I understand the difficulty we have finding Osama Bin Laden in Afghanistan, but how hard is it to find 14 Wisconsin state Democratic senators hiding out somewhere in the mid-west? Illinois, their rumored location, has traversable terrain and no mine fields. Apparently those Senators are more elusive than Bugs Bunny was to Elmer Fudd.
They’re supposedly on the move. Maybe we can put up a sign, “All Wisconsin Democratic Senators are Welcome” by some luxury Wisconsin-bordering hotel and see if they take the bait. Many of the rebel Senators are older men and they’re not going to comfortable sleeping on “just any” old bed (I sleep like an old man myself--I should know). They’re gonna need Hilton or Marriott mattresses. Their spinal preferences should narrow the realm of hotel hide-outs down considerably.
Three of the renegades are female. As a female, I know--sooner or later one of them will need chocolate. If we leave a trail of Godiva truffles, we can lure them out of hiding. They won’t even realize it until after the chocolate-buzz wears off. A fake chocolate delivery service would work too. When they give into their cravings and call…SHAZZAM! Back to Wisconsin with you!
They might be bold enough to come out of hiding for something remarkable. How about we shine a light up in the sky like the “Bat-Signal,” only this time a silhouette of the Democratic donkey? Offer them the chance to wear a cape and tights and they should run out, waving their hands enthusiastically and taking practice flying leaps. A side note: Offer anyone a cape and tights and they’ll be putty in your hands.
Tracking their electronic activity through their cell-phone and credit card use should be easy--unless, of course, they’re smart enough to use cash and pay-phones. Getting all their pictures out there is also a good idea--they won't be easy to spot. It's not like they're tattooed, 9-foot Big Foots with distinguishable scars and 6 fingers on their left hands (are they?). I bet they're maddeningly ordinary looking.
People do know where they are. Good Morning America just conducted a live, face-to-face interview, on February 17th, with Democratic Senator Mark Miller, while agreeing to keep his location a secret. Where are those slimy National Enquirer paparazzi when you need them? If they can find Lindsay Lohan at a moments’ notice, why can’t one of them sniff out at least one of our missing elected officials?
They'll have to come back soon. No one who has ever had fresh cheese curds can stay away from Wisconsin too long!