Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Hunka-Hunka Burning Love

I am a nuclear power plant at night…and it’s making me irresistible!  

Fred, after almost 18 years together, is now polarized to my side of the bed during the night.  His feet take up my foot room, leaving a wedge of mattress space for me sleep on the size of a circus peanut.  He’s drawn there not because I’ve been working-out lately, but by the heat given off by my peri-menopausal hormones clashing together like excited electrons. 

“You are on my side again,” I complained to Fred the other night. 
 
“No, I’m not,” he murmured and cross-country skied his way sideways to get as close as possible.  Attempts to move him over got me kneed in the kidney and partitioned off to the North-west corner of the mattress (2 circus peanuts wide).

“Do I have to prove it to you?”  I said, questioning my judgment, secretly.  I imagined us on some National Geographic type animal reality show like “Meerkat Manner” with night vision…and narrators.

“There—you see, the male is definitely moving in,” some “Bowling Tournament Announcer” voice would describe our activities.

The hotter I get, the more Fred wants a piece of my warm bedside.  The more Fred is on my side the hotter (and bitchier) I get.  If I were to make a cartoon flip-book, it would show the following “night moves” in sequence:

1.    Me sleep-radiating, 2. Fred moving closer, 3.  Me pushing and poking, getting hotter and grouchier, 4. Fred retreating (guarding his ‘manhood’).  

Repeat.  

I thought of putting little army men on the mid-point, so that their pointy guns and jagged edged foot/stand assemblies would burrow into his hip, causing him to roll…but that seems extreme.  An electric fence crossed my mind, but the current would undoubtedly run both ways.

“I’m hotter than Hell over here!”  I, sleep-challenged, coverless and angry, yelled.  I was finally starting to understand why some married couples sleep in different beds. 

 “Back!” Fred sat up.  He turned on a clip-on fan and pointed it at me like a trainer with a chair and a whip.  I was immediately soothed.  He attached it to the backboard and left it blowing on my face all night.
 
“AH!”  I signed, and fell instantly to sleep on my hot, hot side of the bed.

Now I have my soul-mate, the FAN, in bed with me every night.  The fear of getting my hair caught in it during night is totally overruled by my comfort.  

Plus…it makes a good Fred barrier…when I need it.

20 comments:

English Rider said...

Very funny post. Meercat Manor it is.

Friko said...

I really need you to explain what a circus peanut is and what size it is.

I can also sympathise about the chocolate in your last post. For three days I have gone without although there's plenty left over from Christmas. I am reduced to wearing my 'fat' trousers, I get out of breath walking up three steps and my teeth hurt.

It's either that or becoming a rolling pin shaped woman.
I've decided to be brave.

Heidi said...

English Rider--I'll let you know when the camera crews arrive.
Friko- a Circus Peanut is about 3 inches long, orange and made of the most ghastly orange, powdery marshmallow consistency. YUK. But the size is what matters. I have pants with elastic on as we speak! ;-)

Raining Acorns said...

Ah, to sleep, perchance to wake up sweating. Know it well . . .

Bagman and Butler said...

Perfect start to my morning! Laughing outloud. My wife likes to throw her leg over the top of me, pinning me like a wrestler. These days we sometimes get joined by a grandson, dog, and two cats. I think I feel my own sleep blog coming on. Bagman says that he has always been a fan of yours...can he pile into your bed as well?

Janet Johnson said...

Too funny. My husband is the hot potato at our house, and oddly enough, he thinks he's freezing cold, every night!

Fragrant Liar said...

Aw, the joys of peri-menopause. The universe is such a kidder, eh? Let men beware.

Heidi said...

BB--why not? The more the merrier (so long as I can keep my fan!)
Fragrant L-All things considered, I'm still glad I'm a girl ;-)

Joanne said...

Ah yes, I remember it well.........

I use to throw the covers off and use them to make a barrier between my husband and I, like a big dividing body pillow.

This too will pass (in about 10 years)

DL Hammons said...

The wife and I have come close to not only sleeping in seperate beds, but different rooms. During this time of year I LOVE sleeping in a cold room. We're talking see your breath cold. My wife, not so much. We have arrived at a mutually agreeable compromise, but its not ideal.

The things we do for each other. :)

Heidi said...

Joanne-whew, that's a relief, only 10 years! ;-)
DL- I like my room cold too, like cold enough to hang meat in--but that's only recently. ;-)

Lydia K said...

Ah, the temperature wars! I know them well.
:)
Nice to meet you and your blog!

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

Oh can I relate to this! And I love your fan idea! Where's my car keys?
Love your "real" style. Just love it!

Heidi-"Heidi in Real Life" said...

Lydia K- Thanks for your follower-ship! I will check your blog out too.
Dawn--you complete me.

Bagman and Butler said...

Love your new header.

Candice said...

Did you try the advice I gave you on Facebook? ;)

Heidi-"Heidi in Real Life" said...

BB- Thanks! Do you know how long it took me to write that one sentence? Sheesh!
Candice- yes, as a matter of fact, I got the nerve to do it last night. Worked REALLY well. ;-)

WritingNut said...

Ahah.. too funny! But they do say a little sweat makes your skin glow :D

jane, candid said...

Heidi,
Oh, I can relate. My inner thermostat is BROKEN and I keep saying I want to move back to Wisconsin!

Heidi-"Heidi in Real Life" said...

Writing Nut--I think I passed "glowy" a dozen years ago.
Jane- Wisconsin needs all the great talents they can get--move back!Love your latest train blog!