Humor column for the masses, written, without benefit of pay, by a quirky chocolate-lover who rides mall massage chairs and cracks toilet seats.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Freddie-locks and the Three Chairs
Once upon a time, my husband, Fred, wandered around from store to store, searching for a comfortable, portable outdoor chair.I, as his wife, decided to come to his rescue and order what claimed to be a “Mammoth” chair, suitable for giants like 6 ft 5 Fred.
“Why is the box so long?”
“All the better to seat you with, my dear.”
Fred straddled the box and pulled with the strength of Paul Bunyan and Babe the Blue Ox. Finally, out sprang a long, long, rigid canvas anaconda-like parcel.He set it up in the living room and unfurled the arms.Eyes and mouths wide open, we stood in silence.It was the “Great Chair of the Forrest” –the FATHER of camp all chairs.Three bears and three pigs could all enjoy a little “down-time” on the chair and not rub fur or skin. Its 6-cup holder equipped arms stretched out like King Kong reaching for the Empire State Building.
Fred in his chair.
Note feet not touching the ground
Bravely, Fred climbed 5 foot 6 inch “Mt. Chair” like Jack did his beanstalk.Once in it, he swung his feet like a child.“All I need is some zinc oxide for my nose and I could be a lifeguard in this thing,” he beamed.
The legend of “Fred and his Humongous Chair” would live on for centuries if he set it up… anywhere.To enjoy campfire fun, he’d need a 7 foot marshmallow stick.While sitting on it next November, in the snow, waiting for deer to show up, a whole herd could walk right under him, ducking their heads only slightly, whispering to each other, “Get the camera, I want a picture with his guy.”
That chair was tooooo big.
The second chair arrived to serve its new master from a catelog.It was stouter, but offered more power with its reinforced front legs.Fred took the second chair with us for the weekend in the outdoors.In a short time, it was clear that the chair was not made very well and already had a broken leg, causing Fred to sit lower...and lower…and lower.He bound it together with half a roll of duct tape and finished the weekend.
This chair was toooo frail, and had to go back.
Unknown short-statured person
beside King Fred.
By the time Fred’s third chair arrived, he was weary…and leery. Fred surrendered himself to this one…last…chair, and brought it with him to an outdoor music event. At last, he was feeling kingly and confident in this, his new throne. Animals were lying down next to him, a rainbow appeared in the sky and bluebirds swooped. All was calm and bright...because this chair was JUST right. The only disruption to the peace of a good chair was the arrival of a "little person", whose size posed such a distracting difference to Fred's, that his friends ran for their cameras.
But Fred has lived, so far, happy with his chair ever after.