Monday, November 1, 2010

“Fred, You Smell like a Cheap Prostitute”

My husband, Fred, has not been sleeping with a cheap prostitute.  I know this because the whorish scent he sported the other day is the new "man" cologne he bought himself on a recent trip to Kuwait. 
“I’ve been wearing Canoe for 30 years.” he said proudly displaying a fancy new bottle, “A woman at the mall sprayed me with this and I liked it.”
Awlugh-lulgh! Holy Urinal Cake ala Strawberry Pot-Pori!  It smells like Earl Grey Tea.  And Pine Sol.  It’s so bad it could turn vegetables different colors. 

“Oh, honey, it’s nice,” I lied.

Just as I was feeling badly about my lie and trying to figure out a nice way of saying, “You wasted your money, because the dog’s dust-mite aggravated ear-ooze would turn me on faster,” I thought, “How often does he really wear cologne?”  I might not have to mention it at all. 
But this morning, Fred was getting ready for a flight to Texas.  He kissed me goodbye and left the room. He returned and said, “I’m going to put some of this on.”  Before I had a chance to say, “Your cologne could be used as a chemical weapon!” he had sprayed both sides of his neck with it.

I PITY the poor fool (said with a “Mr. T” accent) who sits near him on the 2-hour flight.  Poor Fred, thinking he smells great, will surely be confident and friendly.  Would someone tell him his cologne is too strong?  It might be easier to hear from a stranger.

There might be other intended uses for “Putrid in a Bottle,” known only to Kuwaitis: 
1.   - Maybe in a “Cultural Comedy of Errors,” the scent he purchased was really meant to attract animals to hunt, like Americans use Doe Piss (Fred’s word) to get a deer? 
2.   - Maybe it is supposed to be used to mask other odors, like Febreeze does if your carpet smells like a wet pet? 
3.   -Maybe THAT is why Kuwaiti women wear veils over their noses—to block out the scent…of this scent?  
4.    -With a name like “Jaguars Appear” maybe it’s made with hallucinogenic bong water?

Fred really does like the smell of this stuff.  I suppose it’s better than some odors.  We recently had our carpet soaked by an overflowing sink.  After 3 days, that smelled worse than “Jaguars Appear.”  Burnt rice also smells worse. 

I think I need to buy him some new cologne and find another home for "Jaguars Appear" before my lungs collapse.  I’ll try spraying it in the holes in our lawn, and see if our dog will stop digging in them.


Raining Acorns said...

Ah, quite a conundrum you have there! I find, as I grow older, I am less able to tolerate any kind of scent-from-a-bottle. Odd that . . .

Marniferous said...

I'm gonna say you should tell him. Especially not to get on planes with any cologne whatsoever - much of that stuff is toxic, and as we get older and are exposed to more and more environmental toxins (some of the worst are dryer sheets and liquid fabric softener, scented detergents, and room 'deodorizer'/'freshener') there's a cumulative effect. Lots of people are getting chemically sensitive and wearing cologne in an enclosed space is now completely antisocial if you ask me. Not that i have a strong opinion or have suffered through reeking seatmates on planes before or anything...

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

Bwa hahaha! "Poor Fred, thinking he smells good," acting all confident and friendly...
Thanks, my Heidi. You have made my day!!

Samantha Vérant said...

Too funny. Tell him he could be a man whore! Poor Fred.

Bagman and Butler said...

Okay, this was really funny! Partly because of the story but even more because of your writing style and the way you tell it!