Wedding Never-Dos

Because I have a lot of experience in what not to do--Here come the wedding “I never-dos”:

1. Brides--Never, EVER pretend to throw the bouquet.

I was 20 the first time I tried to catch a bouquet. I was at a wedding reception with my then boyfriend. The bride positioned herself at the top of a hill, to toss the flowers backwards. Just as she made a motion to throw, I, alone, charged for it, head down like a crazed ram. I tripped, fell face down and when I raised my head up from the grass, I saw my boyfriend looking horrified, with several men slapping him on the back and laughing.  The bride had only pretended to throw the bouquet.

After all these years, I still want to punch her face in.


2. Never allow yourself to be photographed doing the “Chicken Dance.”

I was having a very good time at 2nd my wedding. Such a good time, I didn’t realize that my new uncle-in-law had turned the his camcorder on me until we were at a post-wedding gathering at the Eagles Club 2 weeks later.

I looked up from a conversation to see myself flapping and making “talkie-crab hands” on 5 giant T.V. screens. 

Don’t even get me started on the “Hokey Pokey” clip.

3. Unless you want exploding boutonnieres roses, never order from “Discount Flowers.”

I ordered peach roses for my bouquet and the men’s boutonnieres from a cheap florist. We were outside only 10 minutes before the temperature change caused the cold flowers, pinned to the men, to explode. We’re talking Morticia Addams-like beheaded flowers. Petal-less stems. “Anti-Boutonnieres.”

4. Make sure your wedding photographer doesn’t have a brain tumor.

We took requests for extra picture copies back to our wedding photographer—who had a complete personality change and didn’t know who we were. I described us, “The Frazers. You know, exploding flowers, white nightmare “Chicken Dance”, super-model foreign exchange student?” But still, “No. Sorry.”

“What are you talking about you don’t remember—don’t you keep records?”

“I had a brain tumor removed memories are lost,” she eventually stammered. She might be able to locate the negatives… but then she asked me who I was again.

5. Never acknowledge it was your kid who took all the cheese cubes off the ice sculpture table.

Well, obviously.

Comments

Mike said…
A failed wedding photographer is a failed wedding.
Jemi Fraser said…
Yikes! I've never heard of exploding flowers before!!! Hopefully the weddings coming up are disaster free! :)
I could totally see you doing the chicken dance. And we've never even met in person before. Such is the power of your writing.
Cheeseboy said…
So stinkin' funny! The brain tumor thing seriously happened to you? Crazy!

I'm your newest follower. Hope to read many more hilarious posts.

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