The "NO-More" Suites



When I’m on food restriction, food is all I can think about. Now I’m counting calories, sadly chomping vegetables I do not like, and guarding my stash of “allowable food items” like a lioness hoards her kill.

“Back off!” I hiss; yellow eyes burning.

My stomach was making angry-volcano rumblings last night. “Feed me!” it roared, as Audrey II in “Little Shop of Horrors.” I sat straight up in bed —I can have air popcorn! The moment the dry, fluffy, puffy stuff came tumbling out of the popper, I grabbed a fist -full and pushed it in my mouth frantically. And I bit own my finger…hard.

As my finger throbbed, and I felt faint from the pain—a couple of thoughts stood out:
  • That I have the jaws of a Kodiak bear
  • Air popcorn tastes like electricity
There really should be a sleep-over camp for people just starting a diet.  A get-away from temptation.  Or maybe a hotel called “The ‘No-More’ Suites” :
  • There, hungry, grumpy people could be housed until Day 4, when the cravings subside and we stop clenching our fists, rocking back and forth murmuring, “French Bread” and chewing in our sleep. 
  • There, T.V. stations would be censored to exclude all mention of ice cream, hot-wings and juicy, gigantic burgers. Rooms would have thick walls to drown out the wails of guests who accidentally received a free pizza coupon under their door.
Once I check out of “The 'No-More' Suites”, I should able to control my mouth and eat properly without all those cravings. 

And my family can stop locking their doors at night.

Unless, of course, there’s a Kentucky Fried Chicken/Taco Bell combo mini-restaurant around the corner from the hotel…


Oh, that sounds so good.

Comments

Elista Krista said…
wheres your CANDY STASH?
ANOTHER coffee spitter, dearie! "I taste pretty good."
hahahah!
Off the charts funny. Are you doing south beach? I really recommend it, love it.
Lately when I have bad luck or feel crabby, I just think "at least I'll get a post outta this."
:)
topher said…
Sugar is the hardest drug I've ever tried...key word tried...to quit.

Popular posts from this blog

Did you SEE that Half-Naked Woman in the Bakery Aisle?

Job Applicant Olympics

Ooo Eee Ooo Ah Ah…CHOO!