Right away, Fred and I realized our bodies were touching. That may not seem unusual, but Fred and I share a king-sized bed and after 17 years together, some nights there’s so much space between us a Billy goat could climb in with us and I’d never notice.
“I can’t--I’ve got one leg over the edge already,” Fred replied.
We also quickly realized that the “blanket” was not the right size for the bed. That didn’t REALLY matter because it was furry and scratchy like “The Wookie Chewbacca” from Star Wars and neither of us wanted it touching us so we pushed it onto the floor. This made us cold, so we reluctantly pulled up “The Bedspread of Many Germs.”
Fred was really tired and managed to fall asleep before I did. All 8 of my pillows were WAY too hard and forced my neck into the “V” position. I punched them down and tossed. I became hot, turned on the air conditioner, which blew artic air directly at my backside. I reached for “The Wookie” and fell off the bed.
Fred woke up and grumbled and tossed. So I grumbled and tossed. “If you turn over one more time...” I hissed, “I’m going to sleep with Krista.” That was a flaccid threat, since Krista, in the next bed, was rolled up in the sheets like a burrito. Fred and I held each other for a while, not to ignite passion, but to keep each other still. It was more like pinning each other down.
There was no noise, except the bi-hourly roar of the cold air fan. When it was on, it was freezing. When it turned off, the room felt like the Bahamas. I played a little bed “Hokey-Pokey” and put my right foot out, and then I put my right foot in...and so on, until I couldn’t stand it anymore and went into the bathroom and turned on the lights. I did what all uncomfortable writers do in the middle of the night...I got out my pen and notebook and wrote a love note to my previously pliable spine and neck.
I had no idea what time it was with the vampire curtains blocking out even the brightest sunlight. I went back to the bed, and realized the entire mattress had shifted slightly off the base and my corner of the mattress hung over the edge like a flap. I pulled the sheet off of Fred and finally fell asleep for 2 hours, until Krista bounded up and announced it was time to go swimming.
“You were thrashing around like a tuna on a boat deck,” Fred said the next morning, “I liked it!”