tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10227254065319265112024-03-10T04:31:19.072-04:00Heidi in Real LifeHumor column for the masses, written, without benefit of pay, by a quirky chocolate-lover who rides mall massage chairs and cracks toilet seats.Heidi-"Heidi in Real Life"http://www.blogger.com/profile/01765631003765541364noreply@blogger.comBlogger59125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1022725406531926511.post-80341557636758298382019-04-03T13:58:00.003-04:002020-12-03T10:17:43.559-05:00A Third Elephant’s Tale<br />
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<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;">While waiting to board my recent flight, I sat amazed by the
number of passenger classifications who were welcomed onto the plane before me.
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>By the time they got to calling the Basic
Economy group, I got a sense of what the Steerage class must have felt like on
the “Titanic”. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;">“Sapphire Perks Members! Come on down! May we rub special
lotion on your dry, back skin?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;">“Knights of Serbia, enter!” called the flight crew in unison,
holding up the heart-sign with their hands.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;">“Emotional support animals?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>COME!” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;">“Bueller?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;">The airline kisses up to its elite customers, thanking them
way too many times for flying with them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I watched a flight attendant divide the entrance way into 2 separate
lanes, so that the special passengers could walk down a special path and not
co-mingle with a line meant only for substandard customers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Was the carpet puffier on that side of the room?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I’ll
never know. <o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-tm9VHn_XrMY/XKT0G6i4kBI/AAAAAAAAAy4/ysgErIgB2ogYZv3WEC7Gy2nu7p1nXuVrwCLcBGAs/s1600/noahsark.jpg" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><img border="0" data-original-height="880" data-original-width="1600" height="175" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-tm9VHn_XrMY/XKT0G6i4kBI/AAAAAAAAAy4/ysgErIgB2ogYZv3WEC7Gy2nu7p1nXuVrwCLcBGAs/s320/noahsark.jpg" width="320" /></span></a><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;">“Who wants to sit on the plane longer than you have to?” I
reasoned.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But still, I felt pouty and
unappreciated. By the time I got to my seat, the plane would already be yellow
from exhales.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Watching dogs, cats and birds
walk on ahead of me made me feel like I was standing in mud being forced to bow
down to a medieval lord’s pampered pet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I was on the outside of a crowded, hip restaurant making nose-prints on
their window.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was a third elephant
watching Noah bring everyone one else up the ramp two by two.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;">But, I really don't fly that often. Maybe that's why they give perks to frequent fliers.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;">Never mind. </span></div>
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<br />Heidi-"Heidi in Real Life"http://www.blogger.com/profile/01765631003765541364noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1022725406531926511.post-65875470671381916642019-02-20T15:24:00.003-05:002020-12-03T10:41:06.507-05:00Bigamists, Bearded Women and Hairy Beasts: Welcome to My Family Tree<span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">I always knew I was different. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Thanks to my brother’s research on Ancestry.com, I know why. Springing from closets, slithering out of old books and pictures, arising from graveyards across the 7 seas, my relatives have been creeping their way into my life. I’m fascinated—<i>and terrified</i>. </span><br />
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<br />I can be really clumsy. Could that be a gift I inherited from great-grand pappy “Trips in Front of a Train?” How about my crooked lower incisors? Yarns have been spun about Great Aunt Mill’s oral self-care. So objectionable were her rotten teeth, she pulled them out herself with a pair of pliers. I’ve always had untamable eyebrows. It makes perfect sense now that I’ve met Uncle Canis lupin. <br /><br /><i>Of course the odd ones stand out.</i> <br /><br />My grandma once told me about her Aunt Amelia who was nervous and fuzzy. Today I would have asked her a LOT of questions, but as a youngster, I just sat mute. I have ever since been hyper-vigilant for signs of either trait. <br /><br />I wonder what they would think of me--the child of their combined…<i>combining</i>. <br /><br />Would they look me up and down and remark: </span><br />
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<li><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">“Thou art so fleshy! Art thou our Queen?”</span></li>
<li><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">“(Crosses themselves)—WITCH! No woman is that tall!”</span></li>
<li><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">“Thou hair color is false. WITCH!” </span></li>
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<i>Although I hope they wouldn’t be all judgy like that. </i><br /><br />One thing I’ve learned, though, is they’re in no position to point their boney fingers at me. Great-Grandpa Bigamists 1 and 2-- don’t hide behind those tombstones, I see you! And thanks for all the step cousins with attitudes. <br /><br />Thinking about this recently, I remembered I do the “Live long and Prosper” Dr. Spock hand-signal. I hope that means I’m part Vulcan—that would be really cool. <br /><br />Thanks, Ancestry.com</span></div>
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Heidi-"Heidi in Real Life"http://www.blogger.com/profile/01765631003765541364noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1022725406531926511.post-27361337891838351002018-12-07T11:27:00.001-05:002020-12-02T13:55:01.295-05:00Big Girls Don't Pee in Cups<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-qX7fx_S-Pwg/XAqev81AuDI/AAAAAAAAAvU/MBUIJBBoEPgbqLF50H3G_Hyf4y0vkw0EwCEwYBhgL/s1600/dixie%2Briddle%2Bcup.jpg" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1536" data-original-width="1019" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-qX7fx_S-Pwg/XAqev81AuDI/AAAAAAAAAvU/MBUIJBBoEPgbqLF50H3G_Hyf4y0vkw0EwCEwYBhgL/s320/dixie%2Briddle%2Bcup.jpg" width="212" /></a></div>
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><i>Not well anyway. </i><br /><br />Ahead of a recent physical a sadistic nurse handed me a teeny--tiny bathroom cup and asked me to fill it to a very high line. The cup laughed at me. If it were a Dixie Riddle Cup, it would have read: <br /><br /><b>“What has 2 legs and a wet hand?” <br /><br />“A big girl getting a urine sample.” </b><br /><br />Alas, peeing in a tiny vessel is not something I think to practice before the annual performance. Not since my early childhood gym days have I felt as ill-prepared for a physical feat. As I once heard children taunting my feeble attempt to crab-walk, I now feel “nursey” rolling her eyes, daring me, yet expecting me to fail (and to make a mess). <br /><br />Nurses, medical assistants, drug-screen enforcers! Please don’t hand me a chalice so small it disappears in my undercarriage. One so small, I feel like the Friendly Giant holding it in a comically massive hand. So small, that having to blindly assess where the next burst of pee will occur (and capture it) is a big girl’s worst nightmare (followed closely by narrow restaurant booths). <br /><br />Naturally, the anticipation of peeing on your own hand doesn’t exactly hasten the flow. Suddenly, I’m a desert and my bladder is playing a cruel game with me--first recoiling up into my spine, then blasting a 3 nanosecond steam that is impossible to meet anywhere but with my wrist. Over and over again, this happens until I’m sweating and wild. Toes are tapping outside and “Are you O.K.?” sails under the door crack. <br /><br />“Yes, I’m fine!” I shout, but the distraction tricks my bladder into releasing its entire contents suddenly. I shift the cup like a race car driver, back and forth, hoping to catch a spoonful so I don’t have to repeat this upsetting ordeal. <br /><br />I am here to report that I did it, but not without consequence. Doctor’s office bathrooms are ill-equipped to deal with big-girl catastrophes. A chemical shower with a wire brush would not have made me feel clean. <br /><br />I was an animal. <br /><br />Next time I’m bringing a urine-catcher I found in a pet store. I think I’ll return the full-cup using the extendable handle proudly. </span><div>
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Heidi-"Heidi in Real Life"http://www.blogger.com/profile/01765631003765541364noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1022725406531926511.post-62893678988636702332012-07-12T23:01:00.001-04:002020-12-03T10:43:01.058-05:00Men in Wet Shorts<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-K_b50ZdTGvY/XBKbQp2-yfI/AAAAAAAAAwA/FJMxW1mS0sciJLmQbvakAhP5y8zTdtqYACLcBGAs/s1600/hasselhoff.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="251" data-original-width="201" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-K_b50ZdTGvY/XBKbQp2-yfI/AAAAAAAAAwA/FJMxW1mS0sciJLmQbvakAhP5y8zTdtqYACLcBGAs/s320/hasselhoff.jpg" width="256" /></a></div>
<span face=""arial" , "sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">You can get into big trouble trying to diagnose your own
ailments on the computer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As tempting as
it is, there is no substitute for a medical degree, a cold stethoscope and a
scale that adds 10 lbs. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However, one
night recently, I turned to the dark-side and read up on the residual pain from
my gall bladder surgery.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Of all the
crazy things it <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">could</i> be, the one I
settled in on was:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">A plugged, spasming bile sphincter.<b><o:p></o:p></b></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span face=""arial" , "sans-serif"" style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Oddly,</span></i><span face=""arial" , "sans-serif"" style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">
this diagnosis soothed me and I went to sleep.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span face=""arial" , "sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Later, the next day, I attended a water aerobics class
for the first time in many months.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The two
male lifeguards who were on duty that night I knew from years past.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One was a college kid; another man was nearly
my age.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They asked how I was doing.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span face=""arial" , "sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Much better, but I had some complications after my
surgery.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I said.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I should have said, “Fine”, but I felt
compelled to give more details.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">It’s what old people do.</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span face=""arial" , "sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Oh?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What kind of
complications?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span face=""arial" , "sans-serif"" style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">This
was an unexpected question</span></i><span face=""arial" , "sans-serif"" style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Men in wet shorts were curious about my health!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A
combination of odd flattery and anxiety clouded my cerebral cortex.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was standing in the water, they were both
on deck.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is what I actually said:<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span face=""arial" , "sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“I’m
having a problem with my sphincter.”<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span face=""arial" , "sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">To which both men said in unison:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span face=""arial" , "sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Whooooooahhh!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span face=""arial" , "sans-serif"" style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Two
male acquaintances are now under the mistaken impression I was complaining
about my asshole</span></i><span face=""arial" , "sans-serif"" style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span face=""arial" , "sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Oh, no, not that kind of sphincter…” I sputtered out,
but it was way too late for any kind of recovery.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have never spoken the word “sphincter”
before in my ENTIRE life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And now, it was
clear I couldn’t stop saying it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span face=""arial" , "sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“I wasn’t talking about “THAT” sphincter.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I called to them as they coiled up the swim
lanes, their eyes open wide, eyebrows raised. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I was talking about a spasming sphincter.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span face=""arial" , "sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Whooooooahh!!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span face=""arial" , "sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“You do realize you have more than one sphincter,
right?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I called to them, this time
plowing through the water to get closer to them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>By the time I got near them again, class had
started, and the lifeguard shift changed…<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">…and so had my social
life at the Y.</span></div>Heidi-"Heidi in Real Life"http://www.blogger.com/profile/01765631003765541364noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1022725406531926511.post-67013578819621802442012-05-26T18:50:00.002-04:002020-10-01T09:43:33.496-04:00Huey Lewis and 50 Shades of Grey<span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "sans-serif"" style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Last night we attended a “Huey Lewis and the News”
concert.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Huey’s still got it: the fantastic voice, the hair, the muscles and the
jeans-friendly body. </span></span><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-sDNIZ9Q_cOo/XG10ht_pc-I/AAAAAAAAAyA/TEH0O_3klIAZMerTa8EvGyLEw8z0DyvbQCLcBGAs/s1600/Huey.jpg" style="clear: left; display: inline !important; float: left; font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="398" data-original-width="906" height="140" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-sDNIZ9Q_cOo/XG10ht_pc-I/AAAAAAAAAyA/TEH0O_3klIAZMerTa8EvGyLEw8z0DyvbQCLcBGAs/s320/Huey.jpg" width="320" /></a><span style="font-family: arial;">OK, I'm back.</span><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "sans-serif"" style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br /></span><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span face=""arial" , "sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">At the entrance to the event was, in contrast to
paragraph 1, my first <span style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">real glimpse</span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> </i>of
myself as an old woman.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This occurred when
we comingled with our fellow concert-goers-- <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">the cast of “Cocoon</i>”—in line at the door.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">My daughter and I stood for a short time to have our tickets scanned,
not by a tough bouncer searching for pot or explosive devices, but by
an elderly woman who wouldn't hurt a fly.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">In my seat, I lost myself again, youth recaptured, as
Huey entered the stage to the heartbeat at the beginning of “Heart of Rock ‘n
Roll.”</span><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">With the lights out in the
darkened theatre, it was a magical night.</span><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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<span face=""arial" , "sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Then they played “I Want a New Drug” and flashed the
spotlights on the audience.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>WHOA!!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">50
shades of grey</b>!!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I felt like I was
standing in a cotton field.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We looked
like the matinee audience of the very last “Peter, Paul and Mary” PBS-televised
concert...or a retirement planning seminar. The hairs on our heads shone like 500 silvery christmas bulbs.</span></div>
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<span face=""arial" , "sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And so it went.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Dark
theatre-young again; Lights shining on the grey-fluffy dandelions …DOH!—old
again.</span><br /></div>
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<span face=""arial" , "sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Young.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Old.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span face=""arial" , "sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Young.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Old.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span face=""arial" , "sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">It was maddening.</span></div>
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<span face=""arial" , "sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">At some point half the audience rushed the stage and I
was wondering what Huey was thinking.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>There was something strange about a bunch of 50-80 year olds standing at
your feet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Was he cringing?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Was he glad he had all his hair?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Their gnarled hands stretched up to him like
they were in a Charlton Heston blockbuster and Huey was God.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span face=""arial" , "sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Maybe
it was their time to go and they WERE reaching for God.</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span face=""arial" , "sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Ahh, but what a way to go.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<br /></div>
</div>Heidi-"Heidi in Real Life"http://www.blogger.com/profile/01765631003765541364noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1022725406531926511.post-53382079835642713032012-05-21T07:33:00.004-04:002020-10-01T09:46:34.713-04:00Seven Facts to Blow Your Mind<div class="separator"><span style="clear: right; float: right; font-family: arial; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="350" data-original-width="252" height="200" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-YrmR12eaKsA/XG100iH86KI/AAAAAAAAAyI/b_Nrs147MPwp6xND6NziVp47W7CfqjZ7ACEwYBhgL/s200/elvis.jpg" width="143" /></span></div><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">A blogger friend of mine sent challenged me to write 7 facts about myself. </span></span><span style="font-family: arial;">Opening the door into Heidi’s “Fact safe”…creeeeeaaakkkkk:</span><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span><div class="MsoListParagraph" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">1.<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span></span><u><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
spent a night with Elvis Prestley</u>. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">O.k, O.k, I was with a stadium full of people
in 1973 (I was 8) at one of his last white-jumpsuit shows. I was not impressed and spent the entire concert with a scarf over my face (the flashbulbs were blinding) and my fingers in my ears.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<br />
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Thank you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Thank you very much.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">2.<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span></span><u><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A
Hamster helped me get through my divorce in 1991.</u></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><br />On one, lonely, miserable night just before my divorce to my
then husband was final, I felt especially lonely and uncertain about my
decision.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At 4:30 in the morning, I made a list of the Ex’s
good and bad points.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Concurrently, our
7-year old, half-dead hamster, Elmer, squeaked his wheel, so I decided to make
a pro-con list about HIM and compare it that of the Ex (hey, it was late).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The chart proved that even a smelly rodent
who did nothing but sleep and poop had more pros than my ex-husband.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;">I still have the
chart.</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">3.<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span></span><u>I am a morning person, but a night witch</u></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;">I genuinely get up energetic and happy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But something happens to me over the day, and
by evening time I’ve become a bitter, hungry goblin.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Important self-preservation tip:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Don’t mess with me when I’m tired, or I'll turn in to the "Incredible Hulk."</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">4.<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span></span><u><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
would sing the National Anthem naked for a Hershey’s bar with peanut butter</u>.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;">No. Really. I hope to be able to aquire them without doing so, but if need be..."Ooooh, say can you see?"</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">5.<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span></span><u><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I buy
water chestnuts whenever I see them, because I mentally block out the fact that
I already bought them the previous week.</u></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;">I’m certain this has a diagnosis.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I also admit to doing this during the
Christmas season with evaporated milk.</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">6.<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span></span><u><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve
always wondered what it would be like to play the organ</u></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;">This might have started when I was a child, during my “Fascination
with <u>The Addams Family</u>” period.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">7.<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span></span><u><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have
a harmless, mole (read: beauty mark) on my chin that has been removed <em>thrice--</em> but it keeps growing back.</u></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;">Now THAT’s talent.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;"><br /></div>
<span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div>
<br /></div>Heidi-"Heidi in Real Life"http://www.blogger.com/profile/01765631003765541364noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1022725406531926511.post-61233664577327074112012-05-13T08:09:00.002-04:002020-04-21T14:44:58.070-04:00Equine Therapy: Heidi Gets a Pedicure<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Approximately 3 times a year, I treat myself to a
pedicure at a nail salon.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Approximately
3 times a year, the nail technicians at the nail salon run to the back room and
to do “Rock, Paper, Scissors” to see who gets saddled with my hooves.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“I’m here for my “shoeing”,” I joked today to the
Vietnamese girl who runs the place.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She
doesn’t understand what I’ve said, but she knows my feet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She announces something to the other
employees in her native tongue-- something that sounds like:</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Who hasn’t done a horse footed woman, yet?” </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I see their faces get longer and their eyes open wider and
a younger girl is ushered to the front like a virgin about to be tossed in a
volcano.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">She says, “Go pick a color,” trembling.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">It’s not my fault my feet are nasty…not entirely.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Heredity plays a factor--I got the thick heel
skin compliments of my mother, and the petrified toenails from Dad.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m also a long way <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">from</i> my feet because I’m tall.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I also have a hard time seeing my feet without my glasses on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I try to moisturize, but nothing penetrates a
thousand layers of dead skin.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Today, the day before Mother’s Day, was the busiest I’ve
ever seen place.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I thought about going
home, but my feet are so bad, they’re starting to pick up carpet fibers.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-v0PSCeUlcE0/VSQfDk3AmeI/AAAAAAAAArQ/qAFyixH4p-M/s1600/norm.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="255" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-v0PSCeUlcE0/VSQfDk3AmeI/AAAAAAAAArQ/qAFyixH4p-M/s1600/norm.png" width="320" /></a><span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">As soon as my feet had soaked and were up on the bench to
be worked on, I hear my pedicurist say two addition things in English:</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Channel
Lock Pliers and Goggles</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">This was not the soothing, spa experience I was going
for.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The neophyte was not going to be
cowed by my animal heels and was fiercely determined to be the “alpha.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She clipped and sawed and planed like Norm
Abrams on the <u>New Yankee Workshop</u>. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I sat there, smoke rising, toenails flying like
B-Bs, like a 2x4 in shop class.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">God.</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">The next step is optional, but I gave her a “thumbs up”
and she took out her razor blade and wicked off my dead skin, forming the
mini-blizzard of a snow globe turned upside-down and right-side up again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There was nowhere to look except down…in
fascination.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“You should leave a little of that on,” I said, trying to
relieve anxiety, “for traction.”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<br /></div>
Heidi-"Heidi in Real Life"http://www.blogger.com/profile/01765631003765541364noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1022725406531926511.post-29934889517095168332012-02-06T19:49:00.005-05:002020-10-01T09:50:30.501-04:00Return of the Twittering Bunny<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span face=""Arial", "sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-QoDPMFdvqPg/X3XemnX8MEI/AAAAAAAAA48/xXfXgDtouE0VUWnt-7ODTK32QhX4jzPvwCLcBGAsYHQ/s259/rabbit.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="194" data-original-width="259" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-QoDPMFdvqPg/X3XemnX8MEI/AAAAAAAAA48/xXfXgDtouE0VUWnt-7ODTK32QhX4jzPvwCLcBGAsYHQ/s0/rabbit.jpg" /></a></div><br />I hardly ever do this...but...does this fur coat make me look fat?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span face=""Arial", "sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">HELLO?! HELLO??? That's all Dr. Phil's rep says when I call to describe my friend's problem. It's like they can't even hear me.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span face=""Arial", "sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I enjoy the fact that "rabbit trailing" is an insult used by "suits" to make fun of those off-topic. MY trails ARE the topic <making1now></making1now></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span face=""Arial", "sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I don't think sitting stone still and looking casual is fooling anyone.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span face=""Arial", "sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Ding Dong the Falcon is Dead" is a song I hum when I'm happy.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span face=""Arial", "sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The problem with eating tulips is that you just can't stop at one.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span face=""Arial", "sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I would like to propose that Dust Bunnies be called Dust Raccoons <imjustsayin></imjustsayin></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span face=""Arial", "sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Everyone I know is sleeping, yet I am wide awake, staring at a starry night. I think I'll write my name in paw prints.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span face=""Arial", "sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">A deer told me my butt was fluffy, so I opened a can of 'whoop ass' (which in my case entailed staring intensely and thinking evil thoughts)</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span face=""Arial", "sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Suckling an icicle like a gerbil's water dispenser. Long winters make strange bedfellows.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""Arial", "sans-serif"" style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Nominating new species symbol--Peter and Easter aren't exactly role models.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Bugs is too sarcastic and Jessica Rabbit is an enigma.</span><br />
<br />
<span face=""Arial", "sans-serif"" style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">If you want to do the "Bunny Hop" or drop into a rabbit hole, which is something like dropping acid, I'm told, you can follow me @bunnyinmygarden on Twitter because I'm ver</span><br />
<br />
<span face=""Arial", "sans-serif"" style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Was that too many characters? Fluff!</span><br />
<br />
<span face=""Arial", "sans-serif"" style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Oops, dropped the F-bomb.</span></span>Heidi-"Heidi in Real Life"http://www.blogger.com/profile/01765631003765541364noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1022725406531926511.post-74800954518982245432012-02-05T10:43:00.005-05:002020-12-03T10:45:19.570-05:00I See Naked People<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin: 0in 0in 12pt;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial;">I've never been that person in the gym locker who walks around nude. </span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">In our gym locker room, I am often called upon to talk to women who <i>do</i> walk around nude.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; mso-spacerun: yes;"> Somehow, </span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">they </span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">don’t seem to care that something (a lot, actually) is off. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Bq6OAv364Lw/X3NxTNYIuMI/AAAAAAAAA4w/oq9xvdyixrkZyww1fdGSahvfMaV3zvPngCLcBGAsYHQ/s275/lionessesjpg.jpg" style="clear: left; display: inline !important; float: left; font-size: 12pt; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="183" data-original-width="275" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Bq6OAv364Lw/X3NxTNYIuMI/AAAAAAAAA4w/oq9xvdyixrkZyww1fdGSahvfMaV3zvPngCLcBGAsYHQ/s0/lionessesjpg.jpg" /></a><i style="font-family: arial; mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span face=""Arial", "sans-serif"" style="color: #222222; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I’m no prude</span></i><span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve had plenty of pleasurable private naked historic events, but none of them ever involved yappy senior female nudists.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe it’s just me, but if you’re going to enter my personal space-bubble unclothed -- let's at least agree to coffee later. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Here’s my personal decree:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>If you’re naked in the locker room and you want to talk to me, I’ll be able to pay attention to you for <span style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">approximately</span> 2 nanoseconds.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After that, my brain starts sending a million ADHD-fueled conflicting signals and then H<span style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">eidi has left the building</span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></i>If you <i><span style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">really</span> </i>want to talk to me, unless it’s about danger or a spider is about to drop on me--<span style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">can’t I</span> <span style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">just meet you in the lobby?</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“What do you think about the “Piggly Wiggly” expansion?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A member asked me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They never ask me “Yes/No” questions. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“I think it’s nice,” I, all dressed and packed up ready to go, managed to say, looking at her hairline.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""Arial", "sans-serif"" style="color: #222222; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“I think it’s fantastic.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They’re really giving Festival…” </span><span face=""Arial", "sans-serif"" style="color: #222222; font-size: 10pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; border-bottom: medium none; border-color: initial; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-style: none; border-top: medium none; border-width: medium; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""Arial", "sans-serif"" style="color: #222222; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br />WARNING:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Heidi NAKED DECREE will COMMENCE in ..3,2,1</span><span face=""Arial", "sans-serif"" style="color: #222222; font-size: 10pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; border-bottom: medium none; border-color: initial; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-style: none; border-top: medium none; border-width: medium; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; border-bottom: medium none; border-color: initial; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-style: none; border-top: medium none; border-width: medium; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Followed by, “Blah, blah, blah, blah, boob, blah, boob, blah,” She had run-over my 2 nanosecond attention span and I was a deer in her headlights.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; border-bottom: medium none; border-color: initial; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-style: none; border-top: medium none; border-width: medium; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""Arial", "sans-serif"" style="color: #222222; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“I got to run, Hazel.”</span><span face=""Arial", "sans-serif"" style="color: #222222; font-size: 10pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; border-bottom: medium none; border-color: initial; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-style: none; border-top: medium none; border-width: medium; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; border-bottom: medium none; border-color: initial; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-style: none; border-top: medium none; border-width: medium; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“O.k., but when are you teaching…”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; border-bottom: medium none; border-color: initial; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-style: none; border-top: medium none; border-width: medium; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">LA-LA-LA-LA-LA</span><div><span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"><br /></span></div>Heidi-"Heidi in Real Life"http://www.blogger.com/profile/01765631003765541364noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1022725406531926511.post-63718351538263902662011-12-17T13:12:00.005-05:002020-12-03T10:11:45.517-05:00Christmas Elves Don't Take Breaks<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: arial;">Enlisting help in Christmas Cookie making from my daughter, Krista, should make it more fun and less frenzied.</span><span style="font-family: arial; mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="font-family: arial;">She is artistic and loves to decorate, but in this kitchen, </span><span style="font-family: arial; mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">with time constraints</span><span style="font-family: arial;">, we can’t put perfect smiles on every Santa Claus, now can we?</span><span style="font-family: arial; mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: arial;">“Why don’t you make all the smiles, then go back and make all the eyes, and so on?” I suggested, adding up the seeming 10 minutes each cookie is taking.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: arial;">“But I want to do it this way.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span face=""Arial", "sans-serif"">The assembly line had come to a complete, steam-hissing halt</span></i><span face=""Arial", "sans-serif"">.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-VYCl10o-J9k/X7fF8--LfUI/AAAAAAAAA7k/1tA0HegsR8cevLIO3kdWu_8HxsOba7w-QCLcBGAsYHQ/s225/SANTA.jpg" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="225" data-original-width="225" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-VYCl10o-J9k/X7fF8--LfUI/AAAAAAAAA7k/1tA0HegsR8cevLIO3kdWu_8HxsOba7w-QCLcBGAsYHQ/s0/SANTA.jpg" /></a></div></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: arial;">“Krista, we have 20 million cookies to make, can you hurry it up?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Christmas clouds are darkening, laughing has ceased and I’m starting to feel like if something pure like an Angel or a Muppet entered my kitchen, it would fall dead from the “Cheer Vacuum.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: arial;">“O.k., you keep going, I’m going to make more.” </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""Arial", "sans-serif"">In the same time I made 2 batches of fudge, 2 trays of caramel bars and removed the ceremonial molten peanut brittle from the microwave, Krista had completed 25 Santa faces--and they were magnificent.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: arial;">“O.K—we’ve got gingerbread to roll out and this time we decorate before they go in the oven.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span face=""Arial", "sans-serif"">“I think I’m going to take a break</span></i><span face=""Arial", "sans-serif"">.”</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: arial;">“Christmas Cookie Elves don’t take breaks!” I blasted, “Especially while their mothers are pouring their heart and soul into making everything (face reddens for dramatic effect) PERFECT!” </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: arial;">At this point, Heidi had left the building, replaced by the voice of her now deceased, always Christmas-Stressed Mother.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">It had to be her</i>; I haven’t heard the words “Christmas Cookie Elves” since 1972.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-color: initial; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-style: none; border-top: medium none; border-width: medium; margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: arial;">I have rapid flashbacks of those hard, metal Christmas decorations that break your teeth rolling all over the floor because they never stick in the dough. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I remember her taking my little hands firmly and telling me to make the dough <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">balls</i> NOT sausages. I’m reeling, remembering at age 7, when I accidentally broke a glass near the cookie making station and she had to start all over again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I really, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">seriously</i> thought she was going to kill me but she did worse.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She cried<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">.</i></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-color: initial; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-style: none; border-top: medium none; border-width: medium; margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: arial;">As soon as I realized that Dolores had channeled me, I shook and came to my senses.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-color: initial; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-style: none; border-top: medium none; border-width: medium; margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: arial;">“I’m taking a break too,” I said, “LET’S EAT SOME!”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-color: initial; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-style: none; border-top: medium none; border-width: medium; margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: arial;">If you, on my cookie recipient list, don’t get your cookies this year…they were delicious.</span></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-color: initial; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-style: none; border-top: medium none; border-width: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 11pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">Ho-Ho-Ho!</span></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-color: initial; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-style: none; border-top: medium none; border-width: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 11pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><br /></span></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-color: initial; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-style: none; border-top: medium none; border-width: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 11pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><br /></span></div>Heidi-"Heidi in Real Life"http://www.blogger.com/profile/01765631003765541364noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1022725406531926511.post-49173317394416890242011-11-09T23:12:00.008-05:002020-12-03T09:19:04.861-05:00Putting the “Luck” in the Potluck<div class="MsoNormal" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-color: initial; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-style: none; border-top: medium none; border-width: medium; margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-6E7KwpcHW9g/XTHnJA3vZWI/AAAAAAAAA0g/zWS-zRHuJv4-Wn0g9YiZ0WB1TflzLOgEQCLcBGAs/s1600/potluck.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="255" data-original-width="362" height="140" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-6E7KwpcHW9g/XTHnJA3vZWI/AAAAAAAAA0g/zWS-zRHuJv4-Wn0g9YiZ0WB1TflzLOgEQCLcBGAs/s200/potluck.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
<span face=""arial" , "sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I earned a bad reputation for myself at a company potluck when I accidentally added a plastic-sealed recipe fold-out to my batch of fudge.</span></div>
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<span face=""arial" , "sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“What are these layers made of?” one executive asked, splitting the fudge in two to reveal the white strata.</span></div>
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<span face=""arial" , "sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Layers?” I asked, my eyebrows rising to my hairline.</span></div>
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<span face=""arial" , "sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“It looks like it has writing on it,” another executive added.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: arial;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span face=""arial" , "sans-serif"" style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“</span></i><span face=""arial" , "sans-serif"" style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Writing on it?” My mind-- visibly racing; my forehead--wet with anxiety.</span></span></div>
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<span face=""arial" , "sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“It’s paper!” someone shouted and in a flash, everyone’s head was up, like a herd of deer who just heard a twig snap.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span face=""arial" , "sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Those fellow employees will never look at a plate of fudge the same way again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They will be mistrustful and wonder, “Did some dingbat put plastic in these?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I’ve done this to them</i>…and I am ashamed.</span></div>
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<span face=""arial" , "sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I can relate to their distrust because I’ve had similar “Close Encounters of the Putrid Kind” at pretty much every Communal Food Event I’ve ever been to.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Here’s how a typical “Potluck Action” plays out:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Heidi spots the cheese and sausage tray, present at all these spreads.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Heidi takes a slice of sausage, alerting the “Sausage Preparer’s” keen ear.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In a flash, he appears at my side smiling:</span></div>
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<span face=""arial" , "sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“How do ya like my sausage?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He’s <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">way too</i> anxious for me to try it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I suspect he’s a hunter, or “meat mingler” as experience has taught me.<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"></i></span></div>
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<span face=""arial" , "sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“It’s good,” I appease, nodding, thinking, “come on, buddy, what <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">is it</i>? I know you wanna tell me.” </span></div>
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<span face=""arial" , "sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“You’re eating squirrel and wolverine sausage,” he announces with pride.</span></div>
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<span face=""arial" , "sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Didn’t you make the “pulled pork” in the crock pot too?” I sputter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span face=""arial" , "sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I never said it was pork</i>.” </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "sans-serif"" style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Trust is also key when it comes to offering temperature sensitive food.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">especially</i> hard to maintain quality Potluck food control when alcohol is being consumed and dulls “Food Spoilage” senses.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> After a few hours, and t</span>he third of fourth round, the SERIOUS "munchies" set in. I've probably saved the life of many intoxicated party goers by standing in front of a suspicious shrimp ring, trying to get them interested in Doritos instead.</span><br />
<br />
<span face=""arial" , "sans-serif"" style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">"Are those shrimp moving?" a guest asked. Reanimated shrimp are a neighborhood favorite, along with a couple of <em>my</em> specialties: "Taco Dip" swill and "Cause of Death" potato salad.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
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<span face=""arial" , "sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">From the paper in my fudge incident, I realize I had poor awareness when it came to food <em>preparation.</em><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I’m not the only one putting the “luck” in the Potluck.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>An acquaintance of the family made these unbelievably good fruited Christmas cookies.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>People would <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">beg her</i> to bring them to parties.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One day I went to pick up a batch, and saw her secret:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She threw a bed sheet on to the kitchen floor and tossed the hot cookies into a pile of powdered sugar.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A lovebird cage with two feathery residents hung just above it.</span></div>
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<span face=""arial" , "sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">That wolverine sausage didn't seem so bad after that.</span></div>
Heidi-"Heidi in Real Life"http://www.blogger.com/profile/01765631003765541364noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1022725406531926511.post-7596398431196308952011-08-28T11:51:00.004-04:002020-11-20T10:01:41.073-05:00You Think YOU'VE Got it Ruff?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">My family is nuts<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">They brought me to the grandparent’s house, leashed me to a shade tree, left me a bowl of water and patted my head.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They were gone for 2 hours (that’s 14 in dog hours), during which time the old folks’ automatic sprinklers timed ‘on.’<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There I was, trapped in my 10-foot circle while the Ch-ch-ch-ch-tsssssssssssss Ch-ch-ch-ch- tssssssssssss spritzes of water, <span style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">from which I could not escape</span>, nailed me every 20 seconds.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oh, they came home alright, and felt bad, but I definitely heard some chuckling at my expense.<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> </i></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">This latest incident follows a long summer of “First Time Dog Owner” follies starring me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Heidi’s previous blog detailing my humiliating “all-over” shave was a crock of dog-doo.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I would have titled it, “Jasmine feels all exposed and NASTY.” I’m <b>glad</b> she got butt-fur on her face.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If I had known it would have caused her such discomfort, I would have blown the hair up at her myself.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">This all started back in July, when the “fam” took me with them to a lake house.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They let me swim and run around on the sand bar, catching Nerf balls, which was great.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But all that physical activity loosened things up and <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">you know</i>…I had to go.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As soon as they saw me squat (and it was way too late for me to <span style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">stop</span> squatting), I got yanked back in the boat while someone danced around screaming for something plastic.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was brought to shore immediately, which I thought was silly, because I was clearly done.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">A couple of weeks after the lake weekend, I started to itch--A LOT. The recommended <u>Borax</u> bath was supposed to dry naturally--so I <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">couldn’t be toweled dry</i> on my way outside.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>BOY was I heavy --I could hardly move.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I couldn’t stand it…one…. more…minute… and I shook so furiously, the ceiling and walls were dripping.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That felt better.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then my skin and hair turned snowy white.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The neighbor dogs raised their tails and growled at me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hey—it’s still me guys, I tried to communicate, even though I looked like the canine Methuselah.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""Arial", "sans-serif"" style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">The doctor admitted the bath didn’t help, because 2 days later I was covered in the grossest possible nodules.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She prescribed BIG green pills for my skin infection that I got to eat off a spoon with peanut butter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That <span style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">almost</span> made up for the fact that I had to be vigorously brushed 3 times a day to get rid of the potato-chip sized flakes in my fur. </span><br />
<br />
<span face=""Arial", "sans-serif"" style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Well, after this past weekend “Sprinkler Soak”, I decided to get even.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I tried to stay as moist as possible so the wet-dog smell would permeate the carpet and car upholstery on the drive home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Next, I inhaled all the air in the car and exhaled it through my mouth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was raining so they couldn’t open the windows.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To their credit, the four of them didn’t complain much, and I got 10- 15 Pizza doggie treats just for looking cute.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Guilt is a wonderful tool.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Signed, Jasmine Buttercup Ruby <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-r_O9yvh0kdw/X7fJPn_3oYI/AAAAAAAAA7w/Sj-02pwpywkea3iT5YlJXOLjJs5Pp26DgCLcBGAsYHQ/s220/goldenretriever.png" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="179" data-original-width="220" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-r_O9yvh0kdw/X7fJPn_3oYI/AAAAAAAAA7w/Sj-02pwpywkea3iT5YlJXOLjJs5Pp26DgCLcBGAsYHQ/s0/goldenretriever.png" /></a></div><br /></span></div>Heidi-"Heidi in Real Life"http://www.blogger.com/profile/01765631003765541364noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1022725406531926511.post-80109904948390775392011-08-04T07:29:00.006-04:002020-11-12T11:54:20.378-05:00The Very Hairy Dog Owner<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span face=""Arial", "sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Jasmine, our Golden Retriever, needed a special bath to help sooth a skin irritation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My idea was to shear her so the bath concoction would penetrate better.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have a friend who shaves baby cows to prepare them for the county fair—BABY COWS!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How hard could clipping a 60 lb. dog be?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">I decided I should give her a haircut before I got out anything electric.</span><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">Jasmine enjoys any attention I give her, so for the majority of the grooming session, she lay in her deep-sleep, “Butcher Chart” pose, still, aside from her tail thumping.</span><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">The books will tell you to have her either stand or sit…but I didn’t think to consult those books.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span face=""Arial", "sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Using the “Grab a Hank and Cut” method, I felt like the White Witch from “<u>The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe</u>” with Aslan on the stone table.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After an hour and a half of squatting, rolling and panting (me, not the dog), one slightly molted canine emerged and one garbage bag of 4” hair was harvested.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The books would tell you to bathe the dog <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">before</i> you trim her hair too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Next time…</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span face=""Arial", "sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">For step two, I found the hair clipper and popped a ¾ inch attachment on the end and started it up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Animals sure have a lot of hair!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>With the exception of a small portion of flesh on her belly and maybe her nose and eyeballs, everything else had follicles.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I sat on our porch outside on a non-windy, humid day with Jasmine across my lap and buzzed and buzzed until my buzzer hand was cramped and the clippers and I whined for a break.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span face=""Arial", "sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Then I had to flip her.</span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span face=""Arial", "sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">As I turned her over on her opposite side…a sudden wind blew.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A flurry of Jasmine’s fluffy white butt-hair blew up at me and stuck to my sweaty skin.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All of a sudden, I was itchy and I didn’t have enough fingers to scratch all the itches.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wanted to quit, but I was only half done.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Back straining, arms shaking, I shore my last stripe 30 minutes later.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Alternate Dimension” Jasmine was born--not quite a dog, not quite a sheep.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A SHOG.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She happily ran off.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span face=""Arial", "sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Covered with dog fuzz, I wasn’t quite sure what to do next.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I didn’t want to go in the house like this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I considered just hosing myself off outside, but I didn’t think I could do that to myself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Finally, my solution was to strip off all my clothes in the garage, with the door closed of course, plug a small fan in and hold it up to my face to release the hair that wasn’t cemented to my skin.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I then streaked into the house for a shower.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-color: initial; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-style: none; border-top: medium none; border-width: medium; margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span face=""Arial", "sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><br />I startled my daughter, Krista, who had just come upstairs and who was completely oblivious to what I had been doing<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></i>Alarmed, she asked, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“Why are you naked?”</i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-color: initial; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-style: none; border-top: medium none; border-width: medium; margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span face=""Arial", "sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Followed closely by, “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Why are you furry</i>?” </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-color: initial; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-style: none; border-top: medium none; border-width: medium; margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span face=""Arial", "sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">In the mirror, I was “The Shaggy DA” wearing a Charlton Heston (as Moses) descending the mountain with the 10 Commandments in hand, white wig.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-color: initial; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-style: none; border-top: medium none; border-width: medium; margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-x2rOpy4vXkU/X61oSXZ0TKI/AAAAAAAAA6I/pAz-uRN7eB4AYFpAg0QHscfvlcZUvDlZwCLcBGAsYHQ/s259/heston.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; display: inline !important; font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="194" data-original-width="259" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-x2rOpy4vXkU/X61oSXZ0TKI/AAAAAAAAA6I/pAz-uRN7eB4AYFpAg0QHscfvlcZUvDlZwCLcBGAsYHQ/s0/heston.jpg" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-color: initial; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-style: none; border-top: medium none; border-width: medium; margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span face=""Arial", "sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-4E1DcofF81I/X61oKuahAvI/AAAAAAAAA6E/pfoa6rZ-0-4v10sBManZz66XiImjKl8nACLcBGAsYHQ/s259/heston.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><br /></a></div></span></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-color: initial; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-style: none; border-top: medium none; border-width: medium;"><span face=""Arial", "sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">I’m glad I’m a “fairly” hairless human, who will probably not complain about her one chin hair anytime soon.</span></div>Heidi-"Heidi in Real Life"http://www.blogger.com/profile/01765631003765541364noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1022725406531926511.post-19071396293781619532011-07-01T17:10:00.003-04:002020-12-03T10:47:59.098-05:00Butterflies Bug Me<span style="font-family: arial;"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">The first time my oldest son, David, was terrorized by a butterfly, he was 3. He was sitting in a shopping cart in a flower nursery when one landed right on his nose and wouldn’t move. He cried…a lot. It was a big bug, after all.</span><br /></span><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><br />The second time he was 5, when my mother innocently put on a butterfly puppet in the mall and flapped it around him. He screamed and from his perspective, I suppose it did look creepy--5 wiggling black gloved fingers and Grandma making a buzzing sound.</span><br />
</span><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-color: initial; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-style: none; border-top: medium none; border-width: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-color: initial; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-style: none; border-top: medium none; border-width: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;">The third time, age 8, he was on a school trip to a butterfly house when another winged-intruder came very close to his face. A couple of nanoseconds of flailing arms and then STOMP! He killed it, causing a scene of unimaginable proportions including, screaming, running and hysterical zoo keepers scraping up the remains of the Ruby-throated Pussycat Swallowtail up with a brochure. I’m sure there’s an age-enhanced picture of David at the zoo—even now--with a “Keep Him Away from Butterflyarium”” warning.</span></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-color: initial; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-style: none; border-top: medium none; border-width: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-color: initial; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-style: none; border-top: medium none; border-width: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;">We’ve made gentle fun of him over the years for it and he’s taken it reasonably well.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-iXya9qFe7Pw/X7fLUnNaaSI/AAAAAAAAA78/dAUpCyXxF6UPJzMOs8RPvDRacy8P-U0UgCLcBGAsYHQ/s949/spongebob.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="841" data-original-width="949" height="162" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-iXya9qFe7Pw/X7fLUnNaaSI/AAAAAAAAA78/dAUpCyXxF6UPJzMOs8RPvDRacy8P-U0UgCLcBGAsYHQ/w183-h162/spongebob.jpg" width="183" /></a></div></span></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-color: initial; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-style: none; border-top: medium none; border-width: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-color: initial; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-style: none; border-top: medium none; border-width: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;">Flash forward 20 years, when I take my first turn in a butterfly enclosure. It was very hot and humid in there--to satisfy the needs of the plants and the butterfly cocoons. There were pretty flowers, but buzzing everywhere.</span></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-color: initial; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-style: none; border-top: medium none; border-width: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-color: initial; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-style: none; border-top: medium none; border-width: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;">Naturally, one landed on me, and I did the very uncool, “OH MY GOD!” scream and, using both my hands, rapidly flapped at it until it was gone (and I didn’t care where). The entire population of the exhibit (including the butterflies) turned to face me. The guard straightened his face menacingly. I imagined the butterflies lining up and performing stunt flights in a flying “V” and skimming my hair like barn swallows.</span></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-color: initial; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-style: none; border-top: medium none; border-width: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-color: initial; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-style: none; border-top: medium none; border-width: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;">“I’m going to have to ask you to leave, “the butterfly-loving guard said, which would normally have embarrassed me, but only brought me joy.</span></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-color: initial; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-style: none; border-top: medium none; border-width: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-color: initial; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-style: none; border-top: medium none; border-width: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;">“I could kiss you, “I said, sincerely.</span></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-color: initial; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-style: none; border-top: medium none; border-width: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-color: initial; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-style: none; border-top: medium none; border-width: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;">In the “Decontamination Chamber” where you go to make sure there are no butterflies are on you, I ran “in place” –which is “hurry up” in body language-- while a “netted” guard whisked one off my neck.</span></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-color: initial; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-style: none; border-top: medium none; border-width: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-color: initial; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-style: none; border-top: medium none; border-width: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;">This past weekend I sat outside the zoo's new butterfly exhibit, while my daughter, Krista and her friend went in together. I soon spotted a kindred spirit--a woman passing rapidly through the line, knocking children over, and repeating “Get me out of here!” As she rushed past the “Decontamination Chamber” and out, I spotted a butterfly on her back.</span></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-color: initial; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-style: none; border-top: medium none; border-width: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-color: initial; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-style: none; border-top: medium none; border-width: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;">Poor thing. </span></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-color: initial; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-style: none; border-top: medium none; border-width: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-color: initial; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-style: none; border-top: medium none; border-width: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;">The woman, not the insect.</span></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-color: initial; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-style: none; border-top: medium none; border-width: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-color: initial; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-style: none; border-top: medium none; border-width: medium;"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><br />
</span></div>Heidi-"Heidi in Real Life"http://www.blogger.com/profile/01765631003765541364noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1022725406531926511.post-17067108909070713032011-06-22T13:06:00.004-04:002020-11-20T09:15:24.097-05:00Wedding Never-Dos<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-color: initial; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-style: none; border-top: medium none; border-width: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;">Because I have a </span><em style="font-family: arial;">lot</em><span style="font-family: arial;"> of experience in what not to do--Here come the wedding </span><span style="font-family: arial;">“I never-d</span><span style="font-family: arial;">os”:</span></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-color: initial; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-style: none; border-top: medium none; border-width: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-color: initial; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-style: none; border-top: medium none; border-width: medium;"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;">1. <u>Brides--Never, EVER pretend to throw the bouquet.</u></span></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-color: initial; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-style: none; border-top: medium none; border-width: medium;"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-color: initial; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-style: none; border-top: medium none; border-width: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"></span><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">I was 20 the first time I tried to catch a bouquet. I was at a wedding reception with my then boyfriend. The bride positioned herself at the top of a hill, to toss the flowers backwards. Just as she made a motion to throw, I, <em>alone</em>, charged for it, head down like a crazed ram. I tripped, fell face down and when I raised my head up from the grass, I saw my boyfriend looking horrified, with several men slapping him on the back and laughing. The bride had only <i>pretended</i> to throw the bouquet.</span><br />
<br />
</span></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-color: initial; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-style: none; border-top: medium none; border-width: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><em>After all these years, I still want to punch her face in.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-cEiDZhB57ZM/X7fPX4Qc3-I/AAAAAAAAA8I/qkK1G3KJwnM4BnNynlbYY0aEWykG3lD4QCLcBGAsYHQ/s480/bride%2Bcartoon.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="400" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-cEiDZhB57ZM/X7fPX4Qc3-I/AAAAAAAAA8I/qkK1G3KJwnM4BnNynlbYY0aEWykG3lD4QCLcBGAsYHQ/s320/bride%2Bcartoon.jpg" /></a></div><br /></em></span></span></div><span style="font-family: arial;"><span></span><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><br /></span><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><u>2. Never allow yourself to be photographed doing the “Chicken Dance.”</u></span><br />
<span></span><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><br /></span><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">I was having a very good time at 2nd my wedding. <em>Such a good time</em>, I didn’t realize that my new uncle-in-law had turned the his camcorder on me until we were at a post-wedding gathering at the Eagles Club 2 weeks later.</span><br />
<br /><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">I looked up from a conversation to see myself flapping and making “talkie-crab hands” on 5 giant T.V. screens. </span><br />
<br />
</span><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-color: initial; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-style: none; border-top: medium none; border-width: medium;"><em style="font-family: arial;">Don’t even get me started on the “Hokey Pokey” clip</em><span style="font-family: arial;">.</span></div><span style="font-family: arial;">
<br />
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><u>3. Unless you want exploding boutonnieres roses, never order from “Discount Flowers.” </u></span><br />
<br />
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">I ordered peach roses for my bouquet and the men’s boutonnieres from a cheap florist. We were outside only 10 minutes before the temperature change caused the cold flowers, pinned to the men, to explode. We’re talking Morticia Addams-like beheaded flowers. Petal-less stems. “Anti-Boutonnieres.”</span><br />
<br />
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><u>4. Make sure your wedding photographer doesn’t have a brain tumor.</u></span><br />
<br />
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">We took requests for extra picture copies back to our wedding photographer—who had a complete personality change and didn’t know who we were. I described us, “The Frazers. You know, exploding flowers, white nightmare “Chicken Dance”, super-model foreign exchange student?” But still, “No. Sorry.”</span><br />
</span><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-color: initial; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-style: none; border-top: medium none; border-width: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-color: initial; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-style: none; border-top: medium none; border-width: medium;"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;">“What are you talking about you don’t remember—don’t you keep records?”</span></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-color: initial; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-style: none; border-top: medium none; border-width: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-color: initial; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-style: none; border-top: medium none; border-width: medium;"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;">“I had a brain tumor removed memories are lost,” she eventually stammered. She might be able to locate the negatives… <em>but then she asked me who I was again</em>.</span></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-color: initial; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-style: none; border-top: medium none; border-width: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-color: initial; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-style: none; border-top: medium none; border-width: medium;"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><u>5. Never acknowledge it was your kid who took all the cheese cubes off the ice sculpture table</u>.</span></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-color: initial; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-style: none; border-top: medium none; border-width: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-color: initial; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-style: none; border-top: medium none; border-width: medium;"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;">Well, <em>obviously</em>.</span></div>Heidi-"Heidi in Real Life"http://www.blogger.com/profile/01765631003765541364noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1022725406531926511.post-69448242934046499472011-05-22T13:57:00.009-04:002023-10-31T15:05:22.318-04:00Aunt Heidi Speaks on Mature Body Awareness<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 10pt;"><i><b>This is not meant to replace your annual physical, mammogram, pap-smear or prostate check.</b></i></span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">We all remember “The MOVIE” right? They put the boys in one room, the girls in the other to teach us about the forthcoming changes in our bodies? </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">I suggest making one for us in 40s, so when things start changing… <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">again</i>…we don’t think we’re dying.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-size: 12pt;">Man Movie Highlights</span></u></b><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-size: 12pt;">:</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">When you reach your 40s, you’ll have new and wonderful areas of expanding skin…just above your eyebrows. Don’t worry--the hair isn’t disappearing, it’s just <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">moved</i>… to inside your ears. And hey---those new 4” long eyebrow hairs hanging down your cheek should take the focus off your shiny head. Nature finds a way!</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">Speaking of ears-- you're right, they actually are getting bigger. Don’t bother your doctor--you’re not becoming a chimp--ears grow <i>forever</i>. Your nose grows forever too. In fact, in about 30 years, you and all<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> </i>your male friends can have an “Elmer Fudd” look-alike contest…and you’ll all win. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-U0f4Re0C0_s/X6wAkPEhRcI/AAAAAAAAA5U/kTs-pCCdlQcjzxFg81I6xbE5Ewv_jcAZACLcBGAsYHQ/image.png" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="728" data-original-width="571" height="161" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-U0f4Re0C0_s/X6wAkPEhRcI/AAAAAAAAA5U/kTs-pCCdlQcjzxFg81I6xbE5Ewv_jcAZACLcBGAsYHQ/w126-h161/image.png" width="126" /></a></div></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">Please--don’t worry about that indentation on your “remote control” thumb. That’s from turning the volume up</span><i style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">…<span style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">a lot</span>. </i><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;"> Don't blame your new ear plumage for affecting your hearing. Go get one of those “Miracle Ear” thingamajigs and give your family a break, or we’ll all go deaf.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">If you think I’m picking on you men—I dare you to be a 40ish-year old woman for a day….</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></u></b></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-size: 12pt;">Woman Movie Highlights</span></u></b><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-size: 12pt;">:</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">I’ll start with some free association:</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">Turkey-neck Dribbly Bladder Grey Hair Lonnnng Pointed Boobs</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">Eye-lid Hoods Wrinkled...EVERYTHING </span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">Dried-Up Like a Wind-Mummified Nomad</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">Don’t be surprised by facial hair growth. Like most 13-16 year old young men, peach fuzz can appear on our upper lips and chins. Just use a razor--Aunt Heidi promises it won't grow back in fuller. <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-3SloMMtmaC0/X6wAzDQd1OI/AAAAAAAAA5Y/1XsDh4QbdV8c3lWgHkXcgGUfkJ37joyHACLcBGAsYHQ/image.png" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="312" data-original-width="398" height="170" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-3SloMMtmaC0/X6wAzDQd1OI/AAAAAAAAA5Y/1XsDh4QbdV8c3lWgHkXcgGUfkJ37joyHACLcBGAsYHQ/w217-h170/image.png" width="217" /></a></div><br /></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">Warring hormones will burn you like a cross on a vampire, causing sleeplessness, marital challenges and angst among your coworkers. You’ll also have to go to the bathroom at night as often as a new puppy.<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> </i><span style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">If you’re in your 40s now, chances are you worshipped the sun as a teenager like I did. Hope you had fun, because it’s time to pay the “Tanning Piper.” I look so much like a spotted hyena right now and if I got on all-fours and laughed, someone would shoot me with a tranquilizer gun and haul me to the Detroit Zoo. Be sure to have a “Mole/Liver Spot” map made with your doctor. Be sure to ask for credentials if you happen to go to a “Free Full Body Scan” clinic.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-rZiC1bSfW-M/X6wA-D0BjoI/AAAAAAAAA5g/VB1N32wl0K8KSRM5QcEOaJWqh59pFFlrQCLcBGAsYHQ/image.png" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="164" data-original-width="307" height="171" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-rZiC1bSfW-M/X6wA-D0BjoI/AAAAAAAAA5g/VB1N32wl0K8KSRM5QcEOaJWqh59pFFlrQCLcBGAsYHQ/image.png" width="320" /></a></div></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">If you’re having trouble reading this--g</span><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">o get some </span><i style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">bifocal</i><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">s. There are no more “lines” to tip off people that you’re half blind. Now, the </span><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">tell-tale sign of a bifocal wearer is nodding to find the just right spot to see through. It also makes us appear very agreeable.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">Does this help in your transition into mature adulthood? </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">Yeah, me neither.</span>Heidi-"Heidi in Real Life"http://www.blogger.com/profile/01765631003765541364noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1022725406531926511.post-40819026903537072562011-05-20T09:07:00.003-04:002020-11-20T10:24:12.020-05:00Birthday Saddles<div class="MsoNormal"><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">Anyone out there who has hyperventilated blowing out trick birthday candles; who’s had 20 friends startle you in a darkened room; or who’s been attacked by 30 pink flamingos on your front lawn—<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">and hated every second of it</i>—let us commiserate together.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">But we do like the cake and presents though. </span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">Each year, I wish the same wish—just give me my fattening dessert and don’t involve strangers with fiendish grins. I wish, O granter of birthday wishes, that there was a law <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">against</i> embarrassing birthdays, so that the next time someone slips a waiter a note about my birthday, a police officer would poof in, put them in handcuffs and force them sit on a table-side saddle in front of 150 strangers on <span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i>their</i></span> 40<sup>th</sup>. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;"><i>Yeah! Ride THAT cowboy!</i></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">This year a friend offered to take me to lunch at my favorite Mexican restaurant on my birthday. I accepted, but begged her—</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-f25VHS2qQyc/X7ffZzZ5S2I/AAAAAAAAA8g/JyROGqb61AA2KAjx6HgY_2AxiLe8t3ZpACLcBGAsYHQ/s300/sombrero.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="display: inline !important; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="225" data-original-width="300" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-f25VHS2qQyc/X7ffZzZ5S2I/AAAAAAAAA8g/JyROGqb61AA2KAjx6HgY_2AxiLe8t3ZpACLcBGAsYHQ/s0/sombrero.jpg" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">“Please don’t tell them it’s my birthday—I SERIOUSLY <u>do not</u> want to wear the sombrero!”</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">But…faster than you can say, “Where’s the ladies room?” a mariachi band had assembled and the Spanish speaking waiter presented me with a fabulously ornate black sombrero, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">fiendishly grinning</i>, saying, “Feliz Cumpleanos!” which I <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">hoped</i> meant “Here is a million dollars” or at least “We spray for head lice.” </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">My “Birthday Embarrassment” is not limited to dinning. In fact, surprise parties should be listed on a bottle of <u>Benadryl</u> as a cause for hives. Someone threw me a surprise party for my 33<sup>nd</sup> birthday but that person knows if she ever does it again, Oh...it's on. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">Children LIVE for their birthdays and they don’t mind people staring at them waiting for their amusing reactions and having total strangers size them up to guess their age. They squeal happily over the fuss and don’t fret about how they’re going to look in all those candid pictures (or who will post them on <u>Facebook</u>). Save the parties, the hats and horns and the singing restaurant employees for the little kids…. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">…and leave us this old, camera-shy “Birthday Grinch” alone! </span></div><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;"><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I still want cake and presents though.</i></span><div><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><br /></i></span></div><div><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><br /></i></span></div>Heidi-"Heidi in Real Life"http://www.blogger.com/profile/01765631003765541364noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1022725406531926511.post-44366939939492309802011-03-04T10:53:00.008-05:002020-11-20T10:18:07.781-05:00Job Applicant Olympics<div class="MsoNormal"><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">I had a job interview yesterday. It was mental and physical Get-A-Job Olympics. We began with the:<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-_cjXxa8PLe0/X7feIB2xNiI/AAAAAAAAA8U/MQJyjQ_sCPIm8trpEibITGlk8vR-383tACLcBGAsYHQ/s500/sloth.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="478" data-original-width="500" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-_cjXxa8PLe0/X7feIB2xNiI/AAAAAAAAA8U/MQJyjQ_sCPIm8trpEibITGlk8vR-383tACLcBGAsYHQ/s320/sloth.jpg" width="320" /></a></div></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;"><b><u><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-size: 12pt;">Job Applicant Triathlon</span></u></b><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-size: 12pt;"><b> </b> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">In retrospect, it seemed a whole lot like they were administering a psychological test.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="margin-left: 0in; mso-add-space: auto;"><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">Event 1: <u>12-page Application Completion</u></span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="margin-left: 0in; mso-add-space: auto;"><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="margin-left: 0in; mso-add-space: auto;"><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">Those fun-loving employers set us up with a clipboard and pencil on a rickety, wheeled office chair and no table. I managed to recant my life with only one episode of writer’s cramp and one small “Hoo-Hoo-Hoo-Hoo” sound-effect when the chair moved backwards unexpectedly.</span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 0in; mso-add-space: auto;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -0.25in;"><br /></span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 0in; mso-add-space: auto;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">Event 2: </span><u style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">Math Test in an 80-degree Room</u></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 0in; mso-add-space: auto;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -0.25in;"><br /></span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 0in; mso-add-space: auto;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">I haven’t had a math test since I was 16. That fact </span><i style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; mso-bidi-font-style: normal; text-indent: -0.25in;">alone</i><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -0.25in;"> made me sweat, not to mention the high room temperature. Deductions for water requests (which I made).</span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 0in; mso-add-space: auto;"><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 0in; mso-add-space: auto;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-size: 12pt;">Event 3: <u>Viewing of the Corporate Video</u></span></span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 0in; mso-add-space: auto;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 0in; mso-add-space: auto;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-size: 12pt;">This doesn’t sound much like an event, but the office manager put the video on, left the room, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">but neglected to hit ‘play</i>.’ The same video scene ran for 2 LONG minutes before I got up and pushed ‘play’ myself (full marks for bold movement). They tried to increase the difficulty by seating me in the middle of the busy, distracting office environment. </span><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-size: 10pt;"></span></span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 0.45in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l2 level1 lfo3; text-indent: -0.25in;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">Event 4: <u>Interview Hurdles</u></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></u></span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="margin-left: 0in; mso-add-space: auto;"><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">To my great relief, this morning’s interview was one-on-one. Questions asked included the dreaded, “What is something you’d like to improve about yourself?” and "Where do you see yourself in 5 years" to which I said, "In your position". </span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 0in; mso-add-space: auto;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 0in; mso-add-space: auto;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">Event 5: <u>Endurance Run/Wait for the Phone Call</u></span></span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 0in; mso-add-space: auto;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 0in; mso-add-space: auto;"><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">I’m passing the time waiting for my results by practicing sitting on an unpredictable chair and <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">not</i> making cartoon Tigger noises.</span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 0in; mso-add-space: auto;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 0in; mso-add-space: auto;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-size: 12pt;">Unless that will get me the job, </span></i><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-size: 12pt;">in which case, “Hoo, Hoo, Hoo, Hoo!”</span></span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 0in; mso-add-space: auto;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 0in; mso-add-space: auto;"><br /></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="margin-left: 0in; mso-add-space: auto;"><br />
</div>Heidi-"Heidi in Real Life"http://www.blogger.com/profile/01765631003765541364noreply@blogger.com27tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1022725406531926511.post-2929715523805433882011-02-24T15:53:00.006-05:002020-12-03T10:29:34.513-05:00Did you SEE that Half-Naked Woman in the Bakery Aisle?<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "sans-serif"" style="font-size: 12pt;">My pants fell down in public this morning. <i>I just thought you should know that up front</i>.</span><br />
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<div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">It was a “Perfect Storm” when it came to conditions of my “self-pantsing”: </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">·<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span face=""arial" , "sans-serif"" style="font-size: 12pt;">A banded-bottom sweatshirt exerting force down (and in)</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">·<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span face=""arial" , "sans-serif"" style="font-size: 12pt;">“Day before laundry day” looser elastic underwear</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">·<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span face=""arial" , "sans-serif"" style="font-size: 12pt;">Cargo pants with “wannabe” sweat pants waistband</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">·<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span face=""arial" , "sans-serif"" style="font-size: 12pt;">My apparent feigning sensitivity related to air on my bare flesh</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">At this point I’d like to interject an apology to all plumbers, electricians and rappers, who I previously chided, behind their backs, for their density regarding the exposure of their backsides. I would say, “How could they POSSIBLY NOT KNOW their butts were exposed?” </span></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">I’m a humbler person now.</span></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">It all started when I felt my underwear roll down one side off my hip while walking in a store. When it became distractingly uncomfortable, and I couldn’t stand it another second, I said to my friend:</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ycNp97oSwGU/X7gZta9dp0I/AAAAAAAAA9k/jHZJR02pWs8eDeGw0F4RwEDOFBibr8DTwCLcBGAsYHQ/s275/streadker.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="183" data-original-width="275" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ycNp97oSwGU/X7gZta9dp0I/AAAAAAAAA9k/jHZJR02pWs8eDeGw0F4RwEDOFBibr8DTwCLcBGAsYHQ/s0/streadker.jpg" /></a></div></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">“I’m having an underwear emergency” and I left her puzzling with my cart and purse. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;"> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">5 paces toward the restroom, the final lip of underwear rolled off the other hip and hung low on both sides, supported only by my inseam--an incredibly awkward feeling.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">10 paces later, I felt cold… colder than maybe I <i>should</i> have felt minus only a thin layer of cotton. 5 more paces, I reached down and realized that not only had my underwear rolled down…but they took my PANTS WITH THEM! </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;"> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">I was bare-assed in the grocery store!<i> And I didn’t even know it.</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">It probably took just seconds to pull everything up again, but it happened in slow motion, just like in the movies. The only other time (aside from that mooning incident in college) my butt has been viewed by strangers was in a delivery/examining room. At last in the store restroom, I comforted myself. Probably no one saw, I thought, rocking myself in the fetal position.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">It could have been worse. <i>I could have fallen</i>. Some Samaritan would say, “Do you need help?” then, “Holy Mother! Why are you naked?” Followed closely by an announcement, breaking up the England Dan and John Ford Coley medley over the loud-speaker: </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">“Stock person report to Aisle 2 with a tarp. And dark glasses.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">My friend cheered me up on the way home by giving me clever suggestions for potential <u>Hallmark</u> cards related to a “Pants Fell Down” category:</span></div>
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<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="margin: 0in 0.3in 12pt 0.8in; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">·<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span face=""arial" , "sans-serif"" style="font-size: 12pt;">Sorry to hear you’re “Down in the Pants”</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">·<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span face=""arial" , "sans-serif"" style="font-size: 12pt;">Got Caught with your Pants Down? (inside) It could happen to any 3 year old.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">·<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span face=""arial" , "sans-serif"" style="font-size: 12pt;">Happy Birthday …Suit</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;"><Bows><dropsmic></span></div>Heidi-"Heidi in Real Life"http://www.blogger.com/profile/01765631003765541364noreply@blogger.com39tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1022725406531926511.post-10301595673639188172011-02-15T10:00:00.004-05:002020-11-20T10:46:55.796-05:00Beware of "Little Green-Sash the Cookie Pusher"<div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;">They're coming.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-size: 12pt;">Soon, they'll be out there, canvassing neighborhoods and popping up at football parties. Their mothers will be holding brochures luring us to buy their cookies? I can only hide so long. </span><br />
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<span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-size: 12pt;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">My problem is that it’s practically impossible for me to refuse a child pedaling anything on my porch. I had to sell fruitcakes door-to-door as a kid and I still shudder recalling the rejection of a fruitcake-hating public. </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-9SIuEOiWrFM/TVqUPxO94-I/AAAAAAAAAb4/VUmRE87hTuY/s1600/girl+scout.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><br />
</a></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">A few weeks ago, as I was flipping through <u>Facebook</u> a message appeared from a friend announcing her daughter is ready to take my cookie order. Within hours of the<u> Facebook</u> message, our quiet neighborhood streets were populated with the cardboard-chart holding green uniformed midgets. The mad cookie pusher/cookie consumer “Cat and Mouse” game, starring me as the Mouse, had begun.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Rq3uh6sVCnk/X7fk31pnhvI/AAAAAAAAA84/7herekmaoZ0fP_2_8bGkYg-fDnxpr-q4QCLcBGAsYHQ/s269/girlscout.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="269" data-original-width="187" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Rq3uh6sVCnk/X7fk31pnhvI/AAAAAAAAA84/7herekmaoZ0fP_2_8bGkYg-fDnxpr-q4QCLcBGAsYHQ/s0/girlscout.jpg" /></a></div><br /></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">As soon as I kindly-but-firmly sent one away, another appeared, with a “harder-sell” approach. They were sending increasingly confident girls…with sales pitches… and dimples! My resolve…and my doorbell…were being tried.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">“I’m sorry but my daughter is a Girl Scout and we’re buying cookies from her,” I lied, “but thank you.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">“But they’re delicious,” said Little Green Sash. I repeated my statement, smiled and gently closed the door. “They have zero-trans fat!” she added. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">Then they sent in the <i>big guns</i>—Pig-tails.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">“Sorry sweetie, but if I buy one more box of cookies I’ll blow up,” I joked. Pig-tails got a blank look on her face, then turned back and ran screaming to her mother in the driveway.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">Oh MY God, what had I done? I meant I would blow-up from eating too many cookies. I walked out and shrugged my shoulders and waved. Pig-tails came back and said, through sobs, “Th-th-th-thank you, anyway.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">“Wait—I’ll buy some of your cookies!” I consoled. 5 boxes later she danced back to her car. I hadn’t actually seen any tears.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">I read that a good way to control your consumption of the cookies is to freeze them (the cookies, not the Girl Scouts). </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;"> </span></div><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">Yeah, like that will stop me from biting one.</span><div><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>Heidi-"Heidi in Real Life"http://www.blogger.com/profile/01765631003765541364noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1022725406531926511.post-52037818545242408672011-01-28T14:24:00.007-05:002020-12-03T10:49:27.220-05:00Ooo Eee Ooo Ah Ah…CHOO! <div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I had a terrible cold for <b><u>a month</u></b>. I have “Seven Dwarf” symptoms too-- Dopey, Sleepy, Sneezy and Grouchy. I’m thinking I need Doc, but I know what she’ll say: “It’s a Virus.” But I’m miserable enough to risk getting the "V" word. </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><u>Nice Lady at Doctor’s Office</u> (NLDO): “What are your symptoms?</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><u>Me</u>: “Green *goo* pouring out many of my orifices and the total loss of 4 of the 5 senses.”</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><u>NLDO</u>: “Do you have a fever?”</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><u>Dishonest Wench (<i>still me</i></u>):“Yes, 101 (always a good number to say when you’re lying about your temperature) but I took Ibuprofen so now it’s normal.”</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><u>NLDO</u> : “When can you come in?”</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I’m on the schedule, but not home-free. In years past, green *goo* (which wasn’t a lie) was the ticket to getting a prescription. Now? Not so easy. Mentioning a fever, may make a bigger impression. I’m hoping I can manage something like a friend of mine, who was bequeathed with a prescription when he “saved” what was sure to be a sensational, slimy “loogie” for an hour until the doctor came in. He hawked it up right then and there, in its brownish-green glory. <i>I only hope I’m that lucky</i>.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In the doctor’s office, I’m sweaty, which can only work to my benefit, and coughing. </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“You’ll need to wear this mask.” </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Now I really can’t breathe. My one good nostril is over-extending itself even farther over to the other side of my nose, seriously blocking my already bad nostril. Struggling to inhale? This can only be a good thing when it comes to looking pitiful. 30 minutes of re-inhaling my hot, germy exhale later, my name is called.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">After only two minutes with the doctor:</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><u>Vicious Drug-Withholding Monster</u> (VDWM): “It’s a virus.”</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><u>Honestly Sick Person wishing she had a loogie of any size available (me</u>): “Did I mention I’ve been sick for a month? Don’t you want to prick my finger or something?”</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><u>VDWM</u>: “Why?”</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><u>Old Person-because only old people say “When I was a kid” (still me</u>): When I was a kid… they pricked your finger with a nasty pointy silver stick, and a nurse dressed all in white would suck my pooling blood up into a straw, and, while I was still holding a cotton ball on my throbbing digit, I got some dad-blame penicillin and I felt BETTER!!”</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><u>VDM (unaffected by my ramblings</u>): “Doctors have been over-prescribing...” Followed by mumbo-jumbo, doctor speak that my ears interpret as “I want to take your money and do absolutely nothing for you”. </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><u>Old and Defeated (you know who)</u>: “What should I do about this *virus*?”</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Rather than hitting the pharmaceutical lottery and leaving with a piece of paper for my druggist, I took down the formula for concocting my OWN home chemistry-spun “Mucus-cide” (or sorts), instructed on how to use the nasal power-washer and told about the benefits of chicken soup. None of which worked, I may add. </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Achoo!</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Next time I’m skipping the MD and hunting for a WD (witch doctor). Hit me with a voodoo stick, blow white powder in my face and tattoo my forehead, I don’t care--only fix this snotty nose! </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ipeWf-CzTWE/X7fl_Jl75PI/AAAAAAAAA9E/XHEY1cAkMb0KJEiCn_2GY6g3gfICiAwwACLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/witch%2Bdoctor.jpg" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1500" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ipeWf-CzTWE/X7fl_Jl75PI/AAAAAAAAA9E/XHEY1cAkMb0KJEiCn_2GY6g3gfICiAwwACLcBGAsYHQ/s320/witch%2Bdoctor.jpg" /></a></div><br /><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</div><span style="font-family: arial;"><i>Ting Tang Walla Walla Bing Bang</i></span><div><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 11pt;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 11pt;"><br /></span></div>Heidi-"Heidi in Real Life"http://www.blogger.com/profile/01765631003765541364noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1022725406531926511.post-37100777596856953502011-01-13T18:03:00.008-05:002020-12-03T09:48:12.401-05:00Chocolate, I think I love you<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;">
<span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-size: small;"> Yesterday, I found two <u>Godiva</u> chocolate bars as I was going to put in my kids’ Christmas stockings. I ate them like Scarlett O’Hara, filthy from the war, mauled that dusty radish on Tara.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;">I probably have a slight addiction.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;">I walked into a candy shop and the customers in the store looked up at me, in unison, like animals sensing a predator. They clutched their selections and scurried to the cash register. The candy clerk became super enthusiastic, determined to make me feel like the most important person in the entire mall. When the manager of the store saw me, his eyeballs rolled back and became dollar signs like Uncle Scrooge McDuck.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;">Large women have this affect on chocolate vendors. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;">Trying to be a reformed choco-holic, I went to a sporting goods store looking for some new exercise gear. On the cashier’s counter was a display of extra-long </span><u style="font-family: arial;">Snickers</u><span style="font-family: arial;">, next to them </span><u style="font-family: arial;">Butterfingers</u><span style="font-family: arial;"> large enough to be labeled Butter</span><i style="font-family: arial;">feet</i><span style="font-family: arial;">. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: small;">“That’s gotta be one of those “Power Bars” with asparagus, bark and antler powder in it, right?” </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: small;">“Nope, they’re just big candy bars.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: small;">“Ring it up”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: arial;">Blast you, Chocolate, for lurking in unlikely places!</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: small;">If Clarence, the “It’s a Wonderful Life” angel would indulge me one of those life without something moments, I think my life minus chocolate would be very different. But would life really be worth living?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: small;">Are there other chocolate consumers out there who get woozy when they pass a chocolate donut or hear, “Buy me, you <u>know</u> you want to” whispering voices when they are standing next to a <u>Ghirardelli</u> brownie display? If so, we must unite and harness this dark power to coexist with candy everywhere.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: small;">But let’s wait until after Valentines Day.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Zg7nFGBzZOM/X7fjCMvQkxI/AAAAAAAAA8s/lBwtgP6TwSAAiZ2Japci5uJX1bMBD-XiACLcBGAsYHQ/s267/chocolatejpg.jpg" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="189" data-original-width="267" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Zg7nFGBzZOM/X7fjCMvQkxI/AAAAAAAAA8s/lBwtgP6TwSAAiZ2Japci5uJX1bMBD-XiACLcBGAsYHQ/s0/chocolatejpg.jpg" /></a></div><br /></span>Heidi-"Heidi in Real Life"http://www.blogger.com/profile/01765631003765541364noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1022725406531926511.post-49117572634082987252010-12-16T10:39:00.004-05:002020-11-20T10:53:27.322-05:00Bunny Tweets Again<div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; text-align: center;"><br /></div><span style="font-size: small;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-asWmNZDfPZQ/X7fmTNWm_SI/AAAAAAAAA9M/pFYpwgrFS1Q-Y2c31Ck2iEQKuvZQ2Q-xgCLcBGAsYHQ/s259/rabbit.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="194" data-original-width="259" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-asWmNZDfPZQ/X7fmTNWm_SI/AAAAAAAAA9M/pFYpwgrFS1Q-Y2c31Ck2iEQKuvZQ2Q-xgCLcBGAsYHQ/s0/rabbit.jpg" /></a></div><span style="font-family: arial;">Do Rabbits get hernias? If not, I think I need some stronger back teeth.</span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: small;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;">Are you following me? Cause if you're following me, I'm going to stand stone still, twitch and then run away. I mean it.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: small;">I saw a cucumber the size of a scuba tank this morning. It seemed too good to be true, so I, the eternal skeptic, did not nibble on it.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: small;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: small;">With two different kinds of legs, finding it hard to make snow angels look like actual angels.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: small;">Other rabbits are looking at me (sideways of course) and rolling their eyes. Independent thinkers often get this reaction. Sheep don't.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: small;">I spy a tomato that's bigger than me, and remembering Peter the Pumpkin eater, I chuckle. </span><br />
<br />
<span class="status-body"><span class="status-content"><span class="entry-content" style="font-size: small;">Observed Heidi light gas grill with giant flash of fire followed by singed hair odor. Gladtobeknownforkeenhearingnotsmelling </span><br />
<br />
</span></span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: small;">Wondering if you can load a gun with rabbit pellets?</span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: small;">If so, I'd like to.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: small;">After listening to Elvis Prestley's famous song, new favorite activity is to make hound dogs feel defeated.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: small;">Long ears are occurring in epidemic proportions among elderly humans. But theirs just droop, while mine are still perky. </span></div><div></div><div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: small;">It's very windy today. Wondering if there are any animals besides rabbits, donkeys and elephants that have to worry about involuntary ear movement.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: small;"> </span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: small;">Wants to feel Christmasy, but all-red lights on favorite fur tree makes abode look more like all-night brothel (which isn't a bad thing in my culture).</span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div><div><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span> <br />
</span></div></div>Heidi-"Heidi in Real Life"http://www.blogger.com/profile/01765631003765541364noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1022725406531926511.post-50425908556434735132010-12-09T16:06:00.012-05:002020-12-04T08:50:49.221-05:00Happy Dysfunctional Holidays<div class="MsoNormal"><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-size: 12pt;"><br /><span style="font-family: arial;"><i>I'd give anything for a good old fashioned dysfunctional family holiday this year. </i></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: arial;">Hey! If your relatives don’t always mesh, and you’d like to brighten your nerve wracking events, try…</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: arial;"></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">The “</span><u style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">HAVE A HAPPY DYSFUNCTIONAL HOLIDAY</u><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">” Game</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;"><u><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-size: 12pt;">Object of the Game</span></u><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-size: 12pt;">: To keep everyone together in one room without getting hurt.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;"><u><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-size: 12pt;">Players</span></u><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-size: 12pt;">: 1 Pair of Grandparents, 1 Outspoken Male and 1 Fainting Male, 1 Texting Teen, 1 Alcoholic in Treatment, 1 Emotional Eater, 1 Angelic Child, 1 Confrontational Female, 1 Quiet Female, 1 Mr. Manners, 1 Single Parent and 1 Dog</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;"><u><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-size: 12pt;">Decks of Cards</span></u><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-size: 12pt;">: <u>OFFEND OTHERS</u>, <u>WHAT TO SERVE FOR DINNER</u></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-FlK5yOqpRL8/X7fnLKPzQEI/AAAAAAAAA9Y/CZX6qIv0hgQfRJtjzYUKmFHEcoJ--JBOgCLcBGAsYHQ/s570/Carlvinp.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="477" data-original-width="570" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-FlK5yOqpRL8/X7fnLKPzQEI/AAAAAAAAA9Y/CZX6qIv0hgQfRJtjzYUKmFHEcoJ--JBOgCLcBGAsYHQ/s320/Carlvinp.jpg" width="320" /></a></div></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;"><i><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-size: 12pt;">When all seems lost</span></i><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-size: 12pt;">…<u>SPIN THE ARROW</u> for Stress-Relieving Suggestions.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">The board is separated into 4 rooms (you can substitute yours): The Living Room with the T.V. for distraction, the Basement, the Kitchen where the grandparents always sit because they can’t get out of the living room furniture, and the Porch for smokers and (sometimes) Dog.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;"><b><u><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-size: 12pt;">Sample (Fictional) Scenario:</span></u></b><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-size: 12pt;"> The players start by sitting in various rooms. The Alcoholic in Treatment will draw first from the OFFEND OTHERS deck. His reads his card out loud, <b>“TALK ABOUT SOMETHING GROSS”</b> and he starts explaining, in great, graphic detail, about his recent strip search. This will cause Mr. Manners to leave the room to join the grandparents in the kitchen and the Fainter to turn lily white and drop to the floor. The Emotional Eater retreats to the kitchen, straps on the feed-bag and eats like a mare. Angelic Child tries to get the Confrontational Female (CF) attention, but CF is <i>only</i> interested in the Dog (and says so). The Texting Teen exits to the basement for privacy.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">SPIN THE ARROW for a Stress Relief Suggestion to try to bring them back together. It lands on <u>Alcohol Time</u>, which makes the grandparents very fun. They start talking about recent colonoscopies and the necessary preparations. Ooops! Fainter hits the deck again and when he regains consciousness goes to the porch for a smoke, while Mr. Manners, now slightly intoxicated and slightly less uptight stays seated. Alcoholic in Treatment joins the Fainter on the porch to avoid the temptation. Emotional Eater <i>badly</i> needs a drink.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">Outspoken Male draws from the OFFEND OTHERS deck. He reads his card, “<b>BURP OUT LOUD</b>” and does so, causing Mr. Manners to twitch, redden and change rooms again. Texting Teen and CF laugh in mocking amusement. Alcoholic in Treatment has the power to burp “at will”…and does…which causes Mr. Manners to LOSE it, and stomp out. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-size: 12pt;">Everyone draws from the WHAT TO SERVE FOR DINNER cards. Angelic Child draws a “Sweet Potato” card and the dish goes in the oven. However, one of the grandparents drew “Turn the oven <b><u>up</u></b> for your own dish without telling anyone” card from the OFFEND OTHERS deck and the sweet potatoes go up in flames. A Fruitcake card is shyly drawn next by Quiet Female</span><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-size: 12pt;"> and everyone scatters. A <i>quick</i> SPIN THE ARROW for a Stress Relief Suggestion and it's <u>Edibles Time</u> and the entire room is finally mellow. Single Parent, swirling, takes 15 minutes to open her napkin.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">The drawing of the WHAT TO SERVE FOR DINNER cards produces 3 dishes that <i>everyone</i> can eat with various stomach ailments and vegetarian preferences: Beets, Lemon Juice and Meatloaf. CF uses her OFFEND OTHERS card (“Breaking the ‘No Feeding the Dog from the Table’ rule) and while everyone is finally<i> </i>seated, offers Dog her meatloaf. The grandparents push away from the table and ask for their coats. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">SPIN THE ARROW for a Stress Relief Suggestion again and it’s <u>Sing-A-Long Time</u>. This throws the Emotional Eater into a feeding frenzy. No one sings, but Angelic Child is pressured by the grandparents to play the piano. Emotional Eater instead turns on music channel cable and the effect is soothing and draws everyone near. The lights are dimmed and the Christmas tree shines. At last, all is calm with everyone high and equally offended. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">Game over.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">Happy Dysfunctional Holidays to all!</span>Heidi-"Heidi in Real Life"http://www.blogger.com/profile/01765631003765541364noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1022725406531926511.post-30406445154002310992010-11-25T11:36:00.008-05:002020-11-20T14:40:03.881-05:00The Island of Misfit Christmas Treats<div class="MsoNormal"></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-size: 12pt;"><br />Enter Heidi's House of Horrible Holiday Misfit Treats and enjoy:</span><br />
<br />
<u><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-size: 12pt;">Sperm Cookies</span></u></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">Mouse Cookies gone wrong</i><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">. Instead of darling little cookies that look like mice, a simple margarine mistake later and suddenly little almond ears and red-hot candy noses were floating in opaque little blobs with long red licorice tails. Very unappetizing.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;"><u><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-size: 12pt;">Molten Peanut Brittle</span></u><span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">There is no such thing as a safe bowl or oven mitt when you’re making microwave candy. The ceremonial “Dance of the Molten Peanut Brittle” performed while removing it from the microwave is much more about pain, burns and trauma than enjoying the treat--which will break your teeth anyway.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;"><u><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-size: 12pt;">SOS Pad Sea-foam </span></u><span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">Only 3 ingredients in this "light as air" candy, yet with all the unwritten fussy technicalities like being quiet while standing on one foot, coaxing the sugar into submission with sweet talk, a door or sneezes could instantly de-foam the concoction and morph it into flat </span><u style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">Brillo</u><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;"> pads that even a dunk in chocolate cannot make taste good. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-size: 12pt;"> </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;"><u><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-size: 12pt;">Bird-Poop Cookies</span></u><span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">Always DRIZZLE the white chocolate onto your chocolate cookies --never "plop and smear.” </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;"><u><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-size: 12pt;">Skeet-Gun Ammo Cookies</span></u><span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">Quite possibly the most labor intensive cookie ever invented are the German anise picture cookies called </span><u style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">Springerles</u><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">--a sophisticated treat. After the 2-day process, my square, concrete-like creations could pulverize clay pigeons…probably real ones too.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">And just to show it's not just my christmas treats that fail...I give you my-</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;"><u><br /></u></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;"><u>Graduation Cap Penises: </u></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;"><u><br /></u></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;">To create these goodies, you need the correct sized "nib". Use one too thick and you'll end up with tassels that looks like flaccid penises. Hard to eat those. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-l-Wy0PnxRdA/X7gbhxgPeWI/AAAAAAAAA9w/KUUGi1qLfvo4pRSK8zbBSGB-JDRcHuaYQCLcBGAsYHQ/s499/graduation-cap-candy-cups.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="333" data-original-width="499" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-l-Wy0PnxRdA/X7gbhxgPeWI/AAAAAAAAA9w/KUUGi1qLfvo4pRSK8zbBSGB-JDRcHuaYQCLcBGAsYHQ/s320/graduation-cap-candy-cups.jpeg" width="320" /></a></div><br /></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-size: 12pt;">If anyone wants my recipes--let me know! ;-)</span><br /></span>
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</span></div>Heidi-"Heidi in Real Life"http://www.blogger.com/profile/01765631003765541364noreply@blogger.com2