Salesman Named Weasel

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I love to buy stuff--gifts for my family, friends for me.  I loathe being sold something.  A friend told me you need to be an asshole to buy/lease a car these days.  My DNA is not programmed for purposeful ass-hole-ness—I am terminally, exhaustingly polite.  

I went for a test drive, and I said, “Let’s talk numbers,” the sales associate, now an owl, hooted and turned her head 360 degrees.

I was the owl’s prisoner.  My car keys were taken right away for trade-in evaluation, so I could not leave.  Trapped, I sat, and she kept hopping off to chat with the general manager. I started to rock and found my nearest exit (which was behind me). 

It was like the time-share presentation in Cancun on my honeymoon:

“No.  No.  We are on our honeymoon.  No, thank you”

“I have a better offer,”  sales guy leaves.  A new, well-rested, unbroken, aggressive fresh horse trots in, determined to get our money, toss-tossing his mane.  

“Here,” saleslady/owl places a paper in front of me with the numbers for a lease.  “This is our best deal,”  she said, flatly.

“I want to know what you will give me for my trade-in,”  I sputtered, cowed before her now pissed-off look.  She again leaves to negotiate with her general manager. 

“We can take your car off you tonight and give you a loaner until the car you want comes in.” 

Never since my ex suggested a throuple have I felt so, so pressured, so ick.  She did not like my “Oh, No!” either.

“But what are you giving me for my car?” I said.  Oh—that was bitchy, I thought, but in reality it still came out meekly like a high-pitched yip.

Back she flew, better offer laid in front of me and she squawked, “Let’s do business!”  

The last time I felt like THIS, I was being fat-shamed by a health club trainer trying to sell me private coaching.   

“I want my car keys, please.”

“ Wait. You seem upset.”

Hurriedly walking out, the manager ran after me, pleading that I deal with him instead.  He handed me his business card-- and I am not making this up--and it said,  “Jim Weasel.” 


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