“Mom! Mom! Wake up!”
“Mmmmm, what is it Krista?”
“Mom! You’re rattling the ceiling fan chain in my room.”
I, Heidi, a female, am now Fred Flintstone, “The Skipper” from "Gilligan’s Island", and all other barrel chest-ed MEN that come to mind when you think of snoring. I image myself in an animal print, jagged-hemmed toga, or in a hammock with Gilligan swinging above me, growling and drooling like a Bear-Moose.
Multiple sources confirm my condition. Occasionally, I’ll feel my husband Fred’s elbow drilling into my shoulder. I’ve scared myself awake with an especially low rumble, and although I forewarned them, on a recent mother-daughter sleep-over with friends, earplugs didn’t drown-out my “Midnight Weed Whacker” impression.
“You should get a Sleep Study,” my groggy friend advised the next morning. Sleep Studies help diagnose the dreaded “Sleep Apnea” and its treatment— the Constant Positive Airway Pressure (C-PAP) machine with accompanying unattractive, “alien-meets-scuba-diver” face mask. Fred assures me, however, I do not stop breathing--I just sound like all Three Stooges.
The good news is there are a number of shocking and amusing snoring cures to try:
Flexible, Sticky Strips Applied Directly to your Nose- These are used to increase the amount of air you take it with each breath. I have tried these, but “Amount of Air” must not be my problem. They also make my nostrils look like King Kong’s.
Holding Your Mouth Shut- A device whereby your mouth is held shut by bondage scarf, headgear or string. But what if my nose really IS plugged and I need to mouth-breath? I’d hate to have “Death by Chinstrap” written on my tombstone.
Sew a Cannonball into the Back of your Uniform- I got this one off the Internet. Evidently, during the revolutionary war, the Brits had this snoring prevention method in practice so they wouldn’t disturb their fellow soldiers. Lacking a uniform (and a cannon ball), I could sew little plastic revolutionary war “guys” into the back of a t-shirt instead.
Take up the Didgeridoo- Although I’ve never heard of it, two of my kids knew all about the Australian Aborigine instrument (Krista claims she heard it on "Spongebob"). This hollowed out eucalyptus tree is used to make all kinds of different sounds. Research shows that by playing it you can strengthen your soft palate and throat, thereby preventing the vibrations that cause snoring. All Aborigines must sleep very peacefully...until someone picks up a Didgeridoo and starts playing it.
Apparently, Guinness Book has tracked down THE loudest snorer. At a record breaking 93 decibels, the noise replicates a lawn mower. If I were his wife, I’d buy him a chin-strap.