Prepare Ye!!: Handbook for the DJ (Death Jockey)

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Unplanned funerals suck.  Don’t blame the dead.  You, as the “still alive” need to prepare a suitable event …and they don’t just plan themselves.  Not unlike a wedding, you need a service complete with DJ (Death Jockey), food, and a venue.   Leaving things to chance or trusting friends and relatives will be the death of YOU!  

Funeral Parlors do services all the time.  When you just “can’t”, let the professionals handle it.  These days, there are lots of options--forests, boats, even restaurants.  Funerals are for the living, so if you want a religious element, for God’s sakes, audition the clergy.  The pastor who did my mother’s funeral didn’t take very good notes, and on the day of, said her name wrong and made her sound like a very unfulfilled comptometer operator.  The minister at my father’s service, dressed in a cloak and hat-- a bit like Professor Snape. 

At my friend’s recent funeral, at a restaurant, her sister-in-law asked the 20 or so of us, “Does anyone want to say something about Amy?” 

This is the moment everyone dreads. An unplanned and unrehearsed moment--absolute silence ensued.  Everyone looked at their shoes.  I knew I had to stand, but all at once, I was bare-naked in a grocery store, trying to hide.  My ears burst into flames and every cell in my body turned cold and stiff.  I stood, shook and said my words lightening fast.  I quickly sat down.

“Marlene, you have something to say, don’t you?”  God.  Time to single out people. 

Marlene shook her head and pursed her lips. 

“She had an annoying laugh,” one of her cousins blurted out—awkward laughter bubbled up.  Nice one, asshat. 

My daughter and I left thinking that this was not the send-off Amy deserved.  In fact, if she were hanging around to hear it (spiritually speaking), she’d have been shaking her head, crossing people off her Christmas card list.

Like any event—funerals take thought.    Share a picture, a hand-puppet, a shadow-box, or a sing-a-long if you don’t want to stand up and talk.  If you want to say something, try to leave out the cliches.  For example, saying your person is  now “Pushing up Daisies” invokes an image.  Same holds true for “kicking the bucket” which sounds like a line from Looney Tunes...doc.

Plan a nice service for your person (or even yourself).  Just don't put Marlene on the spot.


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