1. Attaching Beloved Song to OBJECTS:
You sold your souls, Queen, when you allowed “Toothbrush- Tune” manufacturers to use “We Will Rock You.” Now, whenever a child applies pressure to their toothbrush, a gnarled version of your PRIMO 70’s classic literally plays in their head. My daughter, Krista has heard that song 2 gazillion times over the past year, and still can’t understand the words. In the car recently, she sang, “Buddy you’re a mingsti borboy mmskmsioasoi sposdi…We will, we will, brush you.”
I can understand, Mr. MC Hammer, you needed to bail yourself out of some tax trouble, but when you put a “Hammertime” sound chip on a greeting card, you might as well be on an infomercial for George Forman zit cream.
2. Letting your children listen to your 80s favorites:
Just don’t do it! Preserve your precious memories and play those songs privately, with someone your own age! I once made a CD of my old favorites which included a Jeffrey Osborne song. The actual line, “You give me special joy oooooo, make me feel just like a school boy ooooo” cracked-up my sons, Dave and Jon, who said it sounded like something a pedophile might say.
Then there’s Duran Duran’s, “Hungry Like the Wolves,” which contains a verse that Dave claimed sounds like “Mouse’s Alive.”
Finally, I played the Styx tune, "Mr. Roboto" to my daughter and she asked me what the funny lyrics meant, so I looked up dōmo arigatō misutā Roboto, which I always thought sounded so cool. It means "Thank you very much, Mr. Roboto" in Japanese. That's just stupid.
3. Attaching Beloved Music to Presidential Campaigns:
Fleetwood Mac crept out of a cave to help Bill Clinton get elected by letting him use “Don’t Stop.” Now, any previous “F-Mac” Republicans fans will liken that song to a mosquito buzzing in their ears. Last year, Barrack Obama wisely contracted a composer to write his OWN song to lure voters, “pied-piper-like” to the ways of the Democratic party. If we happen to hear that song--we will think of Obama and not dancing “back-in-the-day” with some sweaty 7th grader in a gymnasium (no offense to sweaty 7th graders).
Note: Wouldn’t it be NICE to have our own theme song. Possible titles for mine: “Raiders of the Lost Reading Glasses” or “March of the Kangaroo Pouched Woman”
“Anticipation” by Carly Simon will forever more remind me of a glass ketchup bottle. Ozzy Osbourne supposedly licensed “Crazy Train” to Mitsubishi for some 1999 car. Although I wouldn't want to buy a car that reminded me of a crazy train.
Throw me in “music-abuse” jail for this one. I choreograph water aerobics to popular music. Every Wednesday I see the lifeguard at the YMCA cringe as a new Nickleback song plays—the image of 30+ senior citizen ladies leaping to it, burned in his memory like a Sharpie doodle on linoleum.
Sorry about that.