Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Spoiled Music Memories

1. Attaching Beloved Song to OBJECTS:

You sold your souls, Queen, when you allowed “Toothbrush- Tune” manufacturers to use “We Will Rock You.” Now, whenever a child applies pressure to their toothbrush, a gnarled version of your PRIMO 70’s classic literally plays in their head. My daughter, Krista has heard that song 2 gazillion times over the past year, and still can’t understand the words. In the car recently, she sang, “Buddy you’re a mingsti borboy mmskmsioasoi sposdi…We will, we will, brush you.”


I can understand, Mr. MC Hammer, you needed to bail yourself out of some tax trouble, but when you put a “Hammertime” sound chip on a greeting card, you might as well be on an infomercial for George Forman zit cream.

2. Letting your children listen to your 80s favorites:

Just don’t do it! Preserve your precious memories and play those songs privately, with someone your own age! I once made a CD of my old favorites which included a Jeffrey Osborne song. The actual line, “You give me special joy oooooo, make me feel just like a school boy ooooo” cracked-up my sons, Dave and Jon, who said it sounded like something a pedophile might say.

Then there’s Duran Duran’s, “Hungry Like the Wolves,” which contains a verse that Dave claimed sounds like “Mouse’s Alive.”

Finally, I played the Styx tune, "Mr. Roboto" to my daughter and she asked me what the funny lyrics meant, so I looked up dōmo arigatō misutā Roboto, which I always thought sounded so cool. It means "Thank you very much, Mr. Roboto" in Japanese. That's just stupid.

3. Attaching Beloved Music to Presidential Campaigns:

Fleetwood Mac crept out of a cave to help Bill Clinton get elected by letting him use “Don’t Stop.” Now, any previous “F-Mac” Republicans fans will liken that song to a mosquito buzzing in their ears. Last year, Barrack Obama wisely contracted a composer to write his OWN song to lure voters, “pied-piper-like” to the ways of the Democratic party. If we happen to hear that song--we will think of Obama and not dancing “back-in-the-day” with some sweaty 7th grader in a gymnasium (no offense to sweaty 7th graders).

Note: Wouldn’t it be NICE to have our own theme song. Possible titles for mine: “Raiders of the Lost Reading Glasses” or “March of the Kangaroo Pouched Woman”

4. Commercials:

“Anticipation” by Carly Simon will forever more remind me of a glass ketchup bottle. Ozzy Osbourne supposedly licensed “Crazy Train” to Mitsubishi for some 1999 car. Although I wouldn't want to buy a car that reminded me of a crazy train.

5. Choreographing:

Throw me in “music-abuse” jail for this one. I choreograph water aerobics to popular music. Every Wednesday I see the lifeguard at the YMCA cringe as a new Nickleback song plays—the image of 30+ senior citizen ladies leaping to it, burned in his memory like a Sharpie doodle on linoleum.

Sorry about that.

1 comment:

Bagman and Butler said...

This one is great!!! Misunderstood song lyrics have been following me all my life. I've often wondered if musicians do it on purpose. And you are absolutely right about playing your oldies but goodies to your children.