Saturday, February 22, 2014

Speed of Lightening. Roar of Thunder

In my quest to find a type of fitness plan that involves as little movement as possible, I believe I have found the perfect sport- The Luge. 
Here’s how it goes:  You sit, you pull and you slide down a twisty hill on your back riding a sled.  I’ve got years of practice riding the water slides at the Wisconsin Dells--same motion, push, push, push, and then lean back.  I also have years of practice lying on my back in front of the T.V.  Sure there’s danger, but to prove to the world that former gym class stumble-bums can still aspire to sports, I’ll take the risk.
What I like best about the Luge is that it’s passive.  You can have bursitis, a fused ankle even a raging case of hemorrhoids and still Luge.  I can start training right now, in my bed with a couple of pillows behind my back to simulate an incline.  Who needs a giant multi-million dollar Luge run in your backyard?
And I don’t need to buy expensive shoes.
The first several months of conditioning will involve getting the supremely important skin-tight suit on.   I figure it will take 9 weeks, tops, unless I can vacuum seal myself in like a Space Bag.  Think of it…flesh-fighting-rubber arm curls.  Who needs exercise bands or dumbbells?  There will be pulling, sweating, swelling, expanding, and then waiting until my pulse slows down, followed by more pulling, sweating and swelling again. It would be approximately as difficult as it was for Christopher Robin to get Winnie the Pooh out of Rabbit’s hole.
Large-breasted women are at a disadvantage in the sport of Luging, aerodynamically speaking.  It has something to do with physics mumbo-gumbo regarding drag--the same principle that forces male swimmers to shave their body hair off. But…OLD, large-breasted women can do tricks with boobs like pin them under their armpits or mold them together like a fin.
Best of all…my heavy weight works in my favor, for once.  You don’t have to be Bill Nye the Science Guy to know if you drop a bowling ball and a feather down a Luge run, the bowling ball is going to win.  As long as the ice is REALLY, really firm, I, in my super-tight Luging suit (with fin)  could potentially create the first ever Luge-inspired sonic boom.  Windmills would stop and turn the opposite way, flocks of birds would become confused and a worm-hole for time travel could open up.  Won’t the other Lugers be jealous?!  Wheaties and Active Older Women Magazine will want me to pose for them!
Of course, there is the issue of stopping.


English Rider said...

Carry an anchor. Love the image of your fin!

Vicki Rocho said...

Need a training partner? I've got a couple pillows and you know TWO bowling balls will beat anything! LOL