Wednesday, July 20, 2011

The Gall Bladder of the Pastry Whore is Enflamed

I’ve discovered there’s a whole new world of denial out there, associated with medical conditions that require non-emergency surgery.  I call it "Surgery Avoidance World."  Much like Elmo’s World on Sesame Street, it’s filled with bright colors, friendly people and most certainly NO scalpels.
I’ve heard of people who let hernias bulge so far it looked like the Loch Ness monster.  I’ve heard of people who walk around with goiters so big that bounce.  I used to wonder why they wouldn’t get those taken care of.  I don’t wonder anymore, because I’ve met them all in "Surgery Avoidance World."  The sun’s denial rays are so bright here--we don’t notice such things. 
I have gallstones, you see, and when I get a good helping of cinnamon rolls, my gall bladder screams, “You Pastry WHORE!  It’s ON!  I’m going to ENFLAME!”  And it does.  Apparently the stones are large enough that they can’t escape, but still make mischief and rattle the walls of the organ like a convict clanging his cup on the bars.
Dr. Minkey was all set to do my gall bladder-ectomy last November.  But when I heard his name, all I could think of was Peter Sellers in “Return of the Pink Panther” talking to the blind organ grinder and saying, “Filthy Minkey (“monkey” in Inspector Clousea-ease).”  I can’t possibly let someone cut into me with such a silly name, could I?  I’d be wondering where his squeeze box was, and giggle, which would probably tick him off and he’d “Whoops” drop his gum in one of the holes he would bore near my belly button and leave it to rot.  But non-emergency surgery was up to me to schedule and even though Dr. Minkey (snicker) said it would get worse…all I heard was I’m free.  Soon, my gall bladder forgave me for the doughnuts and re-friended me.  I decided if I was going to have the surgery, surely it could wait until I lost a little weight or cut out fatty foods completely.
Time marched ahead one month.
Napoleon probably had an enflamed gall bladder, because I can COMPLETELY relate to the position of his hand inside his coat.  He’s using his forearm to cradle his sore side.  Napoleon was in “Surgery Avoidance World”—and who could blame him really? He probably ate the fattiest meals possible before he posed for his painting.  See that “I’ve got a Gall-Stone” grimace?  It’s the same one your see on the Mona Lisa--who probably had an enflamed gall bladder too—solving, once and for all, the mystery of her wince/smile.  I have a dozen pictures of myself at Christmas looking like that saying, “Hurry up and take the picture so I can lie down with my pillow” like a ventriloquist.
Dr. Minkey retired two months ago, waiting for me to schedule the surgery.
My new doctor’s name is Dr. Collision.  Collision.  With a name like that, I just hope he looks where he’s going when he’s wielding that knife.
Unless my gall bladder re-friends me of course, and then I’m calling the whole thing off.

8 comments:

Oilfield Trash said...

I can very much relate to your pains since I suffered from gall stones and had my gall bladder removed years ago. Worst effing pain I have ever felt in my life.

Rob said...

You'll be glad you did it. A few days discomfort for a really remarkable feeling afterwards. And a cool scar too!

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

"like a convict clanging his cup on the bars..." What an awesome simile ! You rock, HIRL. Hilarious post, scalpel sissy. ;)

laughingmom said...

Most people who are in Surgery Avoidance World probably lack good enough insurance to help them get corrective surgery! Good luck to you and your Gall Bladder - I hope that you find relief!

Bagman and Butler said...

Another great 'laughing to keep from crying essay. I love the Napolean reference and the line about convicts clanging the bars...LOL. You really are a great humor writer. I was in Surgery Avoidance World regarding a hernia a little while ago but my wife won't let me live there and kidnapped me. I can't remember the doctor's name.

Heidi-"Heidi in Real Life" said...

Oilfield and Rob: I appreciate the comiserating and support. Sooner or later, I'll post a picture of the scarS.
Dawn: You get me. You really get me.
Laughing Mom: You are so right. I am lucky that I can choose not to have the surgery for chicken's sake and not because I don't have health insurance. There are always those who have it worse that we (I) do.

BB: LOVE the profile pic! I always look forward to your comments--they make my day!

Ann said...

watch out, that mummy and daddy geese is going to snap at you buttocks when you are bending over to snap your photo.

Great job, and it is true, goose will snap at strangers. I kept or my parents kep
Came via Mark's site, and read your comment on the fresh gosling.
first time visiting you on FSO

t them, better than dogs to watch the house.

Ann said...

I got to know about gall bladders when I was 14.

My step grand mother whom I didn't like ( Cinderella story) she had two gall stones, one as big as the tip of one's thumb, and the other her pinky. I didn't care if she died.

Well, she almost died. she had two operations. She showed me her scars, one also went half way round her body, butchered by a kind army surgeon who came to Borneo.

After that. I cried , and love her to bits. She is 100 year old this year.

Sorry you have to suffer.