Big Girls Don't Pee in Cups

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Not well anyway.

Ahead of a recent physical a sadistic nurse handed me a teeny--tiny bathroom cup and asked me to fill it to a very high line. The cup laughed at me. If it were a Dixie Riddle Cup, it would have read:

“What has 2 legs and a wet hand?”

“A big girl getting a urine sample.”

Alas, peeing in a tiny vessel is not something I think to practice before the annual performance. Not since my early childhood gym days have I felt as ill-prepared for a physical feat. As I once heard children taunting my feeble attempt to crab-walk, I now feel “nursey” rolling her eyes, daring me, yet expecting me to fail (and to make a mess).

Nurses, medical assistants, drug-screen enforcers! Please don’t hand me a chalice so small it disappears in my undercarriage. One so small, I feel like the Friendly Giant holding it in a comically massive hand. So small, that having to blindly assess where the next burst of pee will occur (and capture it) is a big girl’s worst nightmare (followed closely by narrow restaurant booths).

Naturally, the anticipation of peeing on your own hand doesn’t exactly hasten the flow. Suddenly, I’m a desert and my bladder is playing a cruel game with me--first recoiling up into my spine, then blasting a 3 nanosecond steam that is impossible to meet anywhere but with my wrist. Over and over again, this happens until I’m sweating and wild. Toes are tapping outside and “Are you O.K.?” sails under the door crack.

“Yes, I’m fine!” I shout, but the distraction tricks my bladder into releasing its entire contents suddenly. I shift the cup like a race car driver, back and forth, hoping to catch a spoonful so I don’t have to repeat this upsetting ordeal.

I am here to report that I did it, but not without consequence. Doctor’s office bathrooms are ill-equipped to deal with big-girl catastrophes. A chemical shower with a wire brush would not have made me feel clean.

I was an animal.

Next time I’m bringing a urine-catcher I found in a pet store. I think I’ll return the full-cup using the extendable handle proudly.



Comments

English Rider said…
Having had an extremely hairy collie dog with a urine infection and being told to catch a sample rings a lot of parallels with your story; although getting to a female dog quickly enough and low enough, when she squats and carrying a warm, wet plastic container on the remainder of the walk; for the rest of the neighborhood to see, might make you feel less alone.
December 10, 2018 at 1:53 PM
Unknown said…
You’re awesome 😂
December 10, 2018 at 3:09 PM
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