Humor column for the masses, written, without benefit of pay, by a quirky chocolate-lover who rides mall massage chairs and cracks toilet seats.
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Bagging the “Big One” Takes a Woman’s Touch
“Why don’t you just dig a pit and cover it with leaves like they did on “Gilligan’s Island”?” I suggested as my husband, Fred, was getting his stuff ready to revive his hunting spot in the woods, “That way, you can put bait on it and when Mr. Deer walks over to eat, shlooof (!)--down he goes.”
Fred ignored me.
It’s heartbreaking for me to watch Fred do all the “right” things to land a deer and then come home with unopened cans of beans, cold seat warmers and a forlorn look instead of venison. Sometimes I wish a deer would just tap on his blind and say, “Look, I’m frickin’ starving here,” and take gun barrel like Jeff Goldblum did as “The Fly” and point it at his own head.A mercy kill—a man can still come home proud after that.
My wish would also include “said” deer would have 20 of those “Antler Thingies” too.
As I type, Fred is out there, somewhere, planning and planting apples.At the same time, some male deer is taking just as much time on his end trying to hide, while his mate is saying, “Why don’t you just saw those stupid things off and act like a doe.”
Since deer camp is generally a man-thing, I can’t help but think that the female intuition element has been ignored.Like my pit suggestion—perfectly logical, unexpected. There is the matter of hoisting the deer OUT of the pit, but that still seems feasible.
Most men sit in a deer blind during rifle season and wait.They have a minimal view and minimal opportunity.Therefore, my first suggestion is to hunt like a pack of wolves.Get a group of hunting camp buddies, circle the area, corral whatever is in there into a main point (just don’t shoot across the circle).Any meat could then be shared (rock-paper-scissors for the antler rights).
Couldn’t be simpler.
Another clever idea involves motion detecting sprinklers.Bambi passes a certain maple tree, for example, and a sprinkler goes off---BOOM, he’s not hurt, and he’s on the run, making it easier for seated hunters to be successful.
I thought Fred would like that idea, but Mr. Negative reminded me that most rural forests aren’t plumbed. I can’t be bothered with details like that.
My last unpopular suggestion?Take the alcohol factor out of the picture completely.If I drank all night and woke up at 4:00 am, I would want to shoot…myself.